Focused Flow

A good friend and I chatted about my word of the year over text this week. I love this woman so much and admire her in so much in so many different way ways. We are very good friends but also worked together-she really understands me and I her. We have a very unique relationship.   I take her advice very seriously. I asked her about my word and asked her for some advice on achieving it.

She and I have a lot in common. A lot. But at the core we are fundamentally different people. Probably the most different than any friend I have. We are each high performers and achieve success-but in very different ways.

I loved hearing her perspective on flow in my life and how I could get it.

When she texted and said I had to be more focused-I re-read the text three times. Me more focused??? No one has even told me that before-I am Mrs. Laser Focus always?? But she meant much more focused in what I expect of myself and want to achieve in order to let more be spontaneous and happen naturally and flow by itself in my life. To make much more  room to flow basically.

To narrow my focus from sooooo many areas that not only do I want to succeed in, but do succeed in and not that I want in my life but expect in my life to. She wanted me to reduce these areas of focus considerably:

 To two areas

Two things????????????????????????????????? Two hundred or two?

She insisted on two. Two areas that are super important to me that I would be very high performing and deliberate in-and the others…..not so much and let the universe take care of them and trust the process.

And then I would have time for flow in my life.

No wonder I have a hard time achieving flow!!! I am not joking here I have at least 25 important areas that I focus on and probably more like 50-60 if I am honest. Reading this text was like Chinese to me-it was a different language, she talked about trusting the process and having the belief that others could provide strategic direction to my children besides me. About an eco-system in the universe that works towards making it all ok in the end. To start considering what would happen if I did not always take action. At first it made no sense to me-but suddenly it did. It made a whole lot of sense and made me realise that the way I am currently running my life and in parellel trying finding flow are opposites in many ways

I have no space to flow anymore. Or did I ever?

So it has been on my mind all weekend this ecosystem and has influenced my mood and my actions and behaviours. On Hubby’s birthday I had no expectations of myself or the day at all-and turned into a great one. It seemed to work that day. I think it was amazing to hear this new way of thinking and of behaving. I am so glad I got curious and asked the question as would never ever have considered this perspective. And the fact that someone I respect and admire so much that is very successful was the one handing out the perspective was even sweeter. It works for her! Why not for me?

For me I think it will be something I toy with-try on for size-have fun with. Invite more into my life. Practice sometimes. It will be beneficial for sure.

But deep down I know it will not be the way I run my life for the most part. Trusting the process is one thing…but having two areas of focus is not enough for me. Like the name of our book “More, Life Please!”…I will always want more. Two just won’t cut it. As I told my friend there has to be a minimum of one focus per family member for me!!! My deliberateness as a parent has paid off many times over already in so many ways…deliberate parenting and planning to me is key and is what I stand for. In the last little while I have seen so many great outcomes of this deliberateness and strategic and long term vision that I have relied so heavily on during my life. I like being deliberate. I adore it actually. There is nothing in life that makes me prouder than when I know I focused on something important and made a difference for myself or people surrounding me. When I have it in my head to help -and I create magic around me..When I strategically decide to make a difference and I do-by careful planning and  action. And I do this a whole lot. Maybe too much. I have a hand in many successful outcomes, I am a fixer . It’s what I love to do and what people love me for. I have never known any other way.

(Olivia Pope is who I am for those of you who watch Scandal)

But clearly from my chosen word of the year-I also am seeking something new, and this perspective might be just what I need to achieve the results I want. Laser focus is hard work and exhausting especially if you use this skill on virtually everything and everybody.

Less stress, less worry, less pain for gain. Simplicity, health happiness and peace. Things I have a hell of a lot more of now that I did a few years back but probably a lot less of than most people I know. I have a lot of others  things-a lot of happiness, a lot of a ton of things….but serenity and peace and less stress? I will never be abundant in that unless I change the way I live radically.

And radical for me right now is asking a lot of questions and getting curious and listening intently to people I respect and sitting back and really observing how other successful people around me live their lives. And understanding how they live their lives exactly. (future name of book!)

And then trying parts of it out for myself.

And when I do this I  know for sure ….that I am discovering flow.

Or more importantly flow is finding me

And flow will come…only when I stop trying to find it. So I will try to try stop searching. And then maybe the universe will do its magic on me instead of the other way aroundJ

A Birthday with Us

I am not sure that the recipe of this weekend was necessarily conducive to a nice and fun relaxing birthday for my Protector. Actually we were both quite sure it was not.

Last night we had to wait until ski club for Bear was over ad so picked him up at school ta 10:30pm and arrived at the cottage in -30 weather at 12:15am. Would not have been so bad if we did not have to get up so early the next day. It literally felt like we slept a few minutes and got up again! Beauty had a competition a good hour away and Chase and Bear had their job and course at the other mountain (half an hour apart so had to go twice) and also be at Beautys competition. Basically a logistical nightmare. Then we knew that we would have to rush out of the competition at 3pm-although all our friends were there as a mountain that everyone skis at and a highlight of our year to go there-but we had to to get Bear. Then we knew we would have to go back to the mountain an hour later to get Chase. We had a quiet dinner planned for Hubby bday at least.

Then Chase through the bomb that all new instructors were invited to a party at a ski monitors house. 25 mins away. And he needed to be picked up at midnight. And he couldn’t have dinner with us as had to shower. We certainly were not upset-of course he had to and should go but it’s hard to have teenagers!

And guess what tomorrow is? Another competition and and other instructor day. Sleep is very badly needed. All that to say we headed out in the literally coldest day of the friggin year and went to do all of this in the cold. We weren’t counting on this being a great bday for Hubby as a birthday. We were grateful that we had a much bigger celebration this week on Tuesday night where his sister and bro-in law came and my Mom and his nephew who is 30 and his girlfriend. We had a great evening with Hubby’s traditional Chinese food delivered. I made millefeuille homemade and everyone loved it. We laughed and joked and had a super time-it was honestly a great night. Much better than his real day we expected to be….

But the flow came…..the flow of the unexpected. Did I open myself up to this more today after conversations about it this week that changed my thinking? Did my opening up to it more allow my Guy to open up more It was just despite all the busyness a super flowing day. And super and simply nice.

So many nice texts for Hubby, tons and tons of people we know and like a lot at the mountain who were toasting his bday, lots of nice interactions me and hubbby laughing and giggling and having fun. Tonight the four of us with one missing and just a simple bowl of chili I made with a Caesar salad and some crusty bread and a warped cupcake with wax running down them from the candles. A few funny gifts that were really quite lame but that’s what happens when you have your bday near Xmas. I tried. Well maybe a plunger for the toilet and a brush for the car were not exactly what he wanted but I thought would be funny and cute along with a hoody I very carefully chose and his fave chocolates.

Beauty;s BFF's (minus one who was competing too) who showered Hubby with love all day while Beauty raced (with her other BFF). They sang to him, hugged him, danced a birthday dance in the snow for him and kept hugging him and telling everyone it was his bday. We have seen these beautiful girls grow up before our eyes-forever-and they are precious gems in our lives . True sparkles. They made my husband's birthday so memorable and special.

We ended up all laughing so so hard. For no real reason. It was just fun. Just light and flowly and all around fun. Lots of laughing and hugging. Flow. It was sooooo not what a birthday should be-but on the other hand everything in the world it must be. It was truly a wonderful day-for no real reason at all. I think it may have been the beginning of something new and special. Who even knows eh?

And my husband. We all know I am so lucky. It’s a fact he is unparalleled as a father in this family-I have truly never seen anything like it. The fact my kids get to have him as thier Dad-is just magnificent as far as I am concerned. And as my partner- he is the one I want to spend my life with and grow old with –even after our more than 20 yrs. together now and what feels like a lifetime of ups and downs. He is my coma guy and always has been. And finding a coma guy? Who’s also smart, good looking and stable is not that easy people. He’s the one.

So today we toast my Guy. To a new beginning of something. Something different and something good..maybe.To a man who last year I wrote over 50 great things about who was not with us on his birthday..and to this year I did not even write a card to…and who is here cozily by our sides.

A card could never ever say what is on my mind and in my thoughts for this year. Neither the good nor the bad. Words will never capture it enough. Maybe a book one day will do 2104 justice.

THANK YOU. For saving my soul. And for rescuing your own. Thank you from our children and our future grandchildren. Thank you for raising the bar on integrity and courage and for never ever again having to teach our children anything about life from a book or an example, or a TV show or another person. They got to be taught by you. What a precious lesson to learn so young eh?

Because we all?....We got to see it happen-right before our very eyes. We got to see courage and integrity and strength and resilience. We got to live it. Alongside you. We got forced to bring our best selves to the table and learn the lesson that we are all capable and strong as a family

 We all got to be there. And we still are. Well get to stick around and see another day together, a year, a lifetime. We don’t get to be perfect-far from it-but we get to love each other imperfectly many minutes and hours of many days.

We get to say we didn’t give up. And we get to say we more than made it through.

You did this for us.

You.

Happy Birthday my love.

Where we will be back to one day. Hopefully sooner than later. Miss it!!!

Technology Strikes Again!

Last weekend I was at the skating rink and saw a lovely scene. A Mom and daughter sitting together sharing a hot chocolate with their heads and foreheads pressed together. It was so sweet among the hustle and bustle of all the others putting on skates there these two darlings were in their quiet corner with not a care in the world. The little girl was about 3 yrs. old. I saw her face and only the back of her Mom’s head-foreheads together so sweetly and intimately. They stayed in this intimate positon for many minutes. In my head I was thinking of how much I envied them, envied that closeness of mother and daughter, envied the bonding between them. Mostly envied the sheer attention the mother gave her daughter-her capacity for this attention just for that little girl. Making that little one feel like the most special one in the world. I felt many things watching this scene in front of me.

Then I walked to the other side of the skate cabana and saw IT. 

The cell phone! The mom was not leaning in intimately to her daughter’s forehead she was texting and looking down all this time! Like the rest of the wold and the  other moms in there. Like I probably would have done. She was not better than anyone-she was just as bad and maybe even worse for making it even look like she cared about her daughter and tricking us all.

Technology did it again. It ruined yet another moment. Stole another mom being present with her child (or anyone else for that matter). And the worst part was they kid did not mind at all. All kids now are used to this. All normal  for them. Every moment of the day. They would probably be shocked if the mom was actually being present and sharing a moment with her. She would probably be crying she would be so shocked and scared.

The other night my own 13 yr. old questioned an adult’s behavior. One of her friend’s moms was talking to my daughter and about 6 times in 10 minutes texted in between Beauty’s answers. What type of conversation is that? Why bother even having it?  Beauty asked me about it and asked me if this is normal. My answer was “not in our family it is not but in most unfortunately it is”

This is the new normal

No wonder we have so many problems in the world. No wonder people have any real connections anymore or real friends. No wonder most people’s friends are virtual. This makes no sense. I am sorry but a web friend is not the same as a real friend. Never. They take no effort, no upkeep and no emotion. You can come and go as you please on line. In life you are expected to show up.

I am so so so happy that smartphones did not exist when I was raising little kids., They would have pulled me in too as although I would not even consider texting in front of adults or others people kids during conversations (unless for something urgent or exceptional)-. I would admit that I take my own kids for granted too often and would have probably texted in front of them a lot when they were little or surfed the net as little kids were never my cup of tea.

Puzzles, playing, story time never captured my attention. They could never have competed with their phone. I would have been a totally different mom than I am today. Now thank goodness my kids who are teen and their interests interest me enough most of times to be present with them (with many times I try and fail and go to the phone) but at least I am aware of it and make conscious efforts.At least half the time or more I make good decisions that benefit our family life.

Thank God for the IPhone not having been invented when I was a young mom. Too tempting.

Sacred and Necessary

Was so nice yesterday this week of over lunch with a good friend and colleague of mine I may have received the nicest compliment I have ever had in my life. He said what he appreciated about me most was that I always put relationships and people over and above everything and that it was apparent. I work with him too so was so nice to see that this shined through in my workplace. It really touched my heart to hear him express it in the way he did to me.

And then we got into this cool conversation about what other than people (as relationships top of his list too and for him like I anything to do with collogues, feelings, friends and family, conflicts, communication etc. are handled  with first priority  in his inbox rather than last-and at our place of work there are a lot of relationships and colleagues and conflicts and communication to care about!) So we started discussing other sacred or necessary things in our lives and listing them.

You see yes relationships important to me but also some “things & experiences” are important to me too:

-Flannel sheets-this made it onto my sacred and necessary list last night since hubby got for his bday and the best thing EVER

-Hunter slippers. How did I live without these prior?

-floating mats for the pool to tan and feel the sun on

-soft elastics to put a ponytail in my hair

-moisturizer, lipbalm and shower gel

-The Buddha on my fireplace (my spiritual side. Don’t believe in him-just like him there protecting me)

-the Zebra on my fireplace reminding me to always look closer for health and the hidden zebras that are not like the more likely horses that can lead

us to discover what is not apparent in health (inspired from the year we had last year)

-My rocks of closeness and separation

-My sickness surgery good luck charms that always does the trick and is used for everyone I know and their loved ones through health issues and surgeries. People at work know something is going on when I wear this quite unstylish piece of work around my neck!!!

-My protein shakes (never thought this would make it to the list)

-Restorative yoga classes (never thought this would make it to the list either

-Watching fave TV shows (scandal defiantly on my list, parenthood, Abbey)

-Having at least 2 days a week where not jumping out of bed with an alarm (few and far between lately but necessary overall in life)

-Having at least a few planned times a year with my BFFs where we get together and get our families together for special things. So so so necessary for me and will be until my grave. or at least I will die trying!!!

-Quality time with my husband, kids, mom and friends. I know I am sneaking in this relationship stuff but it is so so so scared and necessary. How do people skip this stuff in their lives when they get to busy??? Oxygen!!!

-Food and the looking forward to it. As my friend and I had lunch yesterday-he had me try all different places at lunch every so often as he and his spouse always go to these places and discover them and then he shows them to me  and we talk about how yummy the food is constantly and then I end up taking my family to them. Best and cheap places that /I crave and crave afterwards

-Flannel sheets-so good had to make it to the list twiceJ run run run to the store and buys some!!!!!!

So so so much more (books! Clothes! Everything!!) but have to get out of my bed and work!!!!

And So Today...again

I look today toward the lake again-it pulls me on important days. Calls my name-tries to send me messages through the fog and snow.

So unlike life..is death. I ask him again to watch over us and take care of us, his daughter, his sons, and his wife, his grandchildren. To again do in death what he was unable to in life. I feel strong and powerful and spiritual as I do it. Not at all  hypocrite-but feel it is my absolute right and privilege as a child, a woman, a mother a daughter to ask for help I need. I deserve it. I am asking for it. It belongs to me.

But yet today is a different day this Jan 13 than it was last year on Jan 31. Life has continued-I ask from a different place, a different stance, a different angle.

Today we are safe. Today we are stable. Today we celebrate the courage, resilience, the strength, the love in action of a father who is not mine but who belongs to me in every way possible. Who belongs to my children. To celebrate the fact that I was able to choose right and had the strength to give my children what is rightfully theirs.

And to celebrate the fact that I can know what I deserve even now from my own father and ask for it-even if others think it may be too late. I know it is not-and it is only what I know that matters.

Tonight we celebrate the anniversary of a date that will mark our lives forever. So private-so public, so heartbreaking, so beautiful. With so much power.

Tonight we bring in family reconciled and happy-Chinese food, homemade millefeuilles that I poured love into. We sit down together as we should-and pour real wine and sparkling apple cider into wine glasses.And I look over at the man I love with our wine glasses in hand and give him that wink from the eye that I knew one day would come. We are there. We have arrived.

We celebrate from a place of not good or bad or strong or weak. Every day we are vulnerable-everyday is a different day and a new place. We celebrate from a place…of what is. What we can achieve only together as a team. We celebrate from a place of true love and of true strength-hoping together that we can continue to build on the foundation that has maybe only just begun.

And it is the lake-always the lake that pulls us in. It will always be the water of the world that calls to us and keeps us safe.It will always be the lake that gives us the hopefulness and courage to continue...building what we know is good and rightfully ours.

The ability to claim it. For it to be ours.

Control Freak

For those of you who don’t it I am a control freak. Duh???? No news there for people who know me, deal with me, love me or work with me. I have gotten better of the years for sure but just like all the other control freaks I know that surround me-we are here to stay unfortunately.

My controlling issues are largely controlled a lot of the time-but I derail under stress-and certain issues are huge triggers for me. I have had a lot of triggers lately.

My sons new work schedule is one of them. Beauty’s ski competition is another which this year since her last year we are doing almost 100 percent commitments to vs 75% in other years. Bear is training to be a pre-monitor. Chase has his permit for more than 6 months now and preparing to get his driver’s licence. Bear does 6am trainings for kayak during the week. Beauty dances many days after school and now includes Friday nights

And what do all of these things have in common? That triggers me and my control freakiness?

1-Early early mornings so no sleeping in 7 days a week now

2-I am not the one who chose them. They were hand-picked by my kids

3-There is chaos much of the time because I don’t control the schedule because they are getting too old for that (I guess).

Let’s give a few examples here:

Chases new job coincides with Beauty ski training. They are at the same hill. Her timing is already lethal enough but now his timing is 30 mins earlier and 1 hr later than her. But that is some weeks and not others and each week it changes and he might or not might find out on the Friday by email. He has to be there 9 hrs but can get paid from anywhere between 0-4 hrs but it is hugely important that he be there super early just to be sure and is there super late. If he doesn’t do this he loses his bonus which total no joke about 12 dollars for the whole season. 12 dollars total that is just to be clear.

But I have to keep in kind this is a learning experience!!!!!! Clearly for me as much as him!!!! Today I stopped holding myself back and called the supervisor to get the hours clearly understood and was basically told to…… you get the picture. And you know what I did?. I got off the phone and cried. Yup. Cried. I have my period by the way.

Kayak at 6am-what a fun schedule! Before private school where you need to be in uniform and have your lunch and computer and all has to be perfect! Yup let’s tack on another hour of sweating and showering and carpooling! When I said yes I was told that a mom would drive every morning as she liked it-but that kid doesn’t go anymore! That leaves me and the other mom (neither of us much liking getting up at 5:30am very much!)

And trust me I know all of these problems are self-imposed. We choose them as a family (why is another question I guess). We are in the sandwich part of life trying to balance what is good short term (most of it sucks!) vs what will be good for the kids long term (hopefully most of it). Short term pain for hopeful long term gain happens a lot around here lately.

Anyways the list goes on and on. This is the hard part about teens….they are deciding now  and control things themselves-it’s part of growing up and learning right? But for control freaks it is damn hard because we know for sure we do it better so wouldn’t it just be simpler to skip the learning and juts follow me and listen to me? And ps while they control the schedules  we still have to drive.

I mean last week I was taking a restorative yoga on a Friday night and I was worried the whole time that because I left Chase and his girl at home alone that in 9 months I might have a grandbaby???? And this is supposed to be relaxing and restorative for  me. Try again.

(I think my husband must not divorce me simply just to avoid not having to share custody of the kids with me. Talk about a trigger for a schedule control freak. I think he is happier just dealing with this! He and I are both very clear that I would not be an easy partner to be divorced to. Better to keep me under the same roof and cage me when I lose it.)

Raising teens is very very hard. Especially if you try and do it the “right” way vs the “easy” way (once in a while I try very hard) Raising three teens at the same time is downright heartbreaking for someone like me who delights in writing activities in agendas and ticking them off as they happen.

I decided I was wrong and I am not ready to write a book about teens specifically  yet. I need another year of failure behind me before I start judging yours dear readers.

2 blog posts on same day! I must really need to vent!

Stops and Starts

Since Jan 1 I have been keenly aware of “finding my flow”. And the books claim that the best way to find it is to be more in tune with your desires. Look almost as an outsider of things you like doing-or don’t like doing- and take notice of them. Also of trends in your life of likes and dislikes and how you feel about them.

Well so far here is what it is shaping up to be (can’t say I am overly proud of my observations)

Like doing to the point I would never want to stop doing them at any point:

Sitting or lying on any couch or chair surface

Reading- lying down

Writing- sitting up with covers around me

Making lists-in any position

Sleeping pretty much anywhere at anytime

Eating yummy things

Texting (I know it could be an addiction for me so I put a lot of limits on it but I adore it)

Going into Jacuzzis outside

Getting massages

Spending time with my  husband and/or kids especially if it involves eating, sitting lying down or in a Jacuzzi

Here are things I also notice I like a lot

1-   Being very busy all the time

2-   Working

3-   Talking with my friends or Mom on or seeing them in person

4-   Doing yoga, long walks outside in all seasons, skating and any summer lake sport

Things I dislike:

-Mondays

-cooking

-cleaning

-packing

-starting vacation

-ending vacation

-not being busy (odd for someone who does so much sleeping and lying around eh?)

Trends

-I find it really hard to pull myself away from things . I dread the end of activities I like or work ending  and being interrupted. If I am liking what I am doing at work or at home-juts want to continue and resent to move to the next needed thing (therefore lots of resentment of interruption in,my life!!!)

-have a hard time with starts and ends of things

-I find constantly in my life even though I love lying around reading and writing I seem to never get to do these things a lot or for very long. I am always walking up for something, packing for something and running to something

-I am physically exhausted