I am feeling completely overwhelmed lately. And I don’t see
it ending any time soon either. This is life with three busy tweens and teens
and it is my life. And no this is not a Halloween post. I hate Halloween.
Work is also getting progressively tougher and harder
although equally more challenging and interesting too. Let’s just say I am leaning
in a lot more lately and seeing what will happen and what will play out. Let’s just say that janitor
lady and I get to chat more and more often in the evenings these days and my
work is piling up.
All that to say I was looking at my famous to do list the
others day and I honestly felt like crying. And so I decided to take stuff off
of them…to make time just for normal stuff like showers and exercising and
reading a magazine here and there. It was interesting to see what process I used
to do this. Where are my priorities? Where do they lay? What do I consider
negotiable.
Well not a whole lot came off except for about 6 things. Three
of them included dead people (sorry to be so direct but it is true)
I hope this post doesn’t offend anyone…oh boy here we go!
My blog..remember ??
One was visiting Grampy2 grave soon. The other was visit
Grandpapa Max grave soon. The third was on anniversary of my Dad’s death take
kids to eat at his fave resto in honour of him. All three are not on my to do
list anymore. My decision was: they would be proud of me for spending the time
on the living. Or really angry at me for not visiting them more often and
paying more attention to them. I chose to believe the first one.
Does that mean I will never visit? No! I will at one
point for sure but it won’t be on my to do lists for this season. But I am consciously
choosing to live with the living right now and for the moment every moment
counts.
And I guess it goes back to living without regrets too.
My Grampa and my Father in law I felt we gave to a lot while they are living
and they gave immensely to us too. Not in a seeing each other weekend way but
our family always made time for them, made them important in our lives, hosted
holidays, sent cards and photos, had the kids involved on a very regular basis.
I feel good about it and I bet they did too,
My Dad is a whole other complicated story that will never
make it onto this blog.
But choosing our time is important in busy homes in busy
years. I figure in 7 years I will have so much time I will be able to camp out
at gravesites if that is what I really want to do (ya that is just plain weird).
But we make choices don’t we? And we own those choices.
Life
is long. Longer than we think. As a BFF of mine said on her blog
this week. We cannot do everything but we can do anything-or something cool
like that.
For the longest time I had to “fit” in exercise, good eating
and sleep-between visiting graves I guess. Lately I am making those things a
top priority (miracle of all miracles!!!) Exercise is relaxing to me now-especially
my yoga classes and power walks for the most part outside energize me. Getting
to the gym for weights is still a big pain and a big chore though.
Eating has also become more regular and healthful and
more intuitive and much easier for me to regulate myself in the ways I wish
too. Far from perfect but good enough . And ritualaized. Sleep as always is a
work in progress but one night at 11:30pm bedtimes counts right?(last night) a
full 7 hrs!!! I figure if I can get these things right most of the time
everything else will fall into place?
And I feel confident and assured that my peaceful loved
ones will forgive me . For the moment anyways. Anyways it was a weird feeling
to cross them off the list for now and felt odd and strange and deserving of a
blog. But it gave me one more weekend to shop for skis that my kids will exercise
on…and one extra afternoon where we could spend at my Uncles this weekend celebrating
Thanksgiving…and gave me and extra day to spend at my cottage for a relaxing
day in the winter with a BFF….and an extra evening that we could stay home and cocoon
in the winter instead of going to the restaurant.
And I didn’t just cross them off either….I decided to
find other ways to keep them in my heart. And extra thought and prayer at a Sunday
dinner….a note beside Grampys’s picture asking him to watch over my family….a
family night devoted to the family tree on my husband’s side.
Love
comes in many forms and to do lists are not the only way are they?
PS-And kids if you read this you are not off the hook. I
expect weekly Sunday visits (with pink roses) to my grave…just saying. And if
you are running out of time order pizza and eat it at my grave and I will even
pay for your gas there and back and the dinner from the money I leave you.
PSS- KNOCK on wood….Mom I would visit you every
week..(everyday probably) Just saying y’all.
