For a variety of many different reasons, I have had to
depend on me myself and I in the last few weeks. Only me. Besides lots of talks
and texts and a couple of social things with Mom and friends….it has been mainly
handling the home front, work, and the kids. Everything really.
I have made every decision on my own…I have run the
show..Decided what to do when pipes freezes and where Cars should be towed. How
to drive cars in slippery conditions and how to fit skis in cars without roof
racks. How to be there for the kids emotionally and how to take care of myself.
How to fix garburators, put out garbages and unplug toilets.
I
never ever thought I could do all of this so calmly and successfully. Ever.
Literally ever person who I had scheduled to help me
during these weeks to drive or to cook or to tutor or to help…something has
made it so that they cannot help me. Whether that is car troubles, broken
ankles, problems at homes with their own kids, concussions, fear of driving in
dark or on slippery roads, broken arms you name it. And we are talking everyone
here-my sons tutor who is prepping him for finals this week, my Mom who works
for us 2-3 days a week and has been able to do some of work but not all, my
husband’s office stuff, my own team at work, the carpool we have going that my
life was depending on these weeks, the other father who needed to pick up the
kids at school one night and then his own son was sick. It simply never ever
has ended-and probably never will.
And it has all come back…..to ME. Even with all the best
laid plans in the world.
And what has this made me realize? Two things: One I am
capable (which I never thought I could be of this) and two: You can only depend
on yourself in life so you better be damn prepared to take it on.
When my son’s tutor today called (we only book her one
week a semester as he needs this prep before finals) and says she hurt her
ankle and can’t come-she does not realize what she is doing to my life and
frankly not does care. She is not interested in fixing my life she is
interested in facing her own. She is not trying to come up with creative
solutions like “can we drive him to her house”-she has her own priorities in
life. And isn’t thinking to herself “now on top of everything my student’s poor
Mom has to text him nightly in every subject’ of course she isn’t-nor should
she be.
My problems are MINE. And from this point forward I am
taking responsibility for them and becoming fully autonomous. I have to be.
On top of his chaos first and foremost, I have been a
student. Almost full time. Studying and studying a subject I need to learn more
about. With huge deadlines and a huge impact on my life. And my second job has
been to spend quality time with the kids through all of this-1-1 dates, TV shows,
making cakpops, longer tucks ins-dinners together every night-movie at the cinema.
The whole bit. Check. Check check.
Does it sound like I am trying to be superwoman? Maybe?
But I believe that in life you have to keep your focus..And you need to know
what that focus is. “Normal life” (all the crap described above) is just that..Normal….if
I considered that too much I would never get around to any of the truly important
stuff that needs to be done in this life. The stuff that matters.
I had this texting chat this week with a friend and we were talking about if I was alone would I
have a baby on my own? And my answer was unless I thought I could take care of
it fully alone..no definately not. I would never depend on help. Because I know
from past experience it often doesn’t materialize. I had three housekeepers
leave…..each stayed a long time-but the time came when they left. And I
depended on them so much it really hurt my life, and me. No I would never have
a baby on my own. Ever. I could not.
So all this to say…I got something I did not have before.
I have my belief in my capability –both physical and mental. And combined. I
can do life-and I can do it really well.
As the author of the book I am co-authoring and I spoke
of the final chapter and what it will look like we spoke of exactly that.
“More Life-Please!” Means..just that…getting more from life..beyond just that immediate moment. It’s all
about the future and planning for it and securing it. Getting those kids
sleeping so they can succeed in feeling confident in themselves that they can
do it on their own, getting those teens to vacuum so that they can feel secure
in knowing they have this skill in the future, getting that daughter to
experience loss under your careful and watchful eyes so that when it happens to
her as woman she knows what to do.
And for this I am grateful to my parents. They broguth me
up with resilience which has been such a gift in my adult life.
And caring for yourself. Because in the end no one but
you can do that to the level you required. They can help (if there are no
hurricanes and volcanoes that week)-but they can’t do it for you.
“Prend soin de toi”
And prend soin de ta vie. Period.
