I remember a particular situation that happened over 10
years ago as though it was yesterday. A friend of mine Johanne and I were at my
old cottage for the week with out 5 kids combined under the age of 7yrs old.
With 5 kids around there was not much girl time or time
to quietly chat. There seemed to always be someone hungry, or having a need for
something, or fighting, or crying, or falling or wanting us to look at them
dancing. When we did get an uninterrupted half an hour of blissful peace and
quiet with the kids playing well together and fairly silently……I was in heaven
personally. I was so thankful and happy for the time to chat with my friend and
we got into great conversations.
She on the other hand would talk for about 10 mins tops
then excuse herself…go get a new toy or craft she brought for the kids.
Interrupt them from their quiet play…show them how to use the new craft…play it
with them for a little while…and then come back after about 30 minutes had passed
to continue the conversation.
I remember very clearly thinking she was crazy.
After a week of this I simply asked her: “Why in God’s
name do you feel you need to interrupt the kids when they are finally playing
quietly and well and why would you leave your moments of relaxation we are
finally getting together to go play with the kids?” I was not accusing her..just trying to
understand why oh why???
Her answer: Because I expect
(and I know) that within a few minutes the kids will start misbehaving
because they are kids. I expect that
things will get a bit chaotic. So expecting
it I fend it off my diverting them, distracting them and rewarding their good
behavior before the expected bad
stuff happens. I too just want to be able to sit and talk together for as long
as possible and this is my way of doing it
So here two ladies both try to do the same thing in to
very different ways. Two sets of expectations. Mine were that our kids should be good and we deserved that…and her
thinking that likely is kids will not be good and that she should prepare for
that. And over the years I have realized neither is right or wrong or works or
doesn’t work. What it has led me to think about more about expectations.
Expectations have been on my mind for a month now and I
notice that mine are often much higher than many others in many situations. In
other situations lower than others. I am noticing the impact each scenario has
on me.
“Her surgery went well. Recovery is really really hard,
we are all very tired. She is grumpy and irritable and out of sorts as expected
after a major surgery”
“Yes both my boys have often been hyper or less focused
in school and I was asked to get one tested by the teacher. I have been
expecting this for years”
“My five year old wakes up a few times a night because
she is scared of the dark and comes into my room for comfort. I expect it as I
read somewhere that at age five night terrors are really common”
“I got laid off and was very upset, but knew it was
coming because of the fiscal year the company had. I prepared myself and
expected it. When it happened I was just thankful for the great severance
package I got”
“I love my husband he is great. He forgot to celebrate Valentine’s
Day. But that is just how men can me sometimes”
None of these above comments can I really related to.
They are not my language at all. Below is what normally goes through my head:
“Why can’t my kids just do there chores like everyone
else’s kids??? I put so much time and effort into planning systems why is my
house so messy??”
“Why can’t she just tell us more info about the new
successors and our bonuses? I want to know all of it now and not wait!”
“Why can’t she have a boyfriend or husband by now? She is
so beautiful and wonderful and caring-shouldn’t she want to have a partner for
all of the rest of her life?”
“Why don’t I feel more excited it is the weekend and why
am I not having more fun? I love my family-shouldn’t I be happier to be home
with them”?
“Why can’t I be closer to him/her? What is wrong with our
relationship?”
“Why doesn’t he have more friends and be invited to more
parties? Why doesn’t he even seem to care if he does or doesn’t?”
And in writing this and processing it all as I do…..I realize
that my AHA moment has occurred already:
My expectation
of life is way, way too high!!!!!!!!!!!
Now for those of you who know me well this may not come
as a shock to you but it does to me. And in my defense…it is part of who I am
and makes me who I am and has done for me really well in most areas of my life.
It has been because of those high expectations that I have been able to have
and do and be many things that I am. Expectations are important. Very
important.
That being said…I think it is now time to lower mine.
Because of all the hard work, and due diligence, and years and years and years
and years of expecting, I think I get to lower mine now because I think many of
the seeds have been planted, and are growing on their own.
I think.
And I am not sure yet…I can begin losing control a bit. (omg did I just write
this?????)
Like an engineer that builds the plane for decades and
lets it go fly. Or the conductor who watches his soloist on the stage playing
the violin alone. Or the VP who takes a day off and lets his team handle the
important stuff. You get to relax a bit because your work has been done and
done again. You get to start enjoying don’t you?
My Mom said something really simple the other day that I
thought was really silly at the time. I was complaining to her about how often
I feel bored on the weekends even though I look forward to this time all week
because life is so hectic. But then when go to that play with a friend, or have
a dinner with my family, or ski with neighbors..even though I should be
enjoying it often I feel a slight sense of boredom.Eventhough I crave it and look forward to it. What is wrong with me Mommy?
My Mom said “that is because your expectations are too high.
Why should you think that you should always enjoy it so much”?
Well because I like those people! Well because I should
love going to a play with my Mom and a BFF! Well because who would not love a
great family dinner at a cottage!!!! Who would not want to be off on the weekend with their family??
“I just think that each day is different. Some are great,
others good, and most so-so. Others are crap. I would expect that most of life
is more difficult and hard and that when a great day comes along it is pretty
lucky. Most days you should expect to be so-so and average”
Really????
Really???????????? Really!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This sounds even worse than expecting mediocrity! This
sounds like expecting sub below zero!!!
But
all week this silly, silly comment stuck with me.
And as the week went on I began testing it out for fit. And you know what..? It
was pretty darn relaxing I must add. All of my expectorations thoughts still
did occur in my mind but I attached no more than a mental thought to them. No
action, no behavior..and just let them go. Let them happen….notice them….move
on.
So Valentines came and went with us in our normal cozy
PJS while we watch people on TV trying as hard as they could in lingerie trying
as hard as they could to have sex, I got some super scary news on Monday from
my Mom which normally would put me in a stage of high high alert and I have
been letting my scared thoughts seep through but not overwhelm my life
entirely, I am likely going to be trying out Concerta very soon for my son, but he still
has no idea how to swallow an Advil, my jeans for a party tonight have not been
washed and so the butt looks funny. All of it sucks.
However things are shifting in my brain. After years and years and years of trying to have my kids
pick up after themselves..they still often do not and I had a dream last night
that I actually had a smile on my face and looked at them and said “gosh guys
you drive Mommy a little crazy”
I am
starting to become the person I have always been meant to be slowly slowly and
surely. And you know what? This person is going to be awesome.
You know why? Because she has had a lifetime of expecting and controlling and
work and work and work behind here. This girl has made things happen in life.
And that powerful combination will be thrilling. I can
feel it. There were fruits of labor to be proud of, goals to be had, and
strategies to be made. Plans to be created. Maybe now maybe she can explore slightly
different side the combo of herself. Be more accepting, be less in control, be
much more vulnerable. Imagine the combination of both? I have never even dreamed
it possible?
And maybe just maybe if I can achieve it myself…I will finally feel like I have the full
right to teach it to others. I will have done in my mind what has always
been impossible. Be a high performing achiever and a wonderful and loving and
accepting person. And a bit laid back in life. Trust me I am not there yet. Not at all-but I think I will
get there. And more than ever I am excited for this journey that if I really look at closely is half way done
And maybe now more and more it is time to let it all
start playing out in an entirely different way. Even as I write this I am
telling you the truth I feel so, so ,so so scared. I feel weak, vulnerable and
a bit off. Almost physically faint.
And you know what???? Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am excited for the combinations of the gifts of the
many many ordinary days that lay ahead and the few and brilliant extraordinary
ones that we as humans get to have.
My goal this year was “V”. It is my 2013 word. And you
know what..”V” is a whole lot about lowering our expectation of life in
gracious and wonderful ways. I am trying this out little by little.
Will keep you posted!
