Welcome Baby Blue

He arrived!!!  Last night in time for dinner on Canada Day.

Happy Healthy, little blue package.

We got the phone call that baby was healthy and a BOY during our dinnertime and we all screamed and shouted for joy. It was sooooo exciting!!!!

There was something about her having him that just made my heart melt. Three kids just like me…two of one gender and one of the other.

With two beautiful daughters at home, After so many miscarriages, and very difficult ones, and so many painful periods, and fears and worries..she got her little boy. Her healthy third child. Boy or girl always feels like such a miracle.

She told me on the phone she felt peace and that made me really, really happy...

And as usual she was calm, serene, sweet and wonderful, my Soul keeper friend. The picture that was sent to me today could have been pulled from the pages of Vogue…she looking like she just got off the runway instead of in the hospital juts having given birth.  I love her too much to feel jealousJ

She radiated peace and beauty. Those lucky kids....they will spend their lives being adored by her and adoring her that is certain..

So I went to bed last night all wound up, and all content, and so happy that I could feel such happiness for others. So happy that I am at a stage of my own life that I have time to enjoy others children as mine get older, so proud that I am able to access within my self so much happy, pure joy for someone else I love.

To have her happy, happy life be just so beautiful to watch unfold.

I am more than glad that she has a son. To me…..there is nothing in the world…like having a son. Having a son grow up and loving him and having him love you…..it is an amazing feeling. And just like having a daughter is beautiful, having a son is too-in such a different way. I am happy I can share this with her now.

After what seems like a lifetime of dreaming of girls, and wishing for my own girl, and wishing for other people’s girls…I am glad that what made my heart leap last night was her boy.

Knowing full well the love, and joy and path that are ahead of her as a mommy to a son.

Going to sleep last night so grateful and so thankful for the miracle of life that I am so happily part of.

Thinking and dreaming of all the ways this woman has changed me over the last two years in the direction that I needed to go..through pure and unconditional love for me. Letting me be me..and accepting me as I am and holding my hand firmly ,as I have shyly but surely altered parts deep within myself. She has changed me as a Mother.

I can’t wait to meet your son tomorrow, Bella…….sweet dreams.

Five at Sea (often minus three..)

There is nothing..and I mean nothing as lovely  as messing around on boats”.

I don’t know where I got this quote, I think my late Grampa cut it out of the newspaper for me ..and I love it.

In our family I don’ think any of us are happier than when we are playing on boats. Motorboats, sailboats, kayaks, paddleboats. We live on these things and have since the kids were born (aka walking into cdn tire and asking if they have lifejackets for 3 month olds-I mean if dogs wear them why not little infants)!

Boats have been so much a part of our lives for what seems like forever. Essentially we have brought up our kids on Five at Sea.

We have taught them wakeboarding, waterskiing, slalom, and kneeboard. They have been flipped thousands of times on the tube over and over and been taught signals for fast and slow.

We have screamed at them endless times to practice harder and to get the sport right (we are huge tiger parents when it comes to watersports and the achievement of them). It certainly has paid off; they are all wonderful to watch on water and very skilled, but it has been an exhausting process at times!

We have told endless jokes on boats and laughed our heads off . We have blasted music and danced often.

I have cuddled them, and held them and played with their hair endlessly on boats.

We have screamed at them to get up and try again, bribed them with gumballs and parked at many islands to swim with our boat.

We have named all the surrounding islands, BlogSpot, Malibu Bay and Covey corner.

There is something magical for me about the wind blowing in my hair on the boat. I do my best thinking there. I feel free there.

We have slept on boats and woken up on them. Our kids have loved them, gotten bored of them, begged for them and resisted them.

Boats have mirrored our lives and the way we live them and I will always, always hold that in fact that quote was true and that there is nothing much in life that comes close to playing and messing around on boats . Boats have kept our family together and close….and I will be forever grateful for them in my life.

Boats will always be part of us-each one of us. Boats have defined us in somany many ways.

Precious Time

Lately I have been giving some thought to the way that time is used by me, by my family and in life in general.

I have been struck with the thought  that if I were to list my activities outside of work activities, so many of them seemed to be aimed at preparing for or wrapping up from leisure activities. And that’s what gets me. Here we have a fun activity (sleep away camp, going to the cottage for a long weekend, going to a family reunion on Ottawa, having friends to cottage etc..) and all my time seems to be used and spent  on preparing for these great events. And then after they are over, cleaning up after them.

So all that is essentially left is the activity itself and not much else. Hope I enjoy them! Enjoy those moments!

So am I normal? For some reason I think not.

So either I take way more time to prepare or I have just way more of those activities to plan for –which is very possibly true.

I think if my kids were in organized sport 4-5 times per week, I would just lose it. Thank goodness I understand my own limits.

I seem to need a lot of unstructured time in the summer, maybe because my work and days are so demanding? I don’t know.

I just know that the most precious moments I have in life, the ones that I get the most pleasure from, the ones that will stay etched in me forever are all during unstructured time.

They are not when we are running to get to a party

They don’t happen at the ice rink watching hockey

They don’t occur when I  am packing for the cottage

They are not present when I am doing the laundry after a long weekend

They don’t happen at the waterslides, at camps or by text.

They happen when I am in the present, enjoying the moment and available both physically and mentally.

When there is time for the unplanned.

For peace.

For connection.

For just being together.

Like last night with Bear at the table just the three of us and all the precious and secret stories about graduation.

Like stopping at friends for a cupcake unplanned and staying for a bit when I got my daughter.

Like having made time this week for a lunch with my wonderful friend, SoulKeeper who is about to have a baby any day now (out of anyone I know this  paricular friend is the mots peaceful and present woman I know-great example for me)

Like taking an extra day at the cottage with my Mom instead of taking 3 clients

Like being in the Jacuzzi with my Hubby at 1am under the stars even though I should be sleeping

I will always believe that it is in these precious moments that real life is experienced and felt. For me anyways.

And I will never have enough of these moments or make enough time for them.

And if I have too many-I won’t appreciate them as much as I do right now because they would not be as special.

And I will try as hard as I can to ensure that outside of my work which is of course very structured, much planned, very organized and very busy (which I love to have this there)…that I try to stop and smell the flowers often outside of this.

To remind myself that I am at my best when I am present.

And to be present as often as I can and still have the kind of life that keeps me packing, moving, socializing and going all the time.

Like an Energizer Bunny who wants to once in a while run out of fuel and is very content to take a break.

Sparkle

It’s been on my mind often lately.

Because of a lot of reasons.

Passion.

It could have something to do with the Trilogy I am reading “Shades of Grey” I mean I am not quite shy to reveal on my blog I am reading this as is there any woman left on the earth who does not know who Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele are???

I love the passion between them. The sex is secondary to me, to their romance, their love, their enchantment with each other. I have never seen anything like it before (probably because it does not exist beyond a book).

I know a lot of people have passion in their lives and in their relationships (more the people dating, younger, been married less than 8 yrs, or having affairs)! But I have not seen a passion equivalent yet to Ms. Steele and Mr. Grey.

Oh My!

The passion that has been on my mind lately however has less to do with Escala and the Red Room and more to do with life itself.

I have realized in myself that over the last 6 months a part of me has been accessed that was not there before. I feel much more passionate.  A friend and I were discussing yesterday that on my blog lately most of it is about parenting…and it is entirely true.

This has become a passion of mine as strange as that seems to me. I mean who would have thought that the Mom who can’t make a pie would end up obsessed with the topic of parenting? And sharing it and writing about it even more so.

Even at my place of work, completely outside of this domain entirely, I am known to walk up to the President, look him in the eye and ask “How are your kids? What are they up to for the summer?”

I am genuinely interested. As much as I am in the bottom line of the company. The two for me make up the one person. I cannot separate them. For me Work and the Family are one. They belong to each other. You love them both right?

When I spoke at my Dad’s funeral and said “It is now time to put a pen to paper and let music back into my heart” …I was not kidding it seems! There were words in me for so long that wanted to come out and now they seem to be flowing. Thanks Dad for giving me the peace to claim them back.

But besides the writing and the parenting, I am starting to understand what passion means to me. It means not going for the low lying fruit,  it means reaching for the stars, not accepting no to get in the way, and being in the driver’s seat.

It means striving and loving every minute, sacrificing and not minding. It means not allowing in my life things that don’t make me happy or meet my expectations. It means deciding what I want and getting those things.

Passion for a person like me is a dangerous thing. When I want something. I make sure I get it. With passion as my fuel, who knows where that might take me? It scares me sometimes.

And it’s exciting to share passion. The same friend who told me yesterday that my blog is often about family…is on her own passionate route in life and I have been part of it. Seeing her sparkle. ..seeing this fire in her eyes…having her share it with me..Seeing her essentially free in her soul and at the core delights me to no end. Was I part of this beauty???

I will always know that we are on our passion journey together no matter how near or far.  I will always take her with me, and me with her I am convinced. We will end up getting rich together in the simplest sense of the word. What was that expression she told me once about the reasons someone comes into your life? Passing? Purpose? Forever?  A mix of all three? Do I have to choose one?

So my mind explores passion. My heart reads about Grey and Steele and part of it is passionate for me, and part of it is scary. Sometimes I run to the book and other times I run away from it. Part of me knows I have that in my life, and part of me knows that there is none of it and I want it.

Part of me wants a young, rich, sexy billionaire and the other part of me is more than content with the wealth I have in my own bed every night holding me and cuddling me and putting up with me.

And just like real passion, real life is complex. It is off an on and black and white with a whole lot of Grey mixed in. It comes and it goes. But one thing is for sure:

You sparkle a whole lot more when you are passionate. Life suddenly becomes more interesting because passion if it is inside of you and in your heart, and not just an act or an affair shared with a lover.

It is yours to keep. For good. It belongs to you.

Protect it.

Fragility of Friendships

I guess we are all different as Mothers. Some of us get really stressed out and worried when our kids fall down and get hurt, others it’s worry over bad grades. Some find the first day of separation at kindergarten grueling, and others it is the first day of college that is hardest.

For me it’s always been about my kids and their friends. Various things break my heart on various levels.

I am sad when my kids are not included by someone. I am sad if my kid excludes someone else. I feel really worried when my kid is not invited to a birthday party and even more stressed when my kid leaves out his own best friend to his party. Friendships…are complicated and it is so hard to watch this part of my kid's lives evolve.

As much as it is fascinating. It gives me tremendous pleasure when things are going well and breaks my heart when I perceive that they are not. I hate the feeling of knowing that my kid is feeling sadness or causing sadness for others. And now I can officially say I have been through all scenarios with all three kids.None of it is easy for me or them.

(The only good part of all of this is that I tend to focus on one poor kid of mine much less often and now it has expanded to the other lucky two! Easier to spread the worry and stress three ways!!!!) Distracts me a lot from one.

I know however that these experiences in childhood prepare them for adulthood. And for marriage,. And partnership. Without these lessons they will never fully bloom.

And I don’t really know what exactly about the childhood friendship area affects me the most. I was a fairly popular child and teenager with many friends and little social issues, so not really sure why this issue eats me at the very core?

Maybe because I was an only child (two half brothers so good part of childhood spend alone during week) . For me being alone a good part of time and so dependent on my parents for fun and entertainment, made the friends I had life lines in many ways.

I needed them desperately. I loved them.

Since most others had full time siblings and I had to wait for the weekend until mine came, my friends became almost siblings in many ways. I felt when they left that it was boring at home in many ways and craved the bustle of other households where the kids had built in chaos and playmates much of the time.

I seemed to always want a sleepover. Lucky for me my parents did not perscribe to the attachment theory method of parenting which includes the no-sleepover rule or I would have been faced with a lot of trouble. Sleepovers were oxygen for me in so many ways. I had many.

Even as an adult, friends are widely important to me. Most women my age who get to a stage of conflict or find themselves growing apart from a friend, let it go and gradually over time possibly lose the relationship together.

I in a number of situations over my adulthood have dealt with difficult issues head on because I can’t bear the thought of losing a precious friend without exploring, discussing and dealing with whatever is on the table.I have always gone to extremes when it comes to friendship it seems. Just as I would with my family.

My friends are just way too precious to me. They remain my lifelines on so many levels.

And like childhood friendships they change as we change. And even at this age I find that hard to deal with. How can I expect a 10-14 yr. old to do this?

How can I expect them to understand that that person you once cherished and had over everyday of your life now prefers another friend than you and does not want to see you? Or make my child understand that even if he is not your best friend now but was for the last 4 yrs., that yes it is important to still include him because he cares about you? Or have a tween understand that birthdays, graduations and other events are milestones and that not inviting someone to those events will pull part your relationship forever? Or that it is ok to feel totally upset and hurt if you are not included and to let it be known?

Life is tough, with wonderful magical moments in between.

So as summer starts… friends are on my mind. The plenty of them and the lack of them. The ones parading through my home on a constant basis and the ones who used to parade and now have vanished. The neighbors my kids run to and the ones they hide from.

There is nothing quite as strong for me as my children being good friends to others and my wish for them to be adored by many.

That’s just the way it seems to be around here in my heart.

Our Goalless Summer

Too much of a good thing sometimes has the opposite effect.

I have always been a goal girl (and always will be). That being said, summer for me is the one time of year that I seem not to want to let any goals in at all ,as much as it would make sense because we have more time than ever to devote to them.

Last summer I was inspired by two of my favorite blogs, by the notion of summer goals for the kids and us too. Committing to certain goals, monitoring the achievement of them, rewarding for them. Having a reading plan for summer etc…..I have read many parenting books that advocate that having goals in summer is good for kids.

In theory it all made sense to me and my achievement oriented mind, so wanted to run it by the family at family night. Within milliseconds all four of them shouted “No Way!!!!” Guess that was clear enough.

What was interesting was that my husband’s voice was the loudest. He had a very strong opinion on this one which is unusual for him to take such a stand when it comes to the parenting routines.

So last summer and this summer and likely every summer thereafter is our time to rest, to relax, to just be and to generally be free. Free of any expectations, commitments and as few routines as possible. Of course the house gets cleaned, the kids have their duties, teeth get brushed, books get read (very few unfortunately by the kids), and conversations are had.

However, family nights are stopped for summer, we sleep in as late as possible on weekends and vacations, we eat dinner at times most people have been asleep for hours, we have nonsense amounts of people entertained and welcomed into our home and cottage, the kids have endless sleepovers and pool parties and rules are lessened as much as possible without sacrificing our kids safety or well-being!

We look forward to summers in the way that some people crave water in a desert. As far as Hubby and I go, we try to schedule the least possible, except for friends and family, we try to work less, play more, enjoy a ton, and push all unpleasant and mundane tasks as much a way from these 8-10 weeks as possible.

We adore summer and protect it with all of our hearts.

People often ask me how it is possible that my kids don’t play soccer like most of the friends do?. Our answer has always been clear-we are not willing to schedule our time in the summer more than work goes. We refuse to be bound to a schedule at this precious time of year for us. It has some definite cons for our kids, but also has some definite pros. We spend a ton of time together, we get to enjoy the weather together and most our summer are filled with long family dinners, after dinner swims and ice-cream cones. I have no idea if in the future this will be good or bad for my kids long term….but I am listening to my heart  on this one and it is clearly telling me to hold on to those kids for as long as I possibly can.

We just were not made for summer schedules.

And winter hockey? Can’t do it as have 3 avid skiers in this house (plus us more intermediate ones) and our passion for skiing and the cottage outdoes the passion for hockey (secretly I am thrilled!!!!!!)

 So we will have a goalless summer yet again. Part of me feels envious and jealous when I see or read about other families that seem to use this time to accomplish things that I know are important. I feel like maybe my kids will end up not be as well read, or as organized or as high reaching in life. Part of me wishes that my summer was full of goals as the rest of my year is and that my family would embrace this great idea.

There is a part of me that will always be a Tiger Mother-but that makes up likely less than half of me. The French way likely describes me the most. Ritualized, goal oriented but more than anything pleasure and leisure oriented . Grasping onto as much pleasure I can fit into this family for as long as I can (and screaming at them often to just have more fun)!

But part of me also knows that, as the kids get older I need to listen to them more. As I get older I need to listen to myself more and both know that summer goals are just not for us. So those goals for the moments will be neatly written on a to do list for fall and tucked away for another day.

For now we will happily be goal free and bask in the freedom of the next best moment.
Lessening the speed of the other seasons and the expectations too.  Giving our bodies, our souls and our minds a recovery break to be back into full gear for fall!

An Honor and Privilege

Yesterday I got to spend precious time with our kids in varying special capacities and what kept occurring to me all day and evening was what an incredible privilege it feels like to be their Mother and to be on this journey with them.

I had always known that I would find much more joy as kids got older than when they were younger. I love babies. The smell of them. The feel of them, their vulnerability, their smiles, their coos, their open hearts and loveliness.

Then those babies turn into kids and although there are millions of things I love about them I can’t say the kid stage is my favorite (I know lots of years for it not to be my favorite stage!) Don’t get me wrong I still love it but not as good at it in some ways. The fact that little kids need help with homework and baths drains me over the decades..

Now. The stage I have been at in the last couple of years….really, really fuels me. Man alive is intellectually stimulating! There are MANY problems (including alienation, fights, teenage stuff, kids tough, attitude etc..) but it has so many beautiful things too. So many moments of connecting and discussing, so many independent showers and baths, so many wins and falls. I love that they are becoming unique individuals. So different in so many ways. There are no cookie cutter solutions anymore it seems.

This stage is one big puzzle and that part is so much fun for me. Although I hate jigsaw puzzles I do love solving things. Continuously.

Yesterday I got to soak them all in with each one having something special. Before work in the morning we went to Bear’s graduation ceremony at the school and it was an amazing feeling. I loved seeing him hug his favorite teachers with his sweet smiling face and  call them silly things as he accepted his honors “Merci la Belle et la Bête!” he seems to have a nickname for each of his favorites. Adorable.

Then last night his graduation ball-decked out in his cool and fancy clothes, the dance at school, the big party, the midnight swim held at our house with 8 of his friends. He pulling me and his sister up for the last dance as we arrived to pick him up….these memories will last a lifetime for me. I love this child.

During the 3 hr. dance we decided to take Beauty and a friend of her choice and Chase and a friend of his choice to a really nice and fancy restaurant (we never do this) They were both very honored and the friends very appreciative. So the 6 of us had a great dinner on the terrace and the kids seemed impressed that we would spend that money on them. The friends kept trying to pay and we said no way but asked in return that they promise to come swim in pool often and sleepover at our place (and buy me cupcakes sometimes).

It was a truly lovely evening.

I loved watching Chase and his buddy meet us there with their skateboard and scooter and leave us after dinner to hang our for a few more hours in the village. They are at a different stages now-of freedom and independence and my motto will be “catch them as often as I can”. My guy is growing up and by some miracle I seem to be handling this ok. I feel so honored to watch this process unfold. I feel so happy for him that he seems to have found that one friend who is his go to person right now.

And our daughter, her last day of school today, with invitation after invitation for fun stuff and pool parties. Loving every minute of eating treats and soaking in the sun. Hosting her own boy /girl pool party and introducing only the boys to her Dad and me with such pride (who cares about those girls anyways!) She has a wonderful life that girl….and I am happy for her. She is so incredibly different than my sons and I love watching her turn into a little lady. She came for the the pick up at grad dance and you could see how much she wished it was her. While my boys have been slightly slower to grow up..she is on full speed.

So I feel privileged this morning for these children in my life. It felt like an orchestra this week of what I have been trying to conduct my whole life. The kids finishing up school, the parties, the parents and kids (literally dozens and dozen of them) passing through our home every evening enjoying the comfort with our casual and relaxed attitude towards” take what you like and we won’t care much if it is messy”. A bag of chips and some soda is easy to prepare and allows us to see kids and parents often without a big fuss.

I found myself this week guiding my children instead of managing them. Advocating for them, but not leading life for them. Warning them but not deciding for them. Letting go a whole lot more than I was able to last summer and trusting that they would make the right choices.

Bear came through loud and clear last night. Thank you Baby for understanding that including is always better than excluding.

I felt this week like part of a big, big village with so much support and so many networks for both ourselves and our kids. I felt like I could get lost in the love that surrounded us.

I felt proud that in many ways…I contributed to building this. Sometimes fighting hard by myself in many ways. On Purpose. I  was part of giving this to them. It was always my plan..and my dream and I did not lose sight of the fact that we needed a village to raise our children in so many ways and could not be as happy on our own.

A series purposeful actions, deliberateness and vulnerabilities have led me to the place we are now that I feel we are safe and good in..until the next fall.

One Mistake at a time……..