Hanging in There-A Concerta Update

It has been months of transition for us at home on so many levels. The move to the new office the biggest and most obvious one. However many other important things have been going on. Firstly, I can honestly say all three of my kids are almost unrecognizable in looks and character. They are all totally growing up..alot. New stages in everything for all three. Having kids so close together-they all grow up together. Having one delayed puberty-one on target and one advanced, equals a whole bunch of hormones going on at the same time-and mostly in a good way. I adore this stage so far..although admit it comes with challenges. This is definitely my zone.

Concerta? Hmm….tough one. Overall one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in my life so far about my kids. I don’t think anyone who has not had to face the decision of medicating a child or not would fully understand. It was tough one and one so important and I knew that it would affect the course of his life. That’s a big big responsibility and it is a heavy medication. Not like an Advil at all.

I have been through many feeling so far over last 3.5 weeks but mostly that we did the right thing. And as I see the changes it is 100% evident to me and my husband that our child has a serious case of ADD that was not treated for many years and not picked up fully by us. That in itself comes with a whole lot of guilt.

In many ways this has been like giving a blind child glasses. In other ways it has altered him in ways I do not like (increased anger and irritability along with the increase in focus). At first I felt like I lost my son in many ways both to the medication and the world. I missed who he was at dinner time-I missed him wanting to be with us at dinnertime.

I have seen results so far on the positive end. A few better marks and tons and tons more ability for studying. No complaints of chatting and talking and disrupting in class. Ability to actually complete a simple but focused task at home. The willingness to try things he has never done before (at 15.5 these new things can be scary however!!)

And overall over the last week things have evened out. His normal personality is starting to show again along with the benefits of the meds. He is coming back to us as his body adjusts. And we will have to go through this all again as next week I am almost certain they will increase dosage as he is on the lowest possible dose which is what 6 yrs. old stay on. We may even have to go through again in another 5 weeks when he has another follow up. It is a tricky med to get right in terms of dosage.

I have felt many things. His brother and sister have felt many things. His Dad has felt many things. And HE has felt many things. And in the end it is HIM I need to think about.

I see an increased self-confidence and self-assurance. I see pride and determination as it relates academically-something that was there in little bits before and now I see he cares a lot. I see a boy growing up into a man before my eyes. As if this process is freeing him up and the energy he used to need to just survive and focus in a day is being used for girls, and friends and some rebelling too. I can see my son pulling away, as teenagers do, where before he and we sought comfort in him staying nearby.

And Concerta has done many things so far and has both pleased and disappointed me on various levels as we live this complex process…..but mostly:

I know I have done what any good Mother does and am giving my son a gift and a chance and in that process I am setting him free. From himself in some ways and from us. Part of me wants to selfishly cry out “Come back little one!!!!” But most of me understand that this gift is his-for his life. And it will be he who ultimately decides if this medications works for him.

Concerta for me is like the finale in the orchestra. It’s the final thread of me coming complete with my son’s incredible and obvious capability. My baby all grown up and managing big decisions and medications now. Deciding if his body needs it and exploring the reactions. Managing his life and his process. Coming to terms with his difficulties on his own and testing out what works.

This medication is a symbol of where I am at right now in my own life and as Mother. Worried and anxious but silent. Involved but also on the sidelines. Obsessed but also letting go. Waiting between breaths and relaxing and letting the process run its course. Loving but letting go. Being less in control and more of a coach.

With Concerta. With my sons. With ADD. With my beautiful and blooming daughter. With my husband’s office. With my marriage. With my friends. With my life.Learning a new way that is actually becoming the new me now and indulging in this change and exploration.

Concerta was a wonderful decision so far; and one I am extremely proud of. I researched it fully, cried my heart out, made very educated decisions and now am managaing to keep myself together as we explore this life changing drug together as a family.

And most importantly leaving it in the hands of my very capable son to decide if it is in fact good for him. And trusting that he will make the right decison for himself and supporting him whichever way it goes.

 

 

Boy Troubles

 

“Mom I can’t go to my science tutor tomorrow afterschool”

Why not?

“I just can’t. I don’t want to”

You don’t want too???? You are failing science! We just changed tutors as you begged me telling me this girl has helped you so much and is great! You got your first good mark in science last week after she helped you last week! Have you gone mad??

“I can’t go!”

Why the hell not????

“Because my science test is on the penis”

(laugh laugh laugh from all of us)

“I can’t get quizzed by a girl in Sec 5 on the penis”

Hmm….what to do..?

“You need to go anyways (laughter) It will be hilarious!”

“Ok mom..can you send her a text in advance and warn her about the penis quizzing?”

Sure sweetie anything for youJ

My Gems

I have been doing a huge Spring Cleaning of my house over the last couple of weeks (like the rest of the world I imagine?)

It is an interesting process to look at all the junk and gems that have been collected over the years and decide if it stays, goes or is given away. Through this process, I have bonded and reconnected with many things. Gifts given to me by my Mom, letters from friends, all the pictures we have lovingly took, jewellery given to my daughter on her baptism and given to me on my honeymoon. A lot of it has touched me.

However none of it compares to the feeling of going through books for me. It was one of the first times that I really went through my book collection one by one. Reminiscing about the many wonderful moments they have all brought me. Thinking back to those times in my life when I needed that specific book and how much further it took me along in life to have read it.

There are very few things in life that I have more gratitude for in life than books.

They are with me through relationships, relaxation, through sadness, when I need to get away. They have helped me grow and change and learn. They are my best friend in many ways and I rely on them when I am in need, or to transport me to a new and magical place. I can honestly say that most of what I do well as a parent or person was taught to me by books somehow. Many, many many books.

I involved my daughter on Sunday for a good half of the day to help me sort out books. I used it as a bonding time to really pass down this love of mine. She is not a book worm (yet) but has an appreciation of reading is how I would define it. She is curious. We created a shelf for her where we put all the books I would love her to read from now until 20 yrs old on it. I explained why I loved each book and what it brought me. She is super attracted to anything about murder or kidnapping it seems! No Anne of Green Gables in this one!

As we sorted and carried, and filed and discussed, she looked at me and said “It is impossible Mommy that you have read all of these books” It is not impossible. The truth is that I have read triple what she saw, as many at work and borrowed or at cottage or given away. Probably more than triple.

(I can feel right now my Dad in his grave smiling and smiling and smiling)

I grew up in a home of books. We had an entire forth level  of the house devoted as a library! I hated  most the books we had….nothing much that interested me at that age, but it somehow I guess sparked a true love of reading in my life. And I am forever grateful for this.

I feel about reading how many feel about cooking (aka: how can you not like to read??????????”) I don’t get it. To me it is oxygen. In any given week I have one fiction book, one parenting book and one business/self help book being read at least. I adore it. Once I forgot my book for a business trip and the airport store was closed..and this is not a joke-I cried most of the flight to where I was going very silently and discreetly. Somehow I knew German books would not to it for me once I reached my destination. I could not beleive I would go a week without a book. Especially when I had all my evenings free to read. Depressing.

Another not joke: When I travel for pleasure I  pack an entire carry on suitcase with books -like 15-20 for 2 weeks. I refuse to put them in regualr luggage in case it gets lost. Clearly my prioriies are books and not lingerie, running shoes or clothes! My husband has nearly begged me to read on an IPad but I refuse.

I went to the gym yesterday and there is a member’s exchange library there and it says take as many as you want! So I took 10 and everyone was looking at me funny!

All that to say I love my books. I lend them to many but give none of the good ones away. I fold pages down and spill juice on them, I eat muffins over them and have had nose bleeds on them. They come with me anywhere and everywhere I go.

I would rather die than read a book on an I pad or Kindle.

Books don’t make me fall asleep they keep me awake

I feel I would be so much more behind in my life if it has not been for the precious books I read

I wish wish wish my kids could love reading (very unlikely at this point they will change as much as I have tried)

I created many spaces in my house to contain these precious books

As long as the world has books I will find a place to be happy in it

I would take books over shoes or purses any day

After such a sucky day yesterday...I am comforted to know that books are still around, normal and there for me.

I simply and plainly adore books.

Maybe I should learn to cook a lasagna instead of reading so much? Balance right??

Overwhelmed and Pissed Off

If you are in a good mood right now-you may want to stop reading this blog.

This day is crap and so was yesterday. I cancelled pretty much everything I had today to just wallow in my own resentment, anger and bitterness. Nothing specific just a bunch of crap that adds up over time and then spills over.

Mainly I am tired of dealing with the same type of crap over and over and over again.

My husband really, really, really does not do well with change and transition. That is a fact; he is the first to admit this so no offense or surprise to him. So when change occurs-the world tumbles down. No matter what I do or what I try it does not make a difference. Ever.

Let’s try a different strategy of support-Tarina will focus on her own stuff for the next two weeks entirely and stay silent and away. Hopefully this has better success in showing partnership and support. I have never  used distance and alientation as a means of supporting someone but maybe I will try this now.

Today is just a bad day. Every blog I have read this morning annoyed me. The stupid emails I am getting in my inbox are angering me-but I know deserved as luck is not drawn to people who are mean and bitter. The 17 page document of sports equipment I have to go buy or rent for my son to go sleep on top of a mountain in a tent for three days in the USA is infuriating me.  The woman at the gym who goes 5 times a week and seems to be getting fatter by the day is making me insane. And the car we just got washed that is now full of bird crap from our big oak tree is really grating my nerves.

Today was supposed to be a brighter day. It really isn’t.

Yup sometimes a lesson hits you good and plainly in the face doesn’t it? It’s time for me to shift gears. Change strategies. Stop doing the same things I do that don’t have success.

I think it may be time to plain old give up in some areas of my life. Hopelessness has a friend today. It has reared it’s ugly head before and it will again.

And even when I am this pissed at least I can say I am authentic. Even if most of you would prefer I wasn’t?

PS-I will be back.

PSS-sorry for references to swearing and swearing in last couple of days. As my friend and I (now in Swiss share) when you have days like this nothing in the world feels better than a good swear session. I am glad my kids don’t take an active enough interest in my life to read this.

PSSS-  I generally try to be a pleasant role model for my kids and a good citizen

Teaming Together

I am finally starting to understand why  companies when they want you to grow as a team have you do really mundane things like washing floors and picking up sticks for charity. I think there is something in the boringness that bonds people…something in the annoyances of it all that brings resistant people together (those who are actually present and remain for the activity anyways)

I tried to build this at home this weekend. Aiming high for a jovial climate and a feeling of belonging and inclusiveness in our family around Hubbys new office. Tried is the major word you need to understand here.

I ended up succeeding this weekend-but trust me the road was long and rocky. I read a post in a fave blog the other day that once again solidified to me how important it is for readers to get a true sense of the life we are posting about. This woman wrote how one of her best friends said to her when she was complaining about her teens” By reading your blog you would never ever know this” Plain sad in my opinion. What is the point of great record keeping if you leave out your worries, concerns, sadness and anxiety?? How real is that? Doesn’t authenticity count for something? She defended herself by saying she never wanted to “incriminate” her teens on her blog. Does making mistakes and being human warrant incrimination??? Poor soul..I feel sad for her she feels the need to feel so perfect.

Most of us (me included) go to her blog because it is fairy-tale like and fictitious. All the stuff occurs-she just leaves out anything nasty, bad, mean or anxiety provoking in raising 5 kids!! It’s a serious break from our own lives and crises!

So I created a team yesterday in my home. 27,500 deeds (aka huge files) were delivered to our garage on Friday. And 150,000 lbs of filing cabinets. Yes. Yes. Yes, All the files needed to be put into the cabinets in numerical order and under lock and key. They needed to get into these safes asap to be protected by water, fire and sunlight. I am serious here. Big huge and important job.

So I assembled a team! My three kids! I managed them and myself focused on  spring cleaning every corner of my house.  Being a Manager rocks. At first they were super excited “I get to be a secretary!” “I want to be a notary one day it is so cool!”

That lasted 5 mins.

The boys who were the heavy hands and strength in this massive task started carrying and moving  what seemed liked hundreds of crates near the cabinets they belonged too. They were amazing and working as a team! Until they somehow ended up in my driveway screaming and beating each other up!!!

What I hate about spring and summer is how my neighbors have to hear me screaming and swearing at my kids so often. Winter is better for privacy. Even if I bring the kids inside them windows are still open and I have loud voice when I am ready to kill them!

So of course I threatened them, screamed at them and made them feel like crap for not supporting their own dad. That helped a lot. Guilt works with my kids especially when administered in hysteric tones.

Then my daughter who was super excited all week to play secretary got her turn and everything was so heavy and cumbersome that she worked for an hour by herself but cried the whole time because all this physical work made her dizzy. I just let her cry. At least the work was being done! (I understood too as I felt like crying scrubbing toys at an old smelly daycare last year for charity day of my company but was too proud to cry)

Anyways it all got a lot better.Oh no it did not ..there was more wait.

 

Then Chase flat out refused to interrupt his homework (Concerta focus!!!!) to come down and help again. He just said “No”. He also refused to come to the picnic lunch at the new office. Again he just said “No”. I tried to wrack my brain and remember from the 750 parenting teen books  I seem to have read what to do in such a situation? I could not remember. I was too furious for thought.

So I just did what came intuitively and naturally to me. I called him out and started screaming really loud in his face with a lot of swears words a teen his age can relate to. I frothed at the mouth for effect (for real). That’s seemed to be super effective! The rest of the day he was an angel!

(yes yes I do a lot of parenting coaching and I am actually pretty good when advising others. Please come back soon?)

The rest of the day went super smoothly! Teamwork was built! A bit like Survivor where it takes a little time to bond and get it right but then everyone is all buddy buddy and lives happily ever after!!!

We made a beautiful picnic lunch and all took it over to the new office and actually ate outside on the patio furniture that will be there permanently. Hubby and his team worked so hard and are still working so hard and we thought they needed a nice lunch break. It was so nice to get to know them better and eat with them.

But why oh why did those two skinnies not eat the chips and cupcakes? What is happening here? I have to admit it was a bit odd to see my husband under the table lying down with his office manager but hey that is what needs to be done if a screw is loose right?

It was strange to see the deep comraderie among my hubby and his girls at work. Felt a bit odd but I was super happy for him and them. They have a great team and I am glad for the teamwork (without the yelling and swearing) he has created over the years. I was proud of Hubby and I that we both are secure enough in our marriage to allow for the friendships with the opposite sex and feel happy for each other because of it. His colleagues are his cherished relationships and so are my male colleagues for me; they all enrich our lives and our hearts in a special way. I was happy to be included in his team today and for the kids to feel part of it all.

All part of my master plan of teamwork!

The afternoon was a piece of cake. My kids felt scared and threatened enough to complete the job in record time in our garage. We did not think this humanly possible. They even  threw in a freebie of cleaning the basement and helping me bring down all the bags of clothes to give away from the closet. They managed to get along, help each other out and not kill eachother. They even made a few jokes along the way.

I considered this an excellent day.

I could have just written this blog and told about how at 5:30pm as their Dad came home exhausted but face beaming of pride for their hard works and hugging them delighted me. I could have included the toast we did on the balcony in the sun with the special soft drinks (and martinis I)  to recognize all this work. I could have talked about how accomplished I felt for putting together such a team and succeeding at such a task.

I could tell you how sweet my kids are and are cooking us a fancy dinner tonight as we are cashing in our traditional Christmas coupon where they kids plan and buy food and cook for us once a year.

But..that is only part of the story isn’t it? An important part..a true part..and authentic part. A heartwarming part. But to get there is a lot behind the scenes..a lot of nagging..and management.

But that is what I want to record. Both. This is not a blog to impress you. Or a blog for me to look back on and remember only the good moments. I want to remember it all.

I want to remember real life. All of it. In it’s splendor.

This beautiful chaotic orchestra I feel I have had a lot to do in creating. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. And hopefully something in the way I handle it or don’t handle it-will inspire you…to even when the going gets tough- to stick with it all….hang in there…..and calm down enough to keep your focus.

To have 27, 500 deeds neatly tucked away into their fireproof vaults by three children who managed to get it together enough to have a day where they came out feeling proud, rewarded, included and part of this big and important project. Where they each said something at the office picnic that made me realize I had achieved my goal despite the wrestling, attacks and hositility. I translate from French to English:

Child 3 “I am going to sweep up a bit the parking lot as looks a little messy”

Child 2-“I still can’t believe this belongs to us” (said to his Dad’s staff who have been working away for months trying to get it all organized and ready and who responded “Yours?? It’s OURS!!!”

Child 3-Dad can you take a look at your agenda? I want to come and eat lunch with you. Thursday good?…and then we can go across the street for an icecream together. You can pay”

Every single nasty moment was worth this. All of it. Gold. Music to my tired ears. Oxygen to my exhausted screaming mouth. And above all joy and contentment to my happy heart overflowing with pride and love for my family and the team we have created.

This day and everyday.

Passion Figured Out?

In my favorite course ever ,which because I manage it, I got to attend part of it once again this week… I learned something very important.

There is always one particular thing in any course that sticks with me and that I take with me forever.

This one was when my colleague discussed a concept after we watched a movie on the life of tennis champion Roger Federer. No matter how many times I watch this movie..I am touched to the point of tears. Just from the perspective of how high performing he is and the mental ability it takes to win match after match after match. So touching and powerful to analyze (which we do in this course) what it takes exactly to achieve this level of high performance. And to sustain it.

And today we learned something new

True Passion always has an element of pain and suffering.

That actually the German translation of the English word “Passion” actually contains the word “Suffering” in it. I loved this.

I don’t know why exactly it just really resonated for me.

I have always been a very driven person..driven in many directions. Driven very extensively and sometimes even obsessively to develop myself and change, and aim higher and further. But it is rarely a peaceful state. It comes with lots of hurt, and pain and suffering to keep moving and moving to where I want to be as a person and where I want to be in my life in general. There always seem to lack an element of peace and joy until much more recently. It is not relaxing at all-although very rewarding.

And I have always wondered if there is something wrong with me in this respect? Is this normal?

But today I realized that passion of any sort..true passion and commitment is laced with suffering and self analysis. The most passionate of people who have the ability to really share their passions and make a difference do not wear rose colored glasses and sit in the small box of their own contentment for very long. 
Additionally, you can literally not get from point a to point b and c if you do not go backward before moving forwards and that step back goes a long way in self-development. And it is one that many preople are more than willing to leave out on their journeys. The journeys of their childhood; where most of both our passions and pain begun and carved us into the people we are today. Do you have the courage to go there?

Federer has his turn when his beloved coach of many years died in a tragic accident at the age of 32. That is when the tennis pro really came alive and began to feel passion, and pain and take him to the next level of his sport .To explore his own childhood, and face his demons…is when he became a true success.

And I loved the look on his face at every win, every trophy won. The look of pure passion, and suffering and pleasure. It is what I will always aim for. That look he has on his face is tantalizing and remarkable. Authenticity at it's core.

And now I know it is normal. That I am normal. That I feel many many things. And this will also be the propeller to doing many many things one day in the future. This ability for joy and for sadness is ultimately what will help me one day in my endeavors

I allow myself the gift of feeling fully and wholly now. This has been a long long journey for me of coming complete, or forgiving, of being forgiven and of mapping out the life I want to have with the people I want around me. I continue down this journey every single day. Still.

And I realized this week that a true passion of mine and one I hope to play out over the next decade is so teach others in a big way (vs a more 1-1 or small course style) to access the best parts of themselves and to most importantly share those parts. As mothers, as wives, as husbands, as friends, as fathers . As neighbors and colleagues and nieces. To access the best parts of ourselves through our own vulnerability and authenticity. To come to a place where we are able to both give and receive what was always meant for us. To make decisosn in our lives that nurture and sustain these elements.


Passion and Pain. It's all part of the package of life isn't it?

A New Home for Him

It's a beginning today

And integration of work and life.. For him.. For us.. For our family

 

Feels like a new home. So cozy. Exactly how it should feel . Stopping by in morning and checking up on it before night.Bikes rides, candy jars and village pizza brought in. Ice cream cones around the corner His exhaustion, his stress , his anticipation and excitement. His anxiety and his worry .

 

Nothing compares to the strong look of pride that occurs for him. I can feel it. In the end he knows he did this And this is amazing It is a dream come true It has been waiting for him for a long long time The pride of ownership and of creation.Of bringing a dream to life though challenge and obstacles.May not be an investment in money .. Or maybe it is? The future will tell. What is an investment anyways?

It will be an investment in happiness I believe and I think he does too. It will change him and thank him for all the hard work he has done over 30 yrs. The commitment, the loyalty the competency, the expertise. All at such an incredibly young age . He deserves a warm and cozy office-worked his ass off since 20 yrs old!

 

We are scared . He is. I am. Today I feel completely overwhelmed by the storage my garage is being used as for thousands and thousands and thousands of files. I feel overwhelmed by the bigness of this all. I cannot even imagine how he feels!

 

We had a cozy cushy life and once again we shook it all up. It’s hard not to ask ourselves why sometimes? But we know exactly why. We are visionaries..and strategists don’t stay in the same spot as much as they wish they would want to.

 

Change is extremely hard for us. Extremely. We are so not good at it-but smart enough to know to do it anyways even if it is hard, and painful and exhausting. We know that you cannot have pleasure without pain really in the end.

And soon enough the change will be done as the transition over…The Lake will welcome him, the golf course will call to him, the sunlight will sit on him. And clients will walk through his new door

The community will be surprised by him and re sandwiches will delight him. He will sit outside everyday at lunch on the terrace that feels like home and pretend he is at home hopefully with a coffee and the paper. While sustaining his successful law practice.

A part of me misses him. I have seen him change already. Open himself up.

 

Today as I bring his staff gifts of massages at the spa right next door and cupcakes from the place 2 mins away, I feel so much: poor scared excited and in transition But mostly I feel proud of my guy who had a dream and a vision and brought it to life on his own. Mostly without bossy me .And proud of me for helping to make it happen and letting go. Of standing back and letting him take the space he deserves. It is his place and his dream. He claimed it .

 For us houses and offices and cottages represent many many things. They are not walls-they are complex intricacies, and feelings and decisions and hope and vision wrapped up in the form of walls and doors.

A new chapter begins today.