Waiting and Hungry

(written March 18 during My Heartbeat’s surgery)

It’s funny what you notice about yourself when you wait for something. You discover a lot.

Over the last few days I have imagined today in my head quite often and two things come to mind: waiting and affection. Waiting to be held and to hold.

I know I might sound a bit crazy right now-but that is fine. On 3 hrs of sleep at up at 4am and waiting for my Mom while she is in surgery-I feel like I am entitled to be a bit off the wall. If there is an experience that has an ability to render me a bit crazy-this is it.

And no worry my Mom’s surgery is not super serious-she will be fine. When it comes to my Mom however it’s always serious. My love for her is serious business. If you know me at all-you know this fact.

So I start here thinking today since I have plenty of time to do just that, here all alone and by myself, thinking about how interesting the world can turn. It’s ironic that in these last few days and today-in a time of stress I will likely become something I have always wanted to be: more affectionate to some degree.

People probably think I am a very good hugger already and super affectionate in general . However I know I am not. There are a lot of things people think I am good at that I am not. Doesn’t mean I can’t become better does it? And I don’t mean I will just hug anyone either-it’s a very chosen few I am talking about. For me if your emotional and physical self meet-it is a very evolved person in front of you.

I have long history of hugging and not hugging. I sort of like it and I sort of don’t. I have always known it is good for me-but it has always not been super easy either. It’s hard to explain. Hugging and not hugging is often on my radar. The only one who really gets what I am talking about is in surgery right now. She knows.

She has a long history with hugging too.

I also have a long history with doctors and hospitals. A sort of love hate relationship. More hate than love for certain. Hence why I want to be alone now. I don’t talk much while in hospitals. I like silence while I wait. Text is a godsend.

So waiting is interesting. Interesting when we have lots of time on our hands and lots of stress and what we decide to do with it is what is going to make a difference. And in my waiting time I have decided to become more affectionate in a very broad sense of the word. To fully support others and allow myself to be fully supportable by others. The first part is a piece of cake. The second? In progress. Interesting how my previous mentor’s words come so clearly to me at this moment. He also happens or be one of the very best huggers on earth. Coincidence?

Waiting for a call. Waiting for a text. Waiting for a walk, or the rain or the storm. Waiting for the next meal-the next kiss, the next math mark. Waiting for health, or news, or when the next episode of Grey’s Anatomy will play. Waiting to find my sweater, my heart or to hear her voice. Waiting for my nails to grow and my heart to heal. Waiting to awaken and to go to sleep tonight. Waiting.

Waiting for her

Waiting with her

Waiting together. Separate. But always together.

Health. Happiness. Strength. Love. They are yours.Do you hear me? Yes…you most certainly do. Wake up and come back to me safely…

Do it Now. Please?

(Postcript-written Tuesday March 19^th)

Everything is going to be alright. Surgery over and successful. Mom in hospital and was admitted for day and night for pain management. Being discharged in huge snowstorm) this afternoon.

I am so happy. And exhausted. Best energy I have ever spent however.

 

 

 

Sleeping Beauty

There is not much that compares to the anxiety I feel, if I feel that the health or well-being one of my kids or husband are threatened.

Except when it comes to my Mom and her health and wellbeing.

It is all consuming. My love for her is immense. There aren’t many words to describe it really. And Monday she will go into surgery and this makes me feel really nervous. The surgery will be hard and her recovery hard. I will be taking care of her for two days-that will be hard too.

When it comes to her I feel her pain as if it was my own-her stress as if it was my own. Sometimes and often even much more than with my own three kids. And Monday there I will be be waiting in the waiting room alone-as she sleeps.

I have been very very good at controlling my stress and anxiety over this so far, and I continue to do shockingly well still-but for some reason this morning it started getting to me. My stomach hurts, and my head is blurry and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep myself for a long while.

But I know that is no help at all-and not a good idea. I need to be strong and there for my Mom. I need to act like Me.

It pains me to the core to think that my Mom will be recovering alone after the first few days of help. I want a man holding her hand. I want a strong Dad or a Step Dad holding mine.

Anyways-this weighs heavily on my mind and I want Monday to come and go quickly for her. I know it will go very well-I can feel it in my bones. My Mom has a long and healthy life ahead of her.Of that I am certain.

This surgery brings up so many complex feeling for me on so on many levels. Monday will be a difficult day.

Love-prayers and hugs to my beautiful Mama-Bear

 With love forever and a day,

 Your Baby Cheena

OMG!! OMG!! OMG!!

An exact 24 hours after my blog about pill swallowing was written –Chase swallowed a pill 6 times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This calls for a OMFG!!! As one of my BFF’s texted me so sweetly last night.

(and don’t worry these are all sugar pills that we ordered many of from a specialized compound pharmacy so don’t get all granola on me now ok???)

So there I was truly had surrendered and given up completely and was AT PEACE. Did not even mention the incident from the night before at our dinner time. Ordered the sub optimal drug for him and had a long talk with the pharmacy about what to do with a potential 85 yrs. old man who can’t swallow pills one day. (aka good old suppositories!)

Then at dinner I am there eating with the kids and Hubby at work. Chase gets this weird and serious and quiet look on his face and I honestly thought he might be dead or silently choking or in a coma as he is never silent or serious. I ask him what he is doing and he says “just thinking”

Then he quickly leaves the table and pours a glass of milk and tells me he has to go up and swallow a pill. That he can do it.

(Pls note this has happened in various forms almost every day for 6 weeks)

But this time 30 seconds later he SCREAMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And he did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was so in shock he did not even believe it himself and thought pill had fallen in the milk. Kids were all jumping up and down and I was crying and jumping too. He was laughing and almost crying and barely breathing and said he wanted to show us all again. So he tried three times and was unable and started getting anxious again. I reassured him that when you are jumping and not able to breathe and crying and laughing that your throat may not be as relaxed. We closed the door and left and let him do  it again alone and he did it. And then in front of us three times!

 Then he called my Mom and his Dad and shouted his good news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They were estatic!!!

Then he said he was ready for the bigger capsules of sugar we had ordered (best 35$ I have ever spent in my life thanks Mom for the encouragement!) I told him to try next day so he could just stay excited and feel like he succeeded. He refused and swallowed 3 big capsules one after another.

I have a true druggie!!!! Join the family son!!!!:))))

OMG!!! OMFG!

This may not seem like a miracle to you but it is for me.

I could have died when my Mom said on phone to him “Congrats!!! So happy for you!!! Are you still getting the 50$$$????????????”

 

Mom!!! Mom!!! Seriously????????????????????????

So we are on damage control on that one right now and not letting money even enter this ecstatic moment of intrinsic pride for him. He asked for a special chocolates and celebration that night and I told him:

Just enjoy it. Enjoy the pride in and of it my darling boy. Just pride is plenty. You have changed the course of your entire life tonight on so many levels. You will take the med you need now and in the future..but most importantly you overcame what you thought was impossible. YOU did this.

Last night was in my top three favorite days of my life including Getting my Girl…..Bear into Sports Program..and now Prideful Pills Swallower. (Oh ya and my marriage and the three births).

What choked me up the most about this…….was his face. His pride. And knowing that my true and utter and sincere belief in him …has set him free.

And with that I have also found freedom

Tears….:)

 

 

Failure or Success?

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference”

(Serenity prayer)

Since I wrote my post last year that was a big hit “Deserved Chewables” and made a lot of people laugh…things have not moved ahead very far unfortunately in the pill swallowing department.

My 15 year old son still cannot swallow a pillL

My 13 yr. old learnt this year and my 10 yr. old learnt this week, but no success with my 15 yrs. old.

And this poses a very big problem because he needs to start a daily medication for his ADD and the one prescribed needs to be swallowed. We have spent the last 6 weeks doing everything possible to get him to swallow it. He went to my Mom’s for 2 hours and we bought every contraption off the internet to help us. He tried 6 times alone locked in the bathroom filling his mouth up with water first, pushing it to the back off his throat..Everything. Trust me I have read every trick there is on the internet to help him.

We have tried understanding and tough love. Sympathy and bravery. Hugging him and screaming at him. No go.

Last night my husband did something that we would never even dream of doing for ANYTHING. He smacked a 50$ bill in front of Chase and told him if he swallowed it within 15 minutes it was his. Nope.

And the kid is cooperative and motivated. He wants to swallow it desperately. He tried and tried and persevered. He is fully on board. My husband even agrees after the bribery incident and watching the way Chase swallows normal food like yogurt even with difficulty that this is just not going to happen. Not at this phase of his life anyways. And trust me my husband up until now has been pushing and pushing and pushing.

So last night we did something we never ever do. We gave up. When Chases was curled in a ball crying in his bed after feeling spent, humiliated and tired of failing at something he feels he has no control over…we just looked at him and told him it was ok. We told him that we were going to stop trying to force it and find alternate methods. That he would do this if and when he was ready as hard as this will make his life.

And then I did something else I have never done. I left his room with him not being able to speak at all as he was so upset except for two words which I managed to get out of him “I am depressed and I am mad at myself”. And I hugged him and went to watch American Idol.

Later that night I left him a beside note “It will be ok..I promise. I believe in you and I always will”

And somehow I woke up this morning feeling good. And proud. And happy. And when I saw Chases’s face this morning I knew that I chose the right path. He hugged me and smiled at me and we made jokes in the car on the way to school. He openly talked about his “failure” and his crying spell in front of his brother.

We did well.

So yes we will have to live with the consequences and so will Chase.But this time we do not deserve it.

Yes I will have to hear every family member’s opinion and friend’s opinions and the neighbors next door, most saying “just tell him to suck it up and swallow the damn pill-be a man!” and trust me their advice is precious and I have tried that many a time. And yes I will read time after time after time on the internet to keep at it and cut gummy bears in half and swallow whole bananas with pills in the middle. I will suck it up and listen to all of this.

And ignore most of it and follow my heart on this one. And give up.

He will go on the sub optimal drug that can be broken and sprinkled and we will manage with that one. We will try see the positives instead of the negatives and wear our raise colored glasses for a while. I tell myself that since this one is less long acting he will not be “zombie like” by the time I get home for dinner-yay! I wasn’t looking forward to his normal and natural sparkle only showing up when he slept anyways.

And I will feel that I was successful and so was he in to very distinct ways. I was able to know when enough was enough but more importantly to see this child of mine as more adult. This is his problem and not mine. He will have to deal with it in his life and handle it. I have him all the help I had in me and I did my best.

And he succeeds because he truly and utterly and honestly tried his best to overcome this phobia. And despite it all this morning he was able to get up and get dressed and smile and laugh and let life go on.

And this ability in him-and especially him-is something that I admire tremendously. And has taught me something that I will remember as a lesson forever.

Move on. Life is good.

And this time chewable were not deserved but we got them anyway.

 

 

 

Cleaning up Shop

A cottage can get pretty darn messy and dirty after 9 days.

And today in a short 2 hrs with the five us together , we managed to make it sparkle.

I have to say, as much as this surprises me…I like cleaning the cottage with my family..alot. It gives me a huge sense of accomplishment.

I honestly never thought this possible. Keep in mind me and my BFF in high school got fired on our first day of the job at 15yrs old as “cleaning ladies”.  Honestly had no clue how to mop a floor. She has no idea how to vacuum. That’s a bit of a problem when a lady leaves her house for 8 hrs and expects to come home to a clean one. There is only so much dusting one can do.

And I have to admit I still don’t really mop floors very often. Kind of like the gas thing. I just never learnt properly nor feel especially inclined to want to learn.

And then my first job out of University was a good one and I could afford a cleaning lady and have had one ever since. I know it sounds crazy  but even when my kids barfed all over our floors I somehow managed to delegate this to my husband!

See how honest I am???

So I have always felt some guilt that my kids don’t do mopping and cleaning toilets in the city because we have always had a cleaning lady. They do tons and tons of other chores but not the big stuff. Clearly this is where my own parents went wrong and I did not want to make the same mistake with my own kids. I did not set out to raise spoiled brats now did I?

So I decided to make them clean lots and lots at the cottage-all of us! Heavy cleaning. Real cleaning. I still don’t mop floors as we have hard wood and vacuum them..but I do plenty of other stuff. My kids are amazing vacumers, bathroom cleaners, dusters, organizers etc…

We left the cottage so pretty and tidy and clean and then came back to the city and unpacked everything here and organized it all and made dinner and cleaned up after it. Two out of three even mentioned that it was a great teamwork day. I think aliens have inhabited all of our bodies!

So all that to say cleaning up was fun. Especially together. And it made us all feel close and connected and accomplished. We ate our homemade vegetable soup at the counter at the cottage today for lunch with baguette and homemade creton and a candle and recounted our favorite days of our holidays. We then took our last family Jacuzzi of the week and watched a bunch of our family baby videos and laughed out loud at how cute and little those kids were.

Tonight we had spaghetti and arugula parmesan salad and sat and talked about our favorite meals on vacation. Most cooked by our amazing personal chef-good old DadJ

It was a wonderful, wonderful week. I could not have asked for nicer kids this week, nicer weather, better skiing conditions, or more family fun. The team work and sparkling house was just icing on the cake.

And as I sat there looking at the clean counters and floors and smelling the lemony fresh of the clean sinks….I realized with both a sadness a certainty that Spring Breaks like this are going to end one day soon. I will have two more march breaks with a son in high school and after that he will be in college. My middle son is planning to climb mount Kilimanjaro for school in Sec 4 (if he is selected) and that would mean only two more march breaks for him too as they train for 2 years and use those 2 weeks off school to do so.

So it made me feel lots of things to have this realization. Mostly longing. Sadness. And also pride. Pride of coming so far. Missing them soon, but also excited in some ways for the years ahead. I had my kids so young I still have a lifetime out there for myself. A whole life ahead of me waiting to be unwrapped. Weird to think about but true.

But mostly my thoughts were on today and now and knowing with certainty that I will also try my damn hardest to make every moment count. Like we did this week. Like we will do another week and another one again.

Family is life’s greatest and most precious gift. And above anything else in my life it will always be the place that I feel I should at the end of my life looking back..feel most proud of. And intend to

And PS the washing machine still remains the best place to hide a gift for me as very unlikely I will find it anytime soon as I try to avoid cleaning machines as much as possibleJ

 

 

What is Different?

Moments of sun shining upon your cheeks as you look up toward the sky at a picnic table during two ski competitions

Noticing your kids across the waterpark noticing you noticing them

A walk to the beautiful stream without a picture

A long telephone conversation with your Mom curled up on your favorite cushy chair looking at the snowflakes falling

Listening to the kids and their conversations in the car and which girls and boy they like

Letting your mind wander to where it needs to go

Sleeping in until 9:55am.

Reading a great book as you wake up

Hardly a video or a picture-enjoying moments in the present tense

Going to the grocery store for that day's meal in particular

Blogging when you feel like it

Making time for family moments every day that create memories

Not being aware of what is going wrong or right in your friend’s lives

Making homemade soup and freezing some for your Mom’s upcoming surgery

Looking through Avon catalogues and ordering cheap lipsticks

Taking long showers and using your travel conditioners to remind you of the beach

Washing your hair to a silky shine everyday.

Taking time to figure out what is wrong –or right

Dreaming into the future

Accepting change and adapting well

Playing it by ear

Planning to sell your home in 10 years

Waiting for her slow smile

Reading his texts and laughing to you how cute they are

Dreaming of his future

Not knowing who your news boss will be

Not knowing if your bonus went into your account

Having no clue who sent you what dumb joke

Looking outside towards nature

Not knowing how much the renovations will cost

Not caring

Giving them this time for them

Giving you this time for you

Cherishing the beauty of not knowing and not caring

Carefully remaining in the dark

What is missing? Have you guessed me yet?

It is being on vacation at the cottage for a week and not checking business or personal email not even once until the very last day before it all ends and reality sets back it. For both of us. A pact. A promise we made and kept.

Hard, Difficult habit to break. It has been heavenly

Don’t worry reality waits around the corner ready to take hold of us again soon

Tonight is our last night to have not a worry in the world

We will soak in every last precious moment.

 

This Wonderful and Crazy Stage

I am sure that you notice on my blog that I often refer to this stage of my life as different and unique from other stages I have passed through as a parent. Often I actually wake up in the night and think”I have a 15 yr old??? How did that happen? I am just a baby myself!!!!”

And being a Mom to a 15, 13 and 11 yrs. old is a very unique stage of life. The boys are both teens and my girl being the last of three has approached teen hood earlier than the boys. She is more advanced than they were at her age. I consider that so far I have one real teen, one young teen and one tween. In a few years, I will be fully at the teen stage and for now I am part way there I am guessing. I am certian there is a lot ahead for me to still discover.

And it really is a distinct stage. Newborns were a distinct stage for me and so were toddlers when they learnt to walk and crawl. Then as they started grade 1 and were true school age. But between those phases….it was not as particular and memorable for me as it is now. When they turn 11-13 (it hits at different time for each kid) everything changes as far as I am concerned.

I have to say all in all I adore being a Mom to tweens and teens. To me so far it is probably the stage I get the most joy out of besides maybe little tiny babies. I always knew I would be good at this stage because I am better emotionally than I am physically. I did not love running after kids running into the road or toilet training or reading fairy-tales over and over. However I love analysing my kids, being in sync with them, helping them get it right and handing down values. And I love the feeling of emotional connection we have now. I am good at solving problems and they are good at bringing them my way! Having teens is like having complex, intricate problems to help solve day after day and this is right up my alley although thoroughly exhausting.

I love watching my 15 yrs. old grow and change and develop. It is such a privilege. And handing him more and more responsibility each day. I love watching him succeed and fail (I never thought I would get through this point but I am inching my way here!) He and I have a wonderful and loving bond. A unique and cherished relationship. He confides in me, relies on me and respects me. I adore this child and always have.

He also makes me crazy. He drives me nuts. Makes me worry all day and night and completely lose control (not in a good way) often.

My 13 yr old is also wonderfully connected and open for a boy his age. He is affectionate, caring, open, confides in us a whole bunch of things. He is bright, curious and driven. He and I have gotten super super close in the last couple of years especially as we worked out conflict between us and how to deal with it. We have very different personalities but connect in such close and cherished ways. He has always been the one I picture taking care of us when we are old (I won’t let him). He will be the one that keeps the closeness and traditions and the family bonded.

He also drives me bonkers and his head is as hard as a rock. Living with him is often an infuriating experience as he is always right in his mind.

My 11 yrs. old is the most complex of the three. She can be the sweetest, most caring most wonderful person and then she can quickly turn on you and push you away. She can be very distant. We have always been working on this and it comes back just as we seem to solve the puzzle. It may also be a girl thing as she is Daddy’s little girl which leaves me out of the loop and love often. She idolizes her Dad and if she even hears anyone saying he will get old one day she covers her ears and screams “No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I always thought I would be closer to a girl then boys but with her she naturally veers towards her Dad. We love each other a ton and share so much happiness together but I haven’t got that “total click” with her (yet) that came so naturally with the boys and I am very motivated to get it fully soon. I have not fully figured her out in the way I have my boys and I certainly intend too. She is a beautiful, sweet complex girl and I look forward to the challenge of accessing her unique and wonderful personality fully. Don’t get me wrong ..we are super close…..she tells me everything and we have a great relationship..I just know that there is way more ahead for us. Also my expectations are high-I speak to my own Mother everyday or more and that is not often enough for me!!!!!

With my daughter it is also that in some ways she was brought up differently. Less structure and discipline with her as the last of three with two tired parents by the time she came around. I am certain this has had an effect…a post for another time. But I am only really realizing this now and coming on strong with the structure and the discipline that I realize has really benefitted the boys. Even the boys comment all the time “Mom! Put her on a time out! Do something!” It proves to me 100% that discipline and structure =security and ease.

It makes me sad to think that I did not give my daughter the pleasure of enough times outs,enough discipline, enough structure that she likely craved and needed. Kids who don’t get this often interpret it as a lack of love L((((  (she got a lot don’t get me wrong but not at the level of her two older brothers with 99% consistency and effort)…and that is not fair.

So on teens and tweens I find them unbelievable creatures and I love having them around. Don’t let anyone tell you to dread these years…they are amazing. And equally scary and worrisome and complex and crazy. Just like real life-a series of ups and down and twists and turns.

And the biggest advice I can give you???? Set the stage early for this difficult stage of development. Get your act together and your energy together well ahead when they are little and pay attention, teach them well, spend time on them, and provide them the structure and discipline that all kids crave. Close and connected is only one part of the game-these kids look up to you and need your wisdom, your warnings and to lead them though life. They are counting on you and serve them well.

Trust me I know. Now that I have kids this age I can see where I succeeded and see where I went wrong and I can see the impact and effects on them. And it is never ever too late to change dynamics with a child or relationships but much harder when you and your kid are in a set pattern. It is certainly achievable at later ages but will demand a lot more of you and your child.

And never ever think that providing structure and strictness and discipline to a child is harming them. It is the exact opposite-not providing it they will perceive as a lack of attention and love. I have seen it time and time and time again. Over and over and over in other families and in my own. What you do in the early years is directly linked to the tween and teen years. So plan it out and think longer term and you will all win.

Seriously..I promise.