New Beginnings?

It’s not every day that you are given the chance to start right over.

I mean we all have that chance don’t we every minute and every second of the day, if we really want….but how many of us actually do that really?

But then sometimes life steps in and gives you a reason to begin again. Some call it crisis, others bad luck. Other good luck and others opportunity.

I call it Life.

 And what you do with it and how you see it are entirely up to you.

 

Well for today anyways I am letting joy and peace in. Un- abandoned innocence and happiness. With no fear allowed.Just letting those new beginnings wash all over me…like a brand new body wash flavour.

Understanding that new beginnings mean lots of endings too.

Understanding that new beginnings have honeymoon periods.

Understanding that new beginnings are far more complicated than they feel at this moment.

But having the faith that what I can feel today…I can also possibly feel other days of the year too. One day at a time. Une Journee a la fois.

 

And making decisions in my head for today too..Things that won’t go on list as they won’t need to. Just things I know for sure.

Have I ever really let myself know anything for sure that I did not plan out?

Like that walking to work would be good for the soul

Or that having toast with bananas cut up in the morning is a good thing

Or that cup of tea before bedtime could change a life

Or that an elastic band around a wrist could be almost part of the body

Or knowing now full well that I am not comfortable reading my kids texts every few weeks (unless I would suspect an urgent issue). It for me is not an infringement on their privacy..but on their process..and mine. It’s just not who I am anymore. I have grown into someone different. I can't wait for our kids to meet us.

 

And that I love hugging

Ad that we both need a lot of tenderness right now from each other and from the world.

For today..and probably tomorrow …my mind stops at Joy.

And Joy? even for an hour, a minute , a day........is what I need.

Thank you. Thank you. For even just this one day.

 

 

And So Today

I left work for 30 minutes right in the middle of the morning..and I went back to drive by my childhood home. And then I went by the lake right beside that home where we let my Father’s ashes blow to the wind a couple of years ago.

And out loud I said a prayer by that lake.. To my Dad.

 

And I asked my Father who has passed away to help me now. That was something I had never done in my life while he was alive..not to tie a shoelace..not to make me a bowl of chicken soup when I was sick, not to help with homework,  not to pick up a fallen  scarf that I dropped,  not to make me dinner or a snack , not to wake me up in the morning, not to drive me to a freinds home, not to recommend a book, a friend, a movie or a career.

I decided it was time that he helped me now.

It was time to ask for what I rightfully deserve.

 

So I looked up to the sky and down to the lake and asked to mainly be released…from me. From the huge weight of emotional responsibility that I have created and  feel I carry for those around me I love. I asked him to give the people around me strength to make good decisions for themselves from this point on.

I thanked him and said goodbye. Knowing that he would never refuse what I am asking him since I have never asked him for anything else. If he heard me-and I bet he has been listening-I bet he will help me out. Just  this once. He has probably been waiting all his life for me to need him.

 

I need him today.I need him in his death

 

And so then I went back to work. And I created presentations and made big decisions.  I went home and locked up what was there.

 

And then I left work and drove to a place far far away.

A place that seemed so distant a few weeks ago but now seem nearer.

And I drove and I drove.

Because really….it is now time to say hello.

And Hello is what I have to offer.

Bodywash Galore

I have gone a little crazy with my selections of bodywashes lately. I counted this morning and have a choice of 15 flavors now. And each morning I select one that will reflect what the day represents or what I want or need the day to be.

It’s actually pretty hilarious at this point.

 

Monday- I smelt liked a cupcake because I was a bit down

 

Tuesday-Beaurtiful flavor bc I was thinking of my husband

 

Wednesday-lime because I like lime

 

Thursday-Raspberry because it reminded me of a good vacation

 

Friday-a cupcake again because I was hungry for one

 

Saturday and Sunday-coconut vanilla which I hate the smell of but reminding me to go out of my comfort zone and do something new

 

Monday-Lemon meringue pie because I was meeting a friend who reminded me of a doll’s hair I has that smelled lemon when I was a kid and I had to rememeber to be softer and kinder and listen well

 

And it goes on and on and on. I rarely use my mint one anymore to remind me to be ‘on and smart and minty” because that part seems to come very naturally

 

Then I have my three fave perfumes:

 

Anais Anais-for innocence and childhood (still my fave)

 

Knowing: This one I wear most often to make sure e”I am in the know”. Has been my good luck charm for years now..never failed.

 

Romance-for those days when you want to be especially charming and pretty

 

Another one forget name –husband told me to wear as smells like his secretary??? Ok whatever. At this point I don’t even care. Minor detail. But I seldom wear it-too weird.

 

So I have to admit I am always a little surprised  (and sad) when people in the hallways at work don’t stop and aay”You smell as sweet as a cupcake!!” or "wow you are especially out of your comfort zone today with that vanilla on!"

 

At least I know that I smell delicious. Delicious for me myself and I to enjoy.

Me Myself and I.

For a variety of many different reasons, I have had to depend on me myself and I in the last few weeks. Only me. Besides lots of talks and texts and a couple of social things with Mom and friends….it has been mainly handling the home front, work, and the kids. Everything really.

I have made every decision on my own…I have run the show..Decided what to do when pipes freezes and where Cars should be towed. How to drive cars in slippery conditions and how to fit skis in cars without roof racks. How to be there for the kids emotionally and how to take care of myself. How to fix garburators, put out garbages and unplug toilets.

I never ever thought I could do all of this so calmly and successfully. Ever.

Literally ever person who I had scheduled to help me during these weeks to drive or to cook or to tutor or to help…something has made it so that they cannot help me. Whether that is car troubles, broken ankles, problems at homes with their own kids, concussions, fear of driving in dark or on slippery roads, broken arms you name it. And we are talking everyone here-my sons tutor who is prepping him for finals this week, my Mom who works for us 2-3 days a week and has been able to do some of work but not all, my husband’s office stuff, my own team at work, the carpool we have going that my life was depending on these weeks, the other father who needed to pick up the kids at school one night and then his own son was sick. It simply never ever has ended-and probably never will.

And it has all come back…..to ME. Even with all the best laid plans in the world.

And what has this made me realize? Two things: One I am capable (which I never thought I could be of this) and two: You can only depend on yourself in life so you better be damn prepared to take it on.

When my son’s tutor today called (we only book her one week a semester as he needs this prep before finals) and says she hurt her ankle and can’t come-she does not realize what she is doing to my life and frankly not does care. She is not interested in fixing my life she is interested in facing her own. She is not trying to come up with creative solutions like “can we drive him to her house”-she has her own priorities in life. And isn’t thinking to herself “now on top of everything my student’s poor Mom has to text him nightly in every subject’ of course she isn’t-nor should she be.

My problems are MINE. And from this point forward I am taking responsibility for them and becoming fully autonomous. I have to be.

On top of his chaos first and foremost, I have been a student. Almost full time. Studying and studying a subject I need to learn more about. With huge deadlines and a huge impact on my life. And my second job has been to spend quality time with the kids through all of this-1-1 dates, TV shows, making cakpops, longer tucks ins-dinners together every night-movie at the cinema. The whole bit. Check. Check check.

Does it sound like I am trying to be superwoman? Maybe? But I believe that in life you have to keep your focus..And you need to know what that focus is. “Normal life” (all the crap described above) is just that..Normal….if I considered that too much I would never get around to any of the truly important stuff that needs to be done in this life. The stuff that matters.

I had this texting chat this week with a friend and  we were talking about if I was alone would I have a baby on my own? And my answer was unless I thought I could take care of it fully alone..no definately not. I would never depend on help. Because I know from past experience it often doesn’t materialize. I had three housekeepers leave…..each stayed a long time-but the time came when they left. And I depended on them so much it really hurt my life, and me. No I would never have a baby on my own. Ever. I could not.

So all this to say…I got something I did not have before. I have my belief in my capability –both physical and mental. And combined. I can do life-and I can do it really well.

As the author of the book I am co-authoring and I spoke of the final chapter and what it will look like we spoke of exactly that.

 

“More Life-Please!”  Means..just that…getting more from life..beyond just that immediate moment. It’s all about the future and planning for it and securing it. Getting those kids sleeping so they can succeed in feeling confident in themselves that they can do it on their own, getting those teens to vacuum so that they can feel secure in knowing they have this skill in the future, getting that daughter to experience loss under your careful and watchful eyes so that when it happens to her as woman she knows what to do.

And for this I am grateful to my parents. They broguth me up with resilience which has been such a gift in my adult life.

And caring for yourself. Because in the end no one but you can do that to the level you required. They can help (if there are no hurricanes and volcanoes that week)-but they can’t do it for you.

“Prend soin de toi” And prend soin de ta vie. Period.

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye Post it Notes on Mirror

 

At different stages of our lives-we say hello to certain things and goodbye to others.

 

Today is was goodbye to my trusted and true post it notes that I often have on my bathroom mirror to remind me of certain things.

 

Nope they don’t read: Buy milk! Or Beauty dr apt at 3:30pm!

 

More like: Stop controlling others/be more affectionate/don’t scream at husband or kids/ be more peaceful etc.. the list can go on and on.

 

Qualities or behaviors that I feel I should have but often don’t. Or sometimes have but not enough. This post it’s reminding me to be a certain way-or to strive to be anyways. This has been going on in different forms for as long as I can remember. And very little progress to some degree if I am honest with myself.

 

But you see one important realization I had this weekend is that we should not need a post it note to remember to hug someone? We should just want to do it. Or a note to remind us to calm our tempers and not lash out.

If we need a note-we actually need a lot more than a note.

It’s like last week a colleague of mine were talking about her daughter’s surgery that she recently went through and she said “how did you possibly remember to wear your lucky charm chain for my daughter that day” My answer was “because I care” I don’t need to remember. Ever.

Well clearly it is time to say goodbye to my post it notes now. Why? Because it is time for me to deal with the why of some of the behaviors need to be written down vs the fact that they are written down and the goal being remembering to do them. And do them well.

It is to analyze why exactly I am not doing them and figure that whole piece out.

 

And this weekend? I think I did figure out plenty.

Somehow I think peace, serenity, hugs affections, calmer voices, less nagging, less controlling….are all going to be remembered a lot more often.

Maybe not every day…but most days anyways.

And the days I do forget?

Well then the next day I will simply remember again. See I get to have a second chance..maybe even a third fifth. I am human.

Somehow controlling what I cannot control fell to the bottom of my list this weekend along with being impeccable and trying to decide the outcome on things? I was such a sweet loving girl this weekend-naturally.

I am exhausted and have reached my tipping point.

Which way shall I tip?

Faith and trusting people around me somehow sound very very appealing to me.

Leaving the suitcase I have needed to lug around for some many years now right where it belongs. At the door of the house I left when I left it. Behind me.

I don’t need that suitcase anymore. And I certainly don’t have room to take on more.

 

So tomorrow on my morning post it notes do you know what will be written?

 

Nothing. Just like everyone else. Seems to work for them…time for me to give it a good and honest try.

I will keep you "posted".

Self Explanatory

Everything will be alright in the end. And if it is not…it is not yet the end”

 

I firmly believe this statment with all of my heart. People in life often give up way way too easily thinking the end has come. Go after what you want in life and fight fight fight for it until you get it. Know what that is and go for it.

We accept ends with way too much passivity. Create your end-create your rainbows.

Never take an ounce less than what will make you happy in life.

 

Love,

 

Lauren Kate

Praying and Water

My very smart friend gave me advice a few weeks ago when I talked about that I wanted to change something in my marriage. She said “maybe you should stop doing something and..start doing something”

Starting something had never really occurred to me before-so it hung heavily on my mind. I never really asked her what she meant by it but I figured it was something like “start chopping veggies at the counter with him” or “start gardening outside with him”. But on Saturday night last weekend when both our Hubbies were away and were having a late night texting marathon  I asked her point blank:

“What do you suggest I start doing?”

And she told me to pray.

Yup-you heard right –my religious friend told me- her non-religious friend to pray.

Now at first I thought this was a little crazy-but then I realised it was very generous and made a lot of sense.

Before I agreed to try it I asked her more questions of course like “how do I pray if I don’t really believe in God?” and “isn’t praying disrespectful to religious people if you pray and are not religious?”

And she said no to both. That I could pray to the universe of nature or whatever as long as I thought whatever out there was a higher power than me.

Now that was easy-I have had three babies and I considered the act of  giving birth all miracles so I consider lots of things much higher power in the world and nature than I am. So not that I prayed to an umbilical cord or anything-but I took her advice and prayed.

OUT LOUD Nonetheless!!!!

And OMG was it embarrassing at first. I have never felt so self-conscious in my life or so weird.

But I did it and I liked it.

And the next night I did it again (in my head as I could not handle the out loud part and the Amen part at end) but I still did it.

And then today when my Mom told me she is having yet another really bad health day I prayed again.

And I felt good.

So what if she tricked me into this? I do not care. I like praying it seems.

The same friend has also been very generous over the years since I am not religious and she is very- I pray thorough her when something goes wrong and she never seems to find this odd or say no. I have always found this rather nice and sweet and very kind hearted actually. I often also ask her hubby to pray for me too as he performs miracles and starts broken boats before my own eyes so I consider he has a great miracle track records. He is also very sweet and generous and agrees when I ask him for a prayer and he never looks at me funny when I make this odd request.

She also told me that prayers don’t have to be reserved for important stuff that you could pray for a boat to start to lose 5 lbs etc. Who knew that you could pray for stuff like that and not be religious???? Wow I learn something new every day it seemsJ Yipee!

So thank you my dear for this new thing I have started to do. And I have paid it forward too and tricked two more people close to me into praying!!!

Which brings me to the subject of water. I have abandoned diet coke except for at restaurants (or half a can at the cafeterias). This is a miracle in itself. I don’t drink it in my house anymore at all. And it is amn hard I have to say as I crave it both physically and mentally (and no I am not into lent). Anyways each time now that  I crave diet coke I drink a glass of water and after about 2 mins no more craving!

I am a genius right?

So that is something I started to do too-drink water instead of diet coke (except when I am at a restaurant that is) Today at indian with a friend I ran into the resto and asked the waiter straight away for my fix before I sat down.


And this is diet coke we are talking about people..Imagine letting go of  alcohol for someone addicted??

Holy smokes..I pray for those poor souls.

Lets actually all pray (to umbilical cords??) that water and praying cuts it for them too.