Flowergirls

I love watching my daughter grow up.

It is such a privilege.

They play of girls-it fascinates me. So very different than the play of boys.

Two girls communicating, empathizing, understanding, creating, imagining, sharing. It is lovely to watch my daughter and her new friend at play.

The sweet gesture of a gift to the hostess of sparkly barrettes, the gracious acceptance of the gift from my daughter. Hugging at the end and promises for sleepovers.

I love seeing my daughter blossoming into everything she was ever meant to be. I love seeing her uniqueness, her kindness and her inquisitive side. I love the fact that others love to be around her. I love the fact that she is perfectly herself in every interaction.

Girls focus on manners and hostess roles. The two little sweethearts discussed who should choose the first cupcake this time and next time they visit. It was more important to each of them to please the other than to be pleased themselves.

I love seeing in my daughter all the values, ideas and traditions that we have worked so hard on all these years together. It is such a pleasure to see the type of gentle friend my daughter can be.

I loved watching these two little girls together tonight. Two little flowers themselves with a friendship between them blossoming.

 I would take tonight every single time over a real bouquet of flowers. Happy Valentine's day to me.

Perceptions

Look at the illusion below

What do you see?

You probably read the word ME in  brown, but...
when you look through ME you will  see YOU !

Do you need to look again? (illusion seems not to show up at all on some computersL

When my son, sent me this illusion the other day by email (I love receiving email from him-such a cool way to communicate with kids) it made me stop and think. What came to mind was perception and the way we see things...and ultimately the way it affects both our communication and our relationships.

Last week one of my BFF’s and I were faced with a round of miscommunication. She had written something that I had interpreted in the completely wrong way. Her intention of what she had written was completely different than the way I perceived it. We saw the same words-but there meaning was completely different to each of us.

Lucky for both of us, we are so close that we confronted this with one another and simply cleared this up right away. We checked in and said “Hey that bothered me-and this is how I interpreted this” which led to “OMG-that was not the intended meaning at all!”

Both of us were secure enough in our relationship to ask these questions. Thankfully.

Sometimes I look at the world and think...it’s just a series of miscommunications really.

Makes me think of the expression I learnt from one of my teachers of transformation of “coming complete” . Always finish what you have  started. Always say what is on your mind . Always check in for accuracy. Always tell the truth in the way that it occurs to you.  Always share your occurring world with the other people around you as what may occur to you may not occur to them.

I am thankful that usually in most cases I come complete with the people around me. For the few instances that I have not done so (yet) in particular instances or relationships..I can feel the weight of this burden often. It’s heavy on me and it drags me down.

I am going to keep in mind this optical illusion that Bear sent me and let it serve as a reminder. What YOU see and what ME sees is not always the accuracy of what WE see as unit. The intricacies , the context and the complexities of the relationship we share between us ,  count for way more than what simply meets the eye.

Suitcases and Umbrellas

A disclaimer I need to make: I am not a full expert (yet) on 12 yrs and over. I consider myself extremely knowledgable in 0-12 yrs but still have another year or so left in the area of teenagers. Careful  studying, reading, researching, coaching and gaining feedback before I can say that I know what I am talking about fully. I hold myself to my own professional standard that if you have not coached or counseled at least 100 people on a particular area or stage (and received confirmation that your strategies are in fact effective) that you cannot claim that you are effective yet in this area.

So for the moment-I humbly rely on others when it comes to the 12 plus years. I ask tons of questions to those who have survived these years, read every book I can get my hands on (literally bought 75 in one yr at Chapters), have lunch and get curious with as many people I can find that have this age of child, take courses, do I-Learn segments and most importantly invite opportunities for myself to coach others on this topic  and warn them that I consider myself still learning.

It’s been two years that I have been  studying adolescence now and want a full other year under my belt. One of my favorite experts on the subject of Adolescence right now is my Aunt Chiffon. She and my uncle Chez Veto have been raising their two cubs for years now that are now 20 yrs and 18 yrs and have turned out beautifully and incredibly. This proof of success is by far enough for me to consider them full live experts in this field.

Chiffon has given me a wonderful lens through which to see adolescence as a stage and a beautiful visual to go with it.

It’s about suitcases and umbrellas

Chiffon said –and I interpreted in my own way and words- to imagine a picture of you with your little kids walking with them and holding all of their hand (even though you have two hands and they have six hands to hold). There you are scurrying down the street and while holding their six hands with your two they each have a number of suitcases behind them that they are too little to carry themselves-(or at least you believe they are too little and too weak). So let’s say with three kids maybe 6 suitcases each? So that’s me with 18 suitcases and six hands. But it’s raining so now I need to make sure their little heads don’t get wet so I have to carry three umbrellas over third sweet little heads too. And oh no! My head will get wet too-but oh well-their heads are more important than mine anyways.

Well as you can see this load is a very, very heavy one. It is exhausting and tiring and frustrating and actually it is impossible to sustain or carry yourself . So as the kids get older and more capable you have to let the rain fall on their heads and allow them to get wet. You have to start worrying about your own  hair and put an umbrella over it so that you look presentable at work. With the suitcases you have to let them go one by one and put them in the capable hands of your children. Bye bye academic success suitcase! Bye bye-do you have friends or not at school suitcase! Bye bye do you make too many eggs as a snack afterschool suitcase! Bye bye do you wear your helmet when I am not watching suitcase ! Bye bye  do you keep candy hidden under your bed suitcase! Bye bye- do you look other adults directly in the eye when saying thank you as you leave their homes suitcase! They are yours now, my cubs, so decide to lug them around or decide to keep them in the closet-it’s your choice now.

 If they have too many suitcases to carry and find the load too heavy themselves-you have to teach them to pack more lightly the next time and show them how to.

Eventually you also have to stop holding their hands too-and walk together side by side. With their hands in yours they are learning only your part of the world  (your part) and not their own interpretations. Their hands leave yours but they are still beside you and listening to your voice. As they make mistakes, and their hearts break, or they fail at something they wanted to succeed at they may want to hold your hand for part of the stroll again-but then you will need to tell them that they need to let go and urge them to want to let go willingly. This is your role as a parent.

Soon you become 4 people (and five if your husband happens to be there too with suitcases and umbrellas needed to be carried!) You all stand apart but closely bound and side by side.

(Tears in my eyes now as I am writing. Never thought my own blog could make me cry).

Reminds me of a beautiful rock my Heartbeat gave to me years ago that is a rock divided by a line. She said ‘together always but separated” I have that rock in my nightable beside my bed and look at it often. It reminds me that my mommy is still always there for me but that my life as a mommy and wife is my own to lead now. She gave it to me when she went on a long vacation (3 weeks was the most ever I did not communicate with her) we speak, email, leave msgs or do something many times a day)

As I write this email I just texted my amazing Aunt Chiffon to tell her that I named her on my blog. Her answer was many things, but ended with “Love you too my dear Tarina xox!”.

Thank you Chiffon for giving me a direction and for lightening my load. Without you…I may have been carrying suitcases and umbrellas for a lifetime.

Losing Control

One thing that I am really struggling with these days is control. To clarify-I have always struggled with control actually. Seen professionals, seen naturopaths, tried massage therapy-all for the purpose of something else initially but it all essentially comes down to the reality that I am a control freak.

Parts of being a control freak have worked really well for me in my life and have probably largely contributed to my having quite big and responsible careers from a very early age out of University. Parts of being a control freak have also worked out very well for me as a Mom in our family since there is a lot of order, routines, rituals and my kids feel like they can depend on me to make anything better. Being a control freak at work has been very productive for me in my career. My bosses and teams love me as they know that I will never let them down or not deliver.

Where I am finding that being a control freak is not working out, especially lately, is for my own personal wellbeingL My health, my stress levels, some chronic pain, my  ability to just relax and enjoy. My overall state of being is all going downhill in some concerning directions.

Another area that being a control freak is not working out for me is in the area of teenagers-it is not even half as effective as it has been in the past when the kids were younger. Now that I am entering the “Pray for Them” stage vs. the” Teach Them or Guide Them” stages-I need a new compass and its name is not control.

So my new big project and I need some serious help here so please help me-is:

Losing Control.

And by that I don’t mean ranting and raving and screaming to which this terms is usually attributed (I do enough of that on my own thank you very much!)

It is as in- get control out of me-lose it.

Where I want to start losing control is first with Chase who will be 14 in December. I would like to learn to let  his life be owned fully by him and not worry about it, let his homework be his own and his grades and not worry about this, let him prepare for the next day without me checking up on him and reminding him that his lunch is all moldy and rotten at the bottom of his schoolbag. I want to not concern myself with any of this unless he is not adhering to family routines or feeling well overall , such as  being the dinner table when expected or not at our family meetings when he should be, or not passing school or completely down and out.

If I could have even one single day when “his stuff” is not “in my active mind” as though it were all happening to me-I would be satisfied.

I am exhausted I realized the other day. I have no more room to worry about these kids and their stuff anymore! The worst part is is all three of them are FINE! There is nothing really wrong in the lives of any of them. Last year when there was something very wrong in the lives of one of them-I nearly lost my mind completely-it was dreadful. At this point I may have anxiety about parts of their  lives, some of their habits etc.., some of their grades, but they are completely happy and are not complaining (for the moment anyways)

I create stress for my family. Recently I had to leave the house for a few days because I had the flu and did not want them to get sick and I honestly think they were happier without me in a lot of ways. Sure from afar I was still the puppeteer controlling their days, their homework, their routines and rituals through the people that I delegated these tasks to, but the difference was I was not there nagging them about it and I think it makes them all happier.

So I need some serious help in this area and some serious support as I embark on my losing control journey. I have a few friends, my Soulkeeper in particular, who have soooo very much to teach me in this area. I look at these people and think “Gosh I wish I could be as peaceful as you are even with all the stresses in your life. “. Bring it on babies! I am a learning machine!

So for the next few weeks I am going to focus on the below (feel free to interfere if you see me goofing up which I am certain to do)

1-Let people own the areas they own and evaluate thesea areas a  few times a year (as in once a quarter) as opposed to making comments on a daily basis of how it could be better. Let them try their own thing and succeed or fail, and readjust without my continuous mundane commentary.

2-Reduce bureaucracy by interfering less and go with the flow. Accept that things will not be perfect. Let the to do list go on for longer…and stop nagging and reminding about it’s items.

3-With my kids have a firm behavior /consequence sequence that they are all aware of and aligned on  (done at family meeting last week!)  but in between don’t think about this, bug them about it or ask them about it just apply the consequence (as is pluck a buck just take the money and don’t say 5 mins before “You know I am going to have to take some money from your jar soon eh? Or “Taking money from jar now-please mentally note”

4-Let my kids’ lives be their own really. Especially the 13 yr. old (the 11 yr. old and 9 yr. old I still have some guidance there to squish in there before they are teens)  Try and  not worry  so much and  stop trying to fix what is not broken. Don’t worry about what they themselves are not even worrying about. And if there is something worrying them-help them out-provide direction-provide coaching-provide a listening ear-but do not take their problem on as my own. Believe me I have enough of my own concerns.

So it’s a start right? Let’s see where it goes. Hold me accountable readers! Give me tips and tricks and I promise to soak it all in.

SleepyHead

Sleep is really, really important to me. In my opinion families who get a good night rest get a good days play.

Sleep is so fundamentally important to me and my hubby that even before our first child was born, we decided to actively study it. Following the many sleepless nights of my firstborn son, this lead me to study harder and faster. I never realized at that time what an expert on sleep I would eventually become and never had the intention of making this part of my career. I am so happy however that I went this route because it has been something that I have coached more clients than I can count on as an issue, and have approx  99% effectiveness rate from the feedback that I have received from these clients, colleagues and friends.

I am thrilled to know that I have made a difference in the beds, the moods and the overall family satisfaction of many families.

I am a firm believer that from infancy to 5yrs old we have a massive teaching opportunity as parents. It is in these important years that we set the stage for everything else. If we can get it right at this stage-the road is so much easier the rest of the way. Is it possible to undo bad habits past the age of 5yrs-absolutely-but be prepared to work much harder!

When I work with sleep in children my first question to the parents is “Are you happy with the way you, your partner and your child sleep?” If the answer is “yes” I send them away very quickly. They save a lot of money and I save a lot of time. I have no problem at all with the family bed, kids having erratic schedules or midnight snacks as long as the parents are happy and satisfied and that this lifestyle does not interfere with their overall family satisfaction. Secondly what makes a difference too is  that the child is happy, well-adjusted and healthy with the amount of sleep they are getting. My motto in coaching is “don’t fix what’s not broken-there will be plenty of other areas to fix down the road.”

Some however fall into the category of “I don’t mind my child going to sleep at midnight and getting up at 6am” but fundamentally this is bad for the child-for her mood, her growth, her developmental milestones etc.. Children need a certain amount of sleep, just as they need certain nutrients, for their age. When I am faced with this situation I often ask the parents to consult their pediatrician before coaching them.

In our home, and in the homes of the parents I have coached on sleep the following is true:

·        Kids have a regular bedtime regardless of how awake or tired they are. This bedtime may differ for weekends and special occasions

·        Kids all have consistent weekday and weekend wake up times and stay in their rooms until that time in the mornings

·        Kids after tuck in time do not come out of their bedrooms for snacks and juice and water

·        Kids have no sleep aids to are associated directly with sleep (bottles, pacifiers, rocking ,TVs in room etc..)

·        Kids are taught early on to manage their own sleep patterns and to be independent

·        Kids sleep in their own rooms past 6 months always unless they are very ill or a special date night to be in the parents bed

·        Kids below the age of 5 have regular nap times that turn into quiet times in their beds if they are not sleeping at that time anymore

·        Parents have time in the evenings for themselves, as a couple,  or  to compete work. They can count on  this time 100% every evening

·        Parents don’t need to go to sleep with their kids just because their kids ask them to. They have their own adult bedtimes

·        Parents have relaxing time in the mornings before the kids get up  in the morning to prepare for their day, have coffee and read the paper if they wish

·        Parents feel a sense of peace knowing their kids are getting the amount of sleep their bodies need.

The system that I teach on sleep is very simple and I work with families on a case by case basis to really understand their particular household routines, identify their values around sleep, look at family schedules and get to understand the kid’s temperaments, habits and personalities.

Fundamentally the system:

·        Works within 2 weeks of putting into place (at maximum)usually 3 days is average

·        There is a signed contract between the 2 parents of what the agreement is for sleep

·        There will be a lot of “crying it out” at the beginning but peace for the rest of the child’s life basically around sleep

·        The parents must be very tough for the implementation of the program, but after it is learned by the child and family the routine of putting a child to bed and tucking them in is a pleasurable, cooperative and enjoyable  time of day that all parties involved look forward to.

·        Children very quickly adapt and have a sense of pride that they are capable of going to sleep on their own

So enough about sleep-because I have to get some myself now too!  I will be talking about sleep many, many times on this blog as it is a true passion of mine and I am in complete awe of the body, the brain and family routines around sleep. I love it so much I will probably put you to sleep at one point just hearing me talk about it! It’s one of my obsessions in life and I love sharing what I know and have studied for so many years.  

As with any of my posts on parenting- I am passing along information that has worked for me and on which I coach on, but my way is obviously and definitely not the only way either. You need to do what works for your family and what you believe in. If you are happy already with your family sleep patterns-you should skip this post-if you are blurry eyed-miserable and looking for a helping hand check my blog every once and a while around sleep.

So much, much more on sleep coming soon!

Coming soon in this section (Baby to 5 yrs-Teaching Them)

·        Intercoms

·        My secret sleep invention

·        Siblings and the arrival of a new baby

·        Time outs

·        Early alignment between couples

·        Sharing Baby with Dad

·        Establishing discipline and order early on

·        The importance of schedules

·        The importance of rituals

·        Back to work!

·        And Much Much more

Floating

It’s amazing how soft and brilliant and loving I become-when I claim the gift of time. The ability to just be, not to do, to plan or to organize just to behold nothingness. It's in this world that I am at my best.
My clearest moments of thought are floating on my boat-wind in my hair and sun on my face. Blackberry away, homework on the shelf for the summer and to do lists tucked away.
I begin to dream...to allow myself to think and feel about what matters most to me in the world. To indulge myself with extra-long cuddles with my husband and tender kisses on my kids foreheads.

Luxurious summer vacation at the cottage. Could anything be more precious?
But how to bring this fantasy 3 weeks into our real lives daily? Yes.. I try to bring parts of rest and relaxation and recovery into our daily and weekly life but it is not the same.
Is three weeks of a happy and rested Mom enough to sustain and anchor my children-does it fill them enough? Does it fill me enough?
How do you get "relax, enjoy and get that floating feeling" onto that crowded to do list-and if it does make itself on there by some miracle, how do you experience it in the same way that you do when you have days and weeks ahead of you as opposed to minutes?

I need to find that floating feeling and bring it into my daily life. I need to bottle me at my best and sprinkle its dust on the ones I love every day and not only on our vacations.
The ideal world for me would be one in which you wouldn't need a vacation be your whole life is one big float in the park.


Who am I fooling though-if these 3 weeks were my normal life chances are I would have been locked away a long time ago! I may complain a lot but the real truth is the sweet smell of my 10000 emails, the chaos of my house, my hundred to do lists and me barking out orders-is really quite enjoyable to me and lovely in fact. The anticipation of leaving that life for 3 weeks-and the comfort of knowing I will go back to it all soon is what makes the floating, and relaxing and sunbathing and luxuriating so special and unique. Ultimately it's why it's called a vacation!!!
So big  goal for September...find a way bring a dose of this feeling into our normal lives. To hug longer, kiss more, say yes more often to that extra dessert or late night dip in the pool. Then if our vacation ever does get cancelled (my biggest fear ever-kind how some people feel about spiders!!) I know me (and my family) will be ok.

Outhouse Joy

It's amazing how utterly terrified of outhouses I am. It's a really unnatural fear. I avoid them like the plague-I would rather hold in my pee indefinitely then have to visit the outhouse-or even peeing my pants would be a better option as far as I am concerned.

So this summer-our fave day of the summer when we go to our friend’s Holiday House for their annual lake regatta-as we get there Ms. Holiday announces the toilet broke and they rented an outhouse for the occasion.
There it was right in front of the cottage and my friend Ms. Holiday being the amazing woman she is even decorated it inside and out!!!! (my Protector joked she should start and a new business in outhouse decorating and they both had a good laugh, but I secretly thought to myself what a fab idea and started that night brainstorming how to make it happen!)
So I passed by it on way to front door and peeked at it out of the corner of my eye. I conjured up the plan to just drink very little and pee in the lake all day.


Come 6pm I had to desperately pee. By that time there were 27 of us at the cottage, I had changed into my supper clothes and thought it might look a bit suspicious if I changed back into my bathing suit and jumped into the lake by myself to cool off while everyone else was opting for a sweater-so I decided to collect my courage and go for it.
I asked my friend Ms. Holiday if she could stand outside the door just in case I fell into the hole or in case the door got locked forever. She said yes-I love this girl :).

 

So all was ok until she said outside the door -"so make sure you don't look down the hole" so of course I did-just like when my Mom used to say" be sure not to touch the hot pot". It's like a huge invitation no?

So anyways-I look down the hole and fear is replaced by gagging-and lots of it. When I say gagging I mean like the uncontrollable acid reflux one-with no acid. Poor Holiday has to listen to this while she is protecting me from the black hole.
Once the gagging stopped enough for me to reach for some toilet paper- I ran out as fast as I possibly could and opted for the washing of hands at the kitchen sink.


The point of this story is that despite my very real fear of outhouses-I would repeat every single moment of that perfect day. My love of friendship, cozy cottages and regattas and lakes far surpass any fear real or imagined that I have.
I looked at this group of people that we were with ,our Holidays and our Sweethearts and love swelled up in my heart. I would go pee in a thousand outhouses, day after day and year after year to be with this gang and spend the precious time that we do so often with them.

The best part of this entire story? When I got back to my own cottage I actually resented out bathroom a bit. I have always loved the simplicity of cottage life and when I took a look at my well intentioned Cape Cod decorated cottage bathroom-I felt like I was missing out a bit. I started aching for the outhouse . Although mainly I am scared of outhouses-what I am not scared of is experiences and the Holiday House to me that day and everyday always make me feel like I have lived when I have been there.

All in all-I think I will give up my fear of Outhouses from now on just in case next year the Holiday toilet is not working again and my fear  lends to any possibility of me not getting invited back. Secondly, I think that in the future I will potentially be very involved with outhouses since Ms. Holiday will need an expert marketer like me to help her with her Decorating Outhouses profitability plan:)