Control Freak

For those of you who don’t it I am a control freak. Duh???? No news there for people who know me, deal with me, love me or work with me. I have gotten better of the years for sure but just like all the other control freaks I know that surround me-we are here to stay unfortunately.

My controlling issues are largely controlled a lot of the time-but I derail under stress-and certain issues are huge triggers for me. I have had a lot of triggers lately.

My sons new work schedule is one of them. Beauty’s ski competition is another which this year since her last year we are doing almost 100 percent commitments to vs 75% in other years. Bear is training to be a pre-monitor. Chase has his permit for more than 6 months now and preparing to get his driver’s licence. Bear does 6am trainings for kayak during the week. Beauty dances many days after school and now includes Friday nights

And what do all of these things have in common? That triggers me and my control freakiness?

1-Early early mornings so no sleeping in 7 days a week now

2-I am not the one who chose them. They were hand-picked by my kids

3-There is chaos much of the time because I don’t control the schedule because they are getting too old for that (I guess).

Let’s give a few examples here:

Chases new job coincides with Beauty ski training. They are at the same hill. Her timing is already lethal enough but now his timing is 30 mins earlier and 1 hr later than her. But that is some weeks and not others and each week it changes and he might or not might find out on the Friday by email. He has to be there 9 hrs but can get paid from anywhere between 0-4 hrs but it is hugely important that he be there super early just to be sure and is there super late. If he doesn’t do this he loses his bonus which total no joke about 12 dollars for the whole season. 12 dollars total that is just to be clear.

But I have to keep in kind this is a learning experience!!!!!! Clearly for me as much as him!!!! Today I stopped holding myself back and called the supervisor to get the hours clearly understood and was basically told to…… you get the picture. And you know what I did?. I got off the phone and cried. Yup. Cried. I have my period by the way.

Kayak at 6am-what a fun schedule! Before private school where you need to be in uniform and have your lunch and computer and all has to be perfect! Yup let’s tack on another hour of sweating and showering and carpooling! When I said yes I was told that a mom would drive every morning as she liked it-but that kid doesn’t go anymore! That leaves me and the other mom (neither of us much liking getting up at 5:30am very much!)

And trust me I know all of these problems are self-imposed. We choose them as a family (why is another question I guess). We are in the sandwich part of life trying to balance what is good short term (most of it sucks!) vs what will be good for the kids long term (hopefully most of it). Short term pain for hopeful long term gain happens a lot around here lately.

Anyways the list goes on and on. This is the hard part about teens….they are deciding now  and control things themselves-it’s part of growing up and learning right? But for control freaks it is damn hard because we know for sure we do it better so wouldn’t it just be simpler to skip the learning and juts follow me and listen to me? And ps while they control the schedules  we still have to drive.

I mean last week I was taking a restorative yoga on a Friday night and I was worried the whole time that because I left Chase and his girl at home alone that in 9 months I might have a grandbaby???? And this is supposed to be relaxing and restorative for  me. Try again.

(I think my husband must not divorce me simply just to avoid not having to share custody of the kids with me. Talk about a trigger for a schedule control freak. I think he is happier just dealing with this! He and I are both very clear that I would not be an easy partner to be divorced to. Better to keep me under the same roof and cage me when I lose it.)

Raising teens is very very hard. Especially if you try and do it the “right” way vs the “easy” way (once in a while I try very hard) Raising three teens at the same time is downright heartbreaking for someone like me who delights in writing activities in agendas and ticking them off as they happen.

I decided I was wrong and I am not ready to write a book about teens specifically  yet. I need another year of failure behind me before I start judging yours dear readers.

2 blog posts on same day! I must really need to vent!

Stops and Starts

Since Jan 1 I have been keenly aware of “finding my flow”. And the books claim that the best way to find it is to be more in tune with your desires. Look almost as an outsider of things you like doing-or don’t like doing- and take notice of them. Also of trends in your life of likes and dislikes and how you feel about them.

Well so far here is what it is shaping up to be (can’t say I am overly proud of my observations)

Like doing to the point I would never want to stop doing them at any point:

Sitting or lying on any couch or chair surface

Reading- lying down

Writing- sitting up with covers around me

Making lists-in any position

Sleeping pretty much anywhere at anytime

Eating yummy things

Texting (I know it could be an addiction for me so I put a lot of limits on it but I adore it)

Going into Jacuzzis outside

Getting massages

Spending time with my  husband and/or kids especially if it involves eating, sitting lying down or in a Jacuzzi

Here are things I also notice I like a lot

1-   Being very busy all the time

2-   Working

3-   Talking with my friends or Mom on or seeing them in person

4-   Doing yoga, long walks outside in all seasons, skating and any summer lake sport

Things I dislike:

-Mondays

-cooking

-cleaning

-packing

-starting vacation

-ending vacation

-not being busy (odd for someone who does so much sleeping and lying around eh?)

Trends

-I find it really hard to pull myself away from things . I dread the end of activities I like or work ending  and being interrupted. If I am liking what I am doing at work or at home-juts want to continue and resent to move to the next needed thing (therefore lots of resentment of interruption in,my life!!!)

-have a hard time with starts and ends of things

-I find constantly in my life even though I love lying around reading and writing I seem to never get to do these things a lot or for very long. I am always walking up for something, packing for something and running to something

-I am physically exhausted

Are we crazy to live in this climate?

In Quebec, snow and cold are just part of the everyday winter. I almost die of laughter when I read the blogs of those in hotter places complaining of the cold of their winters!! Ya..Take -30 degrees with a windshield adding up to -40 and be outside doing winter sports in it.

And actually I am not complaining as I love having various seasons like this. I cannot picture myself not having 4 diverse seasons like we do-it is actually quite beautiful. So on, most days I am not a complainer about cold or winter. I also adore summer and spring for the promise of summer. I adore Fall foliage more than most anything.

But all winter long even from my Canadian colleagues etc. all I hear are complaints about the weather. It’s annoying. Buy a warm coat and hat  now people! Go for it! Most people even hibernate all winter which is such a loss.. There are so many amazing outside sports to do and if you are dressed for it you are fine.

Long johns, down coats, good snowsuits, thermal socks with batteries etc (our three kids got this last year from us for  xmas and is the best gift in the world for kids who are on the mountain 8 hrs a day on weekends)We don’t complain much about weather  and certainly not on weekends. In the week it is a pain in the ass for sure-but part of  getting the four seasons.

That being said I walked out of work later Tuesday evening around 7:30pm and I opened my mouth to breath and my teeth were chilled to the bone and cold for real-it was then and there that I said (almost aloud) “Are we f…in crazy to live in this?” That same day I spent another 30 mins scraping ice off my van.

People lives in warmer climates must be so much easier –no shovelling, no ice storms, no taking and extra 30 mins every morning to clean both cars. The second time in the week my teeth froze I thought the same “what the hell am I doing here?”

But today I am reminded again. Cozy at cottage in front of fire preparing lunch before we go cross country and and then back to the house on the 4-4 to clear the skating rink on the lake. The three kids are all at the mountain since 7:45am. Today is the big dayChase starts officially the job with scheduled groups etc (we will see about that if it actually happens!), Bear starts his pre-monitor course in prep to be a monitor next season and Beauty continues her ski training competitions and the actual big competitions are next weekend. They all have their cold feet in their cozy thermal heated battery operated socks and hot pads in their gloves. Layers of sweaters and down coats.They will come home so so cold-but very fulfilled with rosy cheeks.

Winter is really disaster in so many ways but also so breathtakingly beautiful and was whole lot of fun if you can get into the spirit of it. And I guess that freezing teeth are just part of the overall charm!

So what do you think? Are we crazy?

Half Meaures

There was a blog I read this morning which spoke to me. She talks about half measures. Basically only doing things halfway instead of going full out. With often fatal or important consequences. She defines it for herself as weak or half assed attempts to achieve something.

And it spoke to me very much because it is my mantra in life not to do this for the things and people that I have defined important in my life. And my pet peeve for certain  is when the world around me (or I!) do not do the same.

At work people seem to get this idea. Go the extra mile. Focus on strategic important projects. 

At home many people also get this –especially when there is a stay at home mom-treat your family like your most important project. And then there are many people at work and with families who don’t give at rats’ ass at all of course about their work or family or both!

But I find that it is the people or situations between work and home that often get the half measures of people most often. Exercise, health,  treating friends well, committing to hobbies, taking care of ourselves, stepping outside of our own zone and busy lives and minds  and nurturing others. The list can go on and on and on.

In my own life there are many things I give half measures too-because either the motivation or the feeling just isn’t there. But you don’t hear me complaining much about the consequences and impact of these half measured attempts. But I also have plenty of deliberate areas I put my energies into full force and these are the areas I succeed in. I think about these areas almost daily-I know where my full measures go. And I take accountability and ownership for them

And we can’t give our full to everything and everyone that is certain. I most certainly don’t!  Make your choices deliberate at the very least! Decide way you will give your full ass to-your half ass to and what you will give no ass at all to! (He he!) And then try as hard as you might to stick to those areas of asses.

And then own these choices and live then and take accountability. And when you mess up? Own it. Be accountable and apologize fully for your shortcomings.

And if particular people and situations are not important to you then maybe you should let them know? Be more articulate and forthcoming and share with them that they will never be a full on ass for you? Or change jobs to something yon can give more to or want to give more on.

Surround yourself in a life that matters to you. Where the people, the experiences, the environment is enough to make it matter in and of itself. Where weak and half assed attempts to be even close to average or performing just don’t cut it in realms that you love, are passionate about, precise about and adore.

And let go of the life and people around you who don’t motivate you to want to give them your best. Or if you don’t let go of them at least be honest with them and let them know that they are last on your to do list and then let them decide what to do with you.

I adore this term half measure (taken from a breaking bad episode) Will add it to my list of book titles unwritten in my brain!!!

unforgettable moments that make up a beautiful life

I sat there last night so content, so in awe, so proud and so happy to be part of this family. This family in particular. My family.

There he was-so many things I wanted him to be that he is now. To be more clear- so many things I wanted him to feel and have that he now does. The happiness, the laughter the closeness with friends, the trust, the bonding, the confidence the leadership. And that he shares this with us so imitimately  at 17 yrs. old is even more impressive. I have always wanted to have this relationship with my son..All my children. I sat there basking in the sunlight he has always shone on me as his mother.

Last night we celebrated Chase’s bday out at a restaurant. It was always that kids could bring 1 friend to the restaurant or dinner and the 5 of us and my mom of course. Then they wanted two. This year Chase asked for three ! So we cut out anything remotely fancy and did fast food souvlaki. And we all had such a good time together. Really being  together. Was so cool.

I always worried about this kid. Forever it seems. Would he place the importance on friendship that I knew would make him happy? That I know is so special in life-would my kids do that? Could I help him? Would he build that village that I feel is so necessary for happiness and fulfillment? There he sat with these amazing three other boys and Bear and Beauty and I listened to their conversations. Music to my ears. They asked me questions too about my book! Wanted to see a picture of the front cover! We talked about Cegeps and parents and girlfriends and beer. It was amazing

If I think about flow and what gives me energy and  there is probably nothing like seeing a group of friends for me. Especially the kid’s friends. Being surrounded by them. Seeing my children interact with people other than us -close to them. It’s like a beautiful concert to me-a symphony of abilities, strengths, learnings, teachings and moments. It’s those moments that I pride myself in my parenting the most and is also my hardest critic. It’s like I see my kids come alive in these moments-I see what the world has in store for them

They give him a gift-kind of a joke bag full of crazy things that he opened one by one (a bathing cap, a rotten banana, his favorite book from grade 1, a beer cap, and they laugh and laugh and laugh and video it all to post on Facebook. I feel solid and good and feel all their abundance overflowing. They always say you can judge a person by the quality of friends they have-I could not agree more. I see him through all of their eyes. I feel so happy for him that he is surrounded by guys his age who are good to the core, bright, ambitions, loving, caring, smart . Cool-good looking, successful kids. I see what his future is shaping up to be. And I start to breathe better.

And they are all so appreciative. The thank you’s-the curiosity. But most of all that unlike all the teen books-they want to include us the parents –they want to include his siblings-they want to include my mom. And more importantly Chase does too. He is proud of us; proud of our ways, proud of our communication. We do not have a teen that isolates himself and disagrees with everything we say (only some things that we then negotiate on after big feuds). The books I read about sullen, unhappy, rebellious, confused teens are not applying to him.

And we leave there on his 17th bay celebration and know that I will always remember these moments. I will always remember his abundance of happiness. I will always remember the way he shared with us his beautiful life so gracefully. My thoughts are echoed by emails I get from Hubby and my Mom the next day commenting of how wonderful the night was and how beautiful. They get it. We have all three raised him together. Holding our breath at the same time letting it out at the same time. He has been our guinea pig and the one who worried us most. He is and was all of our first.

The way he winked at me during dinner-the way he gave his dad a hug and said “je t’aime, the way he  hugged each friend  to say thanks for the gifts-these huge 6’5 guys (vs our 5’6 guy) hugging-just love the confidence. The friends impecable manners: "Thank you so much for having us!" "And wow you must be so proud of yourself to have co authored a book- I cant wait to get a signed copy!"  His friend asking me if he could come to the cottage next weekend as he has weekend off and told me he cook help prepare Hubbys bday dinner that day and could I text him tomorrow to let him know if he could come to the cottage please?

Are you 17 yr old boys??? Really??? And I wished for girls all my life??
I adore raising a village of boys and girls who are teens. I could stay here forvever and just freeze time (when my kids are not screaming at  me I am an idiot that is)

I walked out of there and knew that instead of reading all the books on teens and how they are? It was time for me to get down and dirty about writing about what they could be. With very specific and important strategies in place used day after year and year after year. I felt last night finally that my coaching  expertise that has always 5-12 yrs. old in the work I do-now has moved to the teen years. It was a beautiful night and a comforting revelation both of his and my own future paths.

It all-just made sense last night.

What a lovely start to 2015. It feels so frigging good to write something positve and uplifting this year.

Goodbye Holidays!

no time to edit sorry for typos.. rushing and have tried to post this all day and no time. so posted with lots of typos it will be!

It’s funny as I have always had a love hate relationship with holidays (mostly love!) I am always a little bit scared and insecure to be off work and out of routine but then equally as scared to return back to that work and those routines.

Something about holidays shakes me up no matter how many times I take them (which is a lot!) Holidays always manage to destabilize me and ground me both at the same time. When I start them I always think-“OMG how will I be without my routine/off work/with these 4 others people 24 hrs a day all day every day for the next 15 days??? And then during and at the end I think “How will I ever get back to real life-this is sooo good. I love being off work and with these 4 people!!”

And certainly I do love holidays. It’s just when we do them-we really do them. We don’t work in between at all-take a real mental break. All of us. Kids are supposed to prep for a few exams and we agreed with them..no way. I have three massive deadlines Wednesday and refuse to even let my mind go there until tomorrow morning. For us it is the only way to really disconnect and re-energize. However the result is chickens running around without heads when we get back to normal life-but I am  convinced that for us this oblivious disconnected state is necessary to deal with the types of lives we lead when we are not on vacation.

A few things I want to remember about our Christmas 15 days of holidays 2014/2015 (minus one day I worked on Dec 24): Skip if boring for you as often on vacation blogs more of record keeping for me and family.

-We relaxed a lot the first half (minus hosting for Xmas which because we host for pretty much every year for two decades so is no big deal for us. We have hosting done to an art by this point)

-The first part of holidays it was movies, and baking and reading and lounging around in pyjamas. We watched on most days two episodes of Scandal a day Hubby and I! We would go outside for about 2 hrs a day on most days for a skate-a sport of an errand and then come back to the cozy fire ..and do..nothing. Normally on holidays we make sure we have a few days of this for sure but most years we have friends in and out of the cottage every few days. This year much much quieter. Except the last five days we have had a whirlwind of friends and guests and extended family activity which has been super nice too

-Skiing: Beauty and Chase skied every second day (and sometimes everyday) from 8:30am-3:30pm. Big skiing days. Bear in between here and there with more cross country etc. And Hubby and I skied…never. We were not up to it . Hubby cross country a number of times. Me? Nothing. It just was not the flavor of our holidays this year.

-Fave events? New Year’s Eve, Jan 1 and lunch with mom and great visit to the of family cottage with Hubby sister and skating on the beautiful lake. Soul keeper and family special two day visit and long walks and long soaks in the hot tub with snow on our heads with my dear buddy. Every time I see her it’s like much needed oxygen for both of us. Had such a good time.

-Board games. Always had a vision of family being into board games-always touched on it over the years here and there on this vacation was almost every second night. Except once though was without meL I kind of despise games except a few which is something I will need to change!!!!! But just because I suck doesn’t mean I don’t want this experience for the family. I adore this quiet time with me myself and I in front of fire while they play Clue and Life and whatever else. Need to include myself more

-Girlfriends over. They are both here now! First time at cottage. And overnight too. Fun..I played a game all of us..Had nice dinner. But awkward weird day too a bit and not used to it all and certainly an adaptation for us on many levels. But the girls themselves are beautiful wonderful nice girls for sure. Just hard to see our boys cuddling, kissing, and us babysitting and being worried about not leaving them alone in any room very long!. New lives! To be expected! One of those boys is too young for this! One of them is perfect stage but still odd. At least I know both have excellent taste in woman!

-The kids not even one time said they were bored or wanted to go back to the city or real life. They loved the break and besides the skiing didn’t do a whole lot!!! I can’t believe they could relax as much as we do and enjoy it. Impressive and fun that we have raised three kids so similar to us.

-It’s been a hard year so not surprising that at the end of it-Hubby and I had our ups and do on these holidays . Had such important talks-let out a lot of feelings on both our sides that have been bottled up somewhat. It’s going to be time for us to tweak between us what has always been comfortable. Wit this year behind us- redefine ourselves and our couple in many ways. It’s going to be hard-and exciting in ways too. We had a lot of good times together but also a lot of reality checks. You can’t  have gone through what we have as a couple this year and expect anything less.

-amount of family time.-it always shocks me how much time as a family of five or even as a couple we spend together without killing each other. We spend a lot mostly because of our cottage and we don’t have neighbors or friends up here that we socialize with (minus the kids have a couple of friends at mountain). When we are here is is the 5 of us and we are here a lot. Always makes me proud. We are very bonded. We get on each other’s nerves a lot but it all works out. When Sou keeper and I had two full hours in the Jacuzzi together she was shocked when I said that was my first time away from the others in 14 days!!!! Craziness! And as a couple no time at all. 24/7 with the kids always except a 5 hour Nordic bath spa morning. No dinners just two of us-no nights with the kids back in the city. All together.

 When kids were young and up until about 4 years ago we made much more of an effort to find this couple time. One we have it more naturally come to us with kids often leaving us alone to watch movies or afternoon when they ski etc. We feel the clock is working in a different direction now…only so many more moments of the whole family and many more ahead of us as a couple alone. There will be plenty of date nights ahead in our future!

-Eating-we ate really really well. Homemade meals nightly and lots of cakes and cupcakes. I ate whatever I wanted  but in moderation which is not hard for me. Had protein shakes ¾ of times in morning. Was a good food holiday. Kinda scared to see the damages on the scale-but I have the feeling that I gained 3 lbs but will be easy to lose with the new eating plan within about a week.

-I feel lonely in some ways. I want more. More family. More friends. More love. More of everything. I read a line on a blog the other day that resonated with me like nothing else. The blogger was being interviewed  and was asked the question “Is there anyone you are close to you miss?

And she said exactly what is in my own heart:

Chances are if I love you? I miss you.

It’s how I am wired and that won’t be changing anytime soon.

So the end of holidays. Parts wonderful and parts a little less wonderful. Just like real life.

Goodbye holidays!!! Until the next!

Ps-came back at end of day to write PS before posting. Girlfriend day got fun. Freezing rain here so no skating and outside stuff. Packed them all up in the car and gave them each 15 dollars to go spend in village. They all decided to go out to Mr Pizza for lunch (two couple and invited Beauty) then they all walked 15 mins in the rain and went bowling. Was really sweet and we got to know the girls on a different level. I was so happy they all included our daughter too which was so much fun for her (although I did not expect it given they have not seen their girlfriends in 2 weeks and was sure they would each do separate activities and had warned Beauty). Hubby and I went out for a delicious lunch at a resto and shared two yummy meals and then a chocolatine and coffee at the bakery. We walked along the village slipping and sliding everywhere and met up with the bowlers for a stroll back to the car where we parked further away to get some fresh air. Today although crappy weather was a super end to the holiday. And having the girlfriends here became more normal too. They are both lovely girls and felt happy all five kids around same age to be able to hang out.

Now although we should be packing we are squeezing in a half episode of Scandal by the fire and a Jacuzzi Hubby and I before we make our last family vacation dinner which the kids chose (Greek pasta, baguette, sausages on BBQ and apple caramel cake)

We will be home later than expected and the girl’s parents will be picking them up at our house. They have to know and understand that if they hang with our family…we squeeze it all in right up until the very last second!!!

PSS: the fun will continue! Just found out no electricity at home and roads too icy to take road. We sleep here with girlfriends again. Just cleared it with both parents that they miss two periods of school in morning. Was fun we all had a meeting to discuss and make decisions with kids. They are thrilled!!!!

Score of 2014

Now we look at the past year and how I did with my words in 2014:

Serenity: steadiness of mind under stress; composure, calm, peacefulness

Patience: ability to accept and tolerate delays, problems, sufferings without becoming annoyed or anxious

Above were my two words for 2014. It was such a busy crazy unexpected year I literally forgot I even had any words.

Let’s see? How did I do? Well let’s see in both areas I would say my mom, my husband, my co-workers, my boss and my closest BFF’s would say I made significant improvement. Probably more on the Serenity portion than the Patience but a definite improvement in patience too.

My kids? I bet they would say on serenity slight improvement and in patience no movement.

All perspectives. All reality. But what do I think since I am the one who lived this year? I would say I was steller actually. My world was (and still is in lots of ways) topped itself upside down. It’s really really hard to explain unless you have lived it before-like anything big that happens to anyone for that matter. I am not sure I will ever really recover if I am quite honest. So considering what this year unexpectedly held I actually think I was very serene and very patient-but this was inside my heart much of the time silently and I don’t know how much the world saw of it. For me I am still floored that I got through this year, am still happily married, still have excellent relationships with my kids (even better than the year before), have a closer more authentic relationship with my mother in many ways than ever before and am able to juggle the demands of my new role at work, take on big new clients for my own company, wrote a book and managed to do my part of the domestic duties at home that we used to have  help with. And..be not losing my mind. So with that personal definition of peace and serenity of mine-I would say I scored fairly well.

With tons and tons of space for improvement. What I have realized a lot this year is that often people can’t change innately what is inside of them. They can change the outward behaviours in many ways but very very hard to change people. I have many people around me-including myself, that I have tried to change (which is dumb and also doesn’t usually work). Some I have tried to make more passionate, some more present, some more stable, some more organized, some more nuturing, some more visionaries and strategy. But at the end of the day? I am going to be surrounded by friends and family who I love dearly but are clearly not in the present moment, or not organized, or not making long terms decisions. Just like I will never really be serene or patient-but can try my darnest to act more in this way sometimes for the sake of the people around me mainly

As the year 2014 is coming to an end especially in December my patience and serenity is actually wavering a lot. I am starting to feel my ever common restlessness again as the year closes. Interesting. Which leads me to reflect on the space I am in for 2015 (hallulah we changed years baby!!!) 2014 in lots of ways and my words led me to my word Flow for 2015