Before these last two weeks I can count on my fingers how
many times I have made a bed in the mornings. My theory was “what is the point
if you just climb in it every night anyways?” Very very childish I know. If you are a stay at home Mom and
want to stop reading my blog I don’t blame you.
I always knew there was something that I did differently
with our family than others did. For as long as I can remember I have known
people running to and from soccer, hockey, gymnastic competition teams. Getting
up at 6am for tournaments, rarely having long and leisurely dinners together.
My husband and I often look at each other and say” how do they do that?” or
even more so “why would they want to
do that?”
Our kids have been involved in a million things-camps,
sports programs, afterschool activities but not much that has affected the
family schedule at dinner time and weekend s especially. It just has never
seemed important enough to us to hurry, rush or disrupt family time on a weekly
consistent basis.
The same was with errands and household chores. We did it
differently than almost all the families I knew and know. We tried to get all our
errands done during the week to leave weekends for leisure. Same with household
tasks done early morning and late at night..all in the goal of preserving as
much leisure and relaxation on the weekends for us and the kids as possible.
For Summer and Winter anyways. Spring and Fall are back to back work for us
both at home and at actual work on all weekends. Two relaxing seasons and two
high stress ones.
Up until now I have thought that we have great formulas.
I have never questioned it. I don’t judge anyone else’s formulas I just thought
ours worked for us. And was really cool.
Through all the years however and starting when the kids
were very young-I have also found our kids hard to manage in some ways. They
get on each other’s nerves often and often don’t know what to do with them. We
leave them to their own devices quite a bit and sometimes it works out and
sometimes it does not. We spend a ton of our leisure time as a family-usually 5
of us all together. It is rare that individuals are off in each their own
corners in our family. No one is behind closed doors. We are most often found
hard at work-or all together at home. This has had so many beautiful parts but
has had hard parts too. At one point when we had our other open concept living
space cottage…I thought I was going to die. Felt like we were together all the
time and sometimes drove me crazy. Although I must have loved most of it if I
craved it every second weekend right?
So all the sudden in this last week it occurred to me
what we do differently and what has not been a success:
Kids need less leisure time and more responsibilities.
That includes errands, mowing lawn, laundry and you name it. They had too much
time on their hands on some weekends/vacations throughout the years.
Yes I am big on chores. Huge on chores. But these take
them about 15 minutes on a weeknights and hour an day on weekends or vacations.
Doesn’t fill up a good part of day. Also they are considered tasks and chores (like when I was
brought up) A kind of annoying thing you do to pick up after yourself and help
the family. A required and unpleasant thing you do that you wish you were not
doing. I grew up with this mentality..and it did not help me as an adult at
all. To this day I consider any domestic chore..as a chore.
So yesterday and today besides their daily chores..we got
to work as a family. Seven loads of camp laundry. Sorting, folding, and hanging
out on the close line. We fired the guy who cuts the grass at the cottage and
gave the job to the boys instead. We installed a “10 minute tidy” at different
parts of the day which we all do together (well not Hubby as he is often the
cook) and we put music on and all do it together. No chores or individual zones….just
making sure it all gets clean.
And it was a damn good day I tell you.
And hardly any complaining. Or fighting. Or annoying us.
They felt accomplished and proud (I think as they would
never admit it)
And they were kept busy and occupied with tons of time in
between to have fun and relax too
And I think had a sense of getting what needed to get
done vs sense of an unpleasant task that they were doing alone.
We don’t have this problem during school months as their
school keeps them mightily busy that is certain. What we adore of the concept
of the high school is that the theory is that the more responsibility teens are
giving and the more work-the more they flourish and stay out of trouble. I have
seen it proven time and time again. And it is true.
So we decided to apply the same theory at home. Busy
bees. But in a fun family way. To make it enjoyable in the way that somehow
their school manages to do ..Even with hours and hours of studying per weekend
the worst thing they could ever imagine happening
to them in life is being expelled from that school. Maybe they are brainwashed?
Part of a big secret cult? I don’t know. Literally every student who goes there
feels that way.
All that to say we are getting more domestic around here
as I have mentioned before. We have been forced too as we have lost our help
and are replacing her with 1/3 of the help we used to have. On purpose.
I remember a few years ago a friend saying to me when she
lost her full time nanny that “it was the hardest and best thing” That her
three boys became totally competent in the home and it was about time.But man
was it a hard transition for that family.
This is where we are heading. 3 kids ..and a wife….will
become much much more domestic. And not see this as a task or chore, but as a
way to contribute to the family and add to the home. I have always added my
brains to the family. And my heart. It is
no time to add my hands. And show my kids how to do this too. (aka the
blind leading the blind)
Besides a (scary) capable husband ..I want three (scary)
capable kids too. And I would just like to be (somewhat) capable with a washing
machine and an oven.
I have to say though today doing the laundry as a gang
was actually quite fun. More than fun actually. It felt super good. Maybe it is
because we are on vacation and have the time? Maybe it is because nothing else
is fighting for our attention? Or maybe it is because I have realized that we
were wrong all these years and the answer to family and marital bliss is a bit
of soap and a clothesline? I hve to
admit I have always kinda thought if it can be delegated so easily what is the
point? Why not keep the harder and fun stuff to do ourselves (yes yes I know
very very spoiled and very very un-wife like)
When I realize I am wrong…trust me I admit it. Not just admit it but change it.
I used to think too much order in the home was a waste of
a lot of precious time. I am now starting to believe that it may just be the secret
to order in our hearts.
As my wise friend said to me that stuck like glue (like
every other piece of wise advice she gives me ”Tell your kids and yourself that
order in the home is a reflection of what is going on their heads and their
lives”She is right. In the last two days for no other reason than a few loads
of laundry and a freshly mowed lawn…I feel more rested and less chaotic than I
have in decades.
Coincidence? Vacation? Watching Downton Abbey too much
and laughing at the way the royalty is served and do nothing?
Don’t know yet. I will keep you posted after a few more
loads of laundry and ten minute tidys. I may just have been converted.
I have made my bed every single morning for the last two
weeks and for whatever strange and weird reason it makes me feel good. And
happy. And makes me smile. This is too good to be true.Really this is crazy.
Almost ludicrous, I honestly barely recognize myself anymore. Prancing around
doing laundry in my bikinis I have not worn in a year or two.
And the trick to it all has been realizing as a Mother I
will always always have to ask them twice and three times. Nagging is part of parenting. I have resigned to it as long as they
are living under my roof. It is just not going to happen that they will do
stuff on their own all the time without being asked (they will sometimes but
not always).
I am resigned. I have accepted it. I have adapted. I have
joined the normal human race.
(Don’t worry too much-the soccer hockey part I would not
change a thing…not for us. My kids are super sporty and just won 1st
place in just about everything at Camp Olympics
so I guess it all worked out ok. They are still athletic and well-rounded and
we all get to sleep in until 10am on weekends and have leisurely family dinners
together most nights of the week) This formula won’t be changing anytime soon.
PS-if this blog has been boring you to death lately I do
apologize. It has been a way lately of sorting in my head what has been brewing. Forgive me?
