I am sure that you notice on my blog that I often refer
to this stage of my life as different and unique from other stages I have
passed through as a parent. Often I actually wake up in the night and think”I
have a 15 yr old??? How did that happen? I am just a baby myself!!!!”
And being a Mom to a 15, 13 and 11 yrs. old is a very
unique stage of life. The boys are both teens and my girl being the last of
three has approached teen hood earlier than the boys. She is more advanced than
they were at her age. I consider that so far I have one real teen, one young
teen and one tween. In a few years, I will be fully at the teen stage and for
now I am part way there I am guessing. I am certian there is a lot ahead for me to still discover.
And it really is a distinct stage. Newborns were a
distinct stage for me and so were toddlers when they learnt to walk and crawl.
Then as they started grade 1 and were true school age. But between those phases….it
was not as particular and memorable for me as it is now. When they turn 11-13
(it hits at different time for each kid) everything changes as far as I am
concerned.
I have to say all in all I adore being a Mom to tweens and teens. To me so far it is probably
the stage I get the most joy out of besides maybe little tiny babies. I always
knew I would be good at this stage because I am better emotionally than I am
physically. I did not love running after kids running into the road or toilet training or reading fairy-tales
over and over. However I love analysing my kids, being in sync with them,
helping them get it right and handing down values. And I love the feeling of
emotional connection we have now. I am good at solving problems and they are
good at bringing them my way! Having teens is like having complex, intricate
problems to help solve day after day and this is right up my alley although thoroughly
exhausting.
I love watching my 15 yrs. old grow and change and develop.
It is such a privilege. And handing him more and more responsibility each day.
I love watching him succeed and fail (I never thought I would get through this
point but I am inching my way here!) He and I have a wonderful and loving bond.
A unique and cherished relationship. He confides in me, relies on me and
respects me. I adore this child and always have.
He also makes me crazy. He drives me nuts. Makes me worry
all day and night and completely lose control (not in a good way) often.
My 13 yr old is also wonderfully connected and open for a
boy his age. He is affectionate, caring, open, confides in us a whole bunch of
things. He is bright, curious and driven. He and I have gotten super super
close in the last couple of years especially as we worked out conflict between
us and how to deal with it. We have very different personalities but connect in
such close and cherished ways. He has always been the one I picture taking care
of us when we are old (I won’t let him). He will be the one that keeps the closeness
and traditions and the family bonded.
He also drives me bonkers and his head is as hard as a
rock. Living with him is often an infuriating experience as he is always right
in his mind.
My 11 yrs. old is the most complex of the three. She can be
the sweetest, most caring most wonderful person and then she can quickly turn
on you and push you away. She can be very distant. We have always been working
on this and it comes back just as we seem to solve the puzzle. It may also be a
girl thing as she is Daddy’s little girl which leaves me out of the loop and
love often. She idolizes her Dad and if she even hears anyone saying he will
get old one day she covers her ears and screams “No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I always thought I would be closer to a girl then boys but with her she naturally
veers towards her Dad. We love each other a ton and share so much happiness together
but I haven’t got that “total click” with her (yet) that came so naturally with
the boys and I am very motivated to get it fully soon. I have not fully figured
her out in the way I have my boys and I certainly intend too. She is a beautiful,
sweet complex girl and I look forward to the challenge of accessing her unique
and wonderful personality fully. Don’t get me wrong ..we are super close…..she
tells me everything and we have a great relationship..I just know that there is
way more ahead for us. Also my expectations are high-I speak to my own Mother
everyday or more and that is not often enough for me!!!!!
With my daughter it is also that in some ways she was
brought up differently. Less structure and discipline with her as the last of
three with two tired parents by the time she came around. I am certain this has
had an effect…a post for another time. But I am only really realizing this now
and coming on strong with the structure and the discipline that I realize has
really benefitted the boys. Even the boys comment all the time “Mom! Put her on
a time out! Do something!” It proves to me 100% that discipline and structure
=security and ease.
It makes me sad to think that I did not give my daughter
the pleasure of enough times outs,enough discipline, enough structure that she likely
craved and needed. Kids who don’t get this often interpret it as a lack of love
L(((( (she got a lot don’t get me wrong but not at
the level of her two older brothers with 99% consistency and effort)…and that is
not fair.
So on teens and tweens I find them unbelievable creatures
and I love having them around. Don’t let anyone tell you to dread these years…they
are amazing. And equally scary and worrisome and complex and crazy. Just like
real life-a series of ups and down and twists and turns.
And the biggest advice I can give you???? Set the stage
early for this difficult stage of development. Get your act together and your
energy together well ahead when they are little and pay attention, teach them
well, spend time on them, and provide them the structure and discipline that
all kids crave. Close and connected is only one part of the game-these kids
look up to you and need your wisdom, your warnings and to lead them though life.
They are counting on you and serve them well.
Trust
me I know. Now that I have kids this age I can see where I succeeded
and see where I went wrong and I can see the impact and effects on them. And it
is never ever too late to change dynamics with a child or relationships but
much harder when you and your kid are in a set pattern. It is certainly achievable
at later ages but will demand a lot more of you and your child.
And never ever think that providing structure and
strictness and discipline to a child is harming them. It is the exact
opposite-not providing it they will perceive as a lack of attention and love. I
have seen it time and time and time again. Over and over and over in other
families and in my own. What you do in the early years is directly linked to
the tween and teen years. So plan it out and think longer term and you will all
win.
Seriously..I promise.
