Articulation of Loveliness

They say we all find our love and joy of life in various moments-and usually these moments hold a thread for us. Moments that takes our breath away. A BFF and a few others I have read call them “thin places” places where heaven and earth seem to come together. Others call them “in the flow” or “moments of joy.” They all make sense to me.

Mine very very often come from seeing my loved ones-especially our children, in relationships with others they cherish. Friendships, loves. For me it gives me that true glimpse into their souls..Deeply who they are without us guiding the. Who they are without us, which are our ultimate roles as parents. To grow them and set they free. It is always bittersweet for me as I often feel as though each time I see this joy in them for someone else there is a part of them I lose. 

For me it always has been and always will be “togetherness” that is my thin places. Surrounded by each other and love and friendship. Making that space for that togetherness to bloom and always ensuring I am never busy being too busy to do so.

Bear’s thirds celebration was his girlfriend coming over for a nice dinner and Beauty’s BFF coming over too (Chase was on grad ski trip). We set up the dining room nice and cozy and had a beautiful evening over fancy raclette. It was so peaceful and cozy and nice. Everyone was so happy. I loved seeing the gentleman the Bear is. With manners and warmth and goodness. I adore his girlfriend (I have to stop myself from adoring her so much as they are so young at 15 yrs. old and I could just eat this girl up she is so lovely). I loved seeing Beauty and one of her favorite long-time friends dance for us and plan their weekend together upcoming at our cottage. I loved the relationships I have with not only my own children but they people that matter to them. These are my thin places as it gives me insights into the future. Their futures. Our futures.

Our children and I are our best selves with the ones we love. We bloom in friendship.

There is nothing more I want in the wold than to be a close part of our children’s lives as they have their own lives and family. Hubby and I have not discussed this much between us yet but even the other day he articulated it so nicely himself making me realize how much of the same page we are on this future “I hope I am alive and well for our children. I would choose a day each week for each  of them and go to their homes and fix all the stuff that is broken and make a nice meal for them for when they come home from work and do all the grocery shopping” I picture this too and helping them raise their kids too. Funny as this sounds strange to me even but it is what I want in my heart. To be a big and close part of raising grandchildren and also making our three kids lives easier and carrying the load of adulthood with them. We want this. Will it work out that way? Will they want this too? Maybe not and we would adapt and adjust to that too and whatever their hearts desire-but probably yes. I can’t imagine a more beautiful life for all of us. A village. I am old fashioned this way.

Beauty’s friend’s mom got at our palace too early to pick up Charlotte so she came in for about mins and joined us for desert (torsional bay BIG cookie for Bear) and we sat and joked and talked and laughed. We have known her for years so different from us, so full of laughter and so free, we have always adored her.

It was a lovely dinner and made me realize that what I am losing a lot now as the kids get older; I am also gaining in other ways.

We couldn’t have asked for more beautiful evening really.

And I am so thankful for this blog to give me the space to be able to record and remember what so often without this blog would get lost in the shuffle and busyness of life. Thank you sister savvy for providing me this idea years ago-it is priceless for m and has added to the quality of my life immensely to have the place for creative expression.

A few other lovely moments this weekend. Much Better than the disaster of last weekend!!!

this weekend our hearts felt freer after finally some good medical news for Beauty where spinal fusion is unlikley

To Breathe Again

I am posting what I wrote to frinds and family early yesterday morning from hospital. We are so lucky to have the support we do..thank you all soooo much!!!

Hi Everyone

Thought I would answer properly by email as so many nice texts early this morning. Beauty is fineJ)) Her X-rays are exactly where they were at 6 months ago which is great news! Her curve holds at 35 degree which is really great considering she has grown over 6 months. She is now 5’5 feet tall!

Both of her braces (day and night) are doing their job well. She was also fitted for a new night brace today which we will receive in 3 weeks and she will  wean into...(pics above!)

Phew….this was a BIG relief and a very important appointment as now she is at what is considered Riser 2 which is a lot closer to finishing her growth than when she started this journey.(Risser 0). Once reaches Risser 4 she will not need bracing. She is almost halfway there likely
She will remain in brace for likely18months (maybe  a little more or less) but spinal fusion surgery is very unlikely at this point unless she is a very unlucky case

And that? Is great news!

I have attached a little short dance that Beauty horeographed for an exam at school. There is nothing extraordinary about it-one of her more basic and simpler ones but reminds me of how lucky she is and we are in this journey that she can still dance this way despite all the obstacles she has and still faces daily with scoliosis.

There is something about this particular dance that touches me and reminds me of the resilience  and strength of our daughter to be able to do so well physically and emotionally in wearing two body braces 20 hours per day over such a long period.. Who she is at the core I find comes through this little short clip and the grace in which she is handling all that is and is and has been  coming her way.

.I wanted to share it with you on this happy day.

The Sex Book

 

I give a lot of big presentations at work. It’s a part of my job whether it is a 5 minute update to the leadership team or a presentation in from of hundreds of Associates or a 5 day training course. I am used to it-but never really get used to it. I am fine days before and even hours before-and then I start getting really nervous about an hour before.

My presentation is in 25 mins. And I am going to write a blog about sex books now. And the answer is “no I don’t write blogs from work” (or very seldomlyly anyways). I need to keep myself sane right now and my mind off of work.

My Mom and I were having a conversation about sex a few weeks ago (uck yuck yuck I know). It is rare. She often tries to discuss stuff like this with me and fails. Just as she tries to get a glimpse of my boobs when I change. It’s usually just not going to happen. You see my mom is much more of a hippie and much less conservative that her corporate daughter. She tries and tries over the years with little success to convert me. She succeeded a few weeks ago and I confided in her a few little things.

 

And then she told me she had a great book to lend me. About sex.

 

I was looking forward to the weekend and reading and learning from this great book she mentioned that would save my soul.

So I snuggle by the fire and open it and the book is a bunch of naked people pictures!!! With large large writing for like old blind people! And the naked people are really UGLY too. And mostly they are old too! It is gross. WTF Mom!!!

 

I tried to find some hidden buckets of gems in this book but just picture after picture of very embarrassing things happening to people who have varicose veins and cellulite and dimples on their butts and saggy boobs and potbellies. Somehow I was not so sure this would solve my issues. I really did not feel too inspired!

 

I kept at it though as surely my Mom would not lend me a book of weird porn? Or an instruction manual for the 75yrs and over age group of how to spruce up your sex life?

Well I got to the end and it just got weirder and weirder as the nakesd people  in it started being really really bad. Without thinking I just abandoned the book and thought about something (anything else!)

 

That evening I was in a silly teasing mood-happens only a few times a month so have to take advantage of it. I decide to go and flash a picture from the book in Chase’s face (ok ok I get it not appropriate! I am not perfect and do have some of my parent’s genes afterall!) And he FREAKS out!!! And runs after me all over the cottage trying to get the book and locking him into bathroom to “read” it! Thank goodness the two younger ones were not around for this spectacle. I loved hearing his laughing from the locked door. I secretly hoped that this book would turn him off sex forever. It probably did-if it didn’t there is something wrong with my son. We had a good laugh together nonetheless. And I think my son was too taken by anyone naked in pictures to realize they are not the cutest bunch..

 

I hid the book in the bottom of my husband’s clothes drawer in our room. Well last weekend Chase did homework in there. And searched for the book and looked at every single picture!!!!!!!! He is 17 yrs. old…I guess it is time and ok but still? Is it ever time to see such a book owned by your parent nonetheless????? Is it ever?

 

I just felt I should follow the hippy mom route and provide this experience to my first born. Then he clearly won’t have any unrealistic expectations of woman’s beauty or sex! That book took care of all that.

 

So now I am ready for my presentation. I have knocked the hippy silly genetics out of me and back into my corporate self. I am wearing a little tiny bit of risky but still very professional outfit.

 

Who knows maybe the book did inspire me in ways I cannot even begin  imagine.

Thanks Mom..I guess?

 

Girl Only

(And no it is not about Shades of Grey!!!) That will be after Feb 20 when I see it.

If you are a boy you can’t read this. And if you are a boy who works with me please just let go ok? (What are you doing reading my blog anyways??)

It is so odd. Every month 24 hrs before I get my period I have a vivid dream the night before that I get my period. And it is always at a time when I don’t want my period in my dream.  (Although do we ever want it really?) I wake up an am sure I have period, but then don’t have it. And then 24 hrs later get it.

And it is not that I am so regular or anything so this is odd.

What it shows me is the power of the hormones and the female body all connected to female intuition. The body and mind are connected-and the mind knows and so does the body that the bloody period is arriving (pun intended)

For me although periods are not necessarily clockwork (and sometimes are) there are some very predictable elements to this time of month. Since I don’t want any more babies I find menstruation more and more of a lost cause and an annoyance as it truly has no purpose in my life.

-about 4 days before it is 100% certain I will get in a huge fight with either my husband or one of the kids or all of the kids and my husband. During this fight limited to about once a month, if we are luck that month, I will lose it and be screaming and crying a lot. This is so not my fault. I cannot control it .

-I will be tired and irritable about 2 weeks before my period. So generally half the month I am sweet as pie (probably sweeter than most) and half the month I am a bitch (really bad). I am quite pleased as before two years ago it was about 3 months and 4 days I was irritable leaving about 4 days a month (with blood) that I was pleasant to live with. Now it is two whole weeks!

-after I get my period I am so…calm. And serene…and happy and peaceful for a few…moments...hours...days

I thought about this today because the hormones affect me to this level imagine what this does to teens with their constant raging hormones? We can’t get to irritated and angry with them-as their bodies are out of control! Seriously I bet they feel like I do the 4 days before my period pretty much all the time. We can’t hold them liable for their behavior then can we? They are hormonal messes! Let’s see if I remember this next time our teens pull something that irritates me (everyday)

Like this morning after thousands and thousands of times of me telling Beauty to make sure clothes not on floor in mornings and lamp off as a fire hazard-I walk into her room that she was supposed to have cleaned last night and what do I see? I see no floor at all-that is how bad it is. And two lamps on. It was and is pathetic and I am at a loss for words. But hey maybe it is her hormones!!! Yes let’s blame everyone’s bad characteristics in the house and their disobedience on that!

My daughter has had her period for 10 months now and thank goodness she and I are pretty much on the same cycle. And similar moods too. (poor men in our home)Tonight we are both in good moods..and we had fun. Can’t wait until next month to catch a glimpse of that again.

If you are a boy and you arrived to this point…you are a bad bad boy. And you deserve feeling a little awkward. And so do I!

A Bear turns 15!!

One of the sweetest guys on earth turns 15 yrs old today. I actually have in my mind thought of him as 15 or even older for the last year or so so it shocks me to realize today that he is only turning 15!

This is him all the way:)

my handsome guy and now even 4 inches taller than this!

always surrounded by good people and friends

watersports always with his bro

this morning

For his b-day he had three friends come over afterschool and play video games. Then they took skates and hockey sticks to rink. we went a night early to a really nice Italian restaurant that he has never tried before. Our family, and three great buddies of Bear. Last minute Didi could not come as she is really not well these days so that was sad. But she came over and gave Bear his bday bag and he said it was the best one he ever had…his friends said it was “sick!”) (ps that is a compliment).

Bear texted me at school and asked to invite the third friend as was his bday too that week-I thought that was kind of him and generous to think about other people’s feelings so said yes. It was a great night with fun and laughs and good (expensive!) food.Maybe next time we go a little less fancy. But was nice to celebrate Bear-and he raved about the food. He got very generous gifts from his friends that will help him pay for the skis he has to buy as his were stolen this weekend and he had not locked them up so his is payingL(( After the resto the boys came back for more NHL playing and after they left at 10pm Bear sneaked and stayed up until 11:30pm on a schoolnight that is.

resto chilling out with the guys

blurry pic of the gang!

And then this morning on the real day we covered the table in gifts and had cinnamon buns and candies and stuck 15 dollars under his chair. Tonight Hubby out so juts a night at home maybe watching a movie and hopefully Didi well enough to come by for some dessert. I might just even grab Bearrand take him for a Harvey’s hamburger…because Harvey’s makes a hamburger a beautiful thing right???

Tomorrow night we have Bear’s girlfriend for dinner and doing something a little fancier than a normal Thursday night dinner. Raceltte which is his favorite and a little chocolate brownie dessert with homage fudges sauce. This weekend Bear has a buddy coming to cottage to ski and play hockey-which will be nice as with Chase at job and Beauty at competition he is alone at ski hill so is very excited about this weekend.

(Pics to be inserted after tomorrow of this dinner)

Bear this year. How can I describe him?

Growing like a beanstalk! (To the dismay of his older bro he is a little  taller than him now and grew about 4 inches in last two months!)\

Changing. Voice is deepening; face is changing….becoming a man

Acts way older than 15 yrs. . So mature. and so immature all at the same time! But he is really a precious gift to have as a child. I have been asked many times to clone him.

Eccentric as ever!!!! Weird sounds are his trademark..never ending series of eccentricities from this guy.

So smart. So compassionate. So empathetic. So bright. So kind. So hard headed. So annoying and in your face. So so so much of everything. When I see how he acts in front of other adults I am truly impressed. At his age I did not have even a fraction of his manners and confidence etc –it impresses me to no end how he acts with adults. His girlfriend’s parents seem to want marriage now!!! lol

I can’t imagine for one moment I wished this kid to be a girl. What a waste of brain cells.

Doing amazingly well in school-super strong athlete-girlfriends now for 8 months (great girl juts way too young to be as serious-but he knows how to choose the great ones!) great friends..Great future ahead. And best part is he works hard for it all. Not a slacker at all. Gives 100 % to anything and maybe even more.

Happy bday to our wonderful Bear. Fiercely and Forever.

Mama

who he is -riding the waves 

Forgiveness

I think if there is one lesson in life I learnt -it  was about forgiveness. I was truly taught this lesson.

In a work envormpment nonetheless. In front of about 13 colleagues. Learnt about my personal life in front of my professional life. It was transformational for me and changed the course of my life in many ways since that day about 5 yrs ago.

Since then the words” Forgiveness is for You” have always stayed with me.

Again yesterday in a beautiful fiction book I finished the main character  goes on to say:

“No matter what a choice always belongs to you” How true! Empowering to know that that can never ever be taken away from you.

And that “Forgiveness is so much easier than resentment. As hard as it may be you only have to do it once. Resentment is felt and carried wish you each and every day”

Forgiveness can apply to huge, almost unforgivable situations or for the simpler everyday mistakes that a family member or friend can make. In most situations you feel you need to forgive without the person really accepting responsibility to the degree that you feel is appropriate. You often feel you are right and they are in the wrong. Often they don’t say sorry.

It is so much easier to forgive .And feels so much better

I would add though that for me forgiveness is necessary to move on but so is communication. I think it needs to be stated what was wrong and how you experienced it. I think the person needs to know or you are not doing yourself any favors or them any favors either. For me the best gift in life you can give another human being is the gift of your honest feedback. It is also the best gift you can ever receive. It may not feel like it at the time-but will be well worth it in years to come. Someone actually cared about you enough to take the time to communicate courageously with you-count yourself lucky

.

Forgiving and moving on is hard but easier

Expressing authentically what the problem is and discussing it and then forgiving and moving on is where true courage and peace comes in.

Who do you need to forgive in your life?

STOP IT!!!

If you had not noticed already: I am a super bossy and judgmental person.

The bossy part I kind of like and works for me. The judgmental part I hate about myself and try to change it much of the time with mediocre and inconsistent success.

In the leadership course I give at work my Swiss collegue and I started playing a video clip to the mangers each session called “Stop It”. In it a woman with a phobia seeks help from the psychiatrist about not wanting to leave her house because she is scared and his answer is that he screams in her face “Stop it!”. When she admits she is scared to be buried alive in a box and what should she do he asks her to listen to him carefully and take a piece of paper out and write down the following “JUST STOP IT!”

Since that video more than a decade ago which we have shown a dozen times since-I have 1) wanted to write a booked called “Stop it!” (Which I will one day) 2) pretty much want to shout at many people many times a day the same thing.

Well last night I pulled out the entire stop it. Sometimes my dear family just drives me to the point where I simply cannot handle it anymore and yesterday was one of those days. Bear had his skis stolen. Expensive twintips. I have been reminding my kids weekly to lock up their skis with the 40 dollar locks we bought them and they ignore me. Well look what happens. Bear now has to pay all of this him…and it is hard to watch. Well the way his sister handled this situation made me literally pull on her hair. I was so disappointed in her. At dinner that night during a great conversation about our upcoming trip to Costa Rica-Chase decided to ruin it all and say he is too anxious to go and hates heat, and hates new places, and is so upset not to have free Wi-Fi-and why couldn’t we stay in a 5 sitar hotel?. And Beauty said she hates spider and crocodiles and is pretty much going to cry and whine the whole time (and she started at the table to give us a preview).

WELL I LOST IT COMPLETELY. AND NOT ONLY DID I SAY STOP IT! I SAID MANY THINGS IN BETWEEN.

I cannot handle people’s anxieties anymore, or phobias, or fears, or fear of illness, or aches and pains, or anything at all. I just want to be normal and go on vacation and have my kids count down the days like normal families do. Just be normal please? Sometimes I truly feel like an old smelly sponge who’s purpose in like is to soak up everyone else’s crap.

Did I over react? YES. Did I handle the situation as a mother should? No. No .No. Was I proud of myself? No? Did my kids feel like shit seeing me bawl like a baby and simultaneously scream volatile things at them? YES. Did I sleep all night? No.

Do I regret it? No.

Sometimes you just have enough. And this was my enough. Please please just stop being afraid of reptiles and worry you might get a headache in the heat. Plus stop using a baby voice to get your point across and tell me how change makes you anxious. And please please don’t even allude to the fact that if you can’t be on Facebook you may not want to come-because them I might seriously have to kill myself.

Technology has truly killed the world as far as I am concerned and I am seriously scared to see how this generation turns out.

STOP IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE

I am far far far from a perfect mother. And I am happily admitting it.

Not every weekend is a good one. This one sucks.