It is no secret: I married my husband primarily on the
fact (amongst many others) as to the type of Husband and Father I knew he would
be. Everyone has a motivation when they get married-this was mine.
And he has not let me down.
Our children have a beautiful life because of this man. I
might be the one though think about it more, strategize it, plan it out, but he
is the ones who make it all beautiful.
He has a path –and that path will always be towards them
and towards us.
I have nightmares at night and often thinking of the
horrible thought about what would happen if something ever happened to him. If
he were not there at the weddings, if he were not there at their babies births,
if he were not there daily for them forever. I honestly can’t even go there. I
would be devastated and broken. They would be traumatized. My mind can’t even
go there. But shows the depth of his role and position in our family.
He is our happiness.
Somehow the cloud he always felt had hung over the head
all his life –he has managed to put an umbrella over us. Over me. Especially in
the last year and a half in particular.
He has fought his way back. He has become More of what he
already was. He has solidified his relationships with all of us beyond the nurturing
and caring and coma guy. He stands his own emotionally, spiritually, mentally.
He is the title of my next book “Love in Action” He set
an example for our children they will never forget, he lives it every day. He doesn’t
just talk. He does.
I was saying to a friend the other day that most people
around me, my closet people have all been divorced. Started over again.
Although it comes with heartache and choices and pain I will never fully understand because I have not
lived it-it also comes with a second chance, a place to re-invent you, a place
to grow and do it differently and better the second time. Since I know all
these people so intimately sometimes I feel like “Hey I never got a chance to
re-invent myself, I was never able to get the honeymoon twice and to be so thankful
for what I have as I never lost it!”
May sound silly to many but for me it is big reality as
married by 24yrs, three kids by 29 yrs., and now with the same man for 19 yrs.
married and 21 yrs. in total. Half of my life. My reality is very very different
than the closet people in my life and sometimes I feel very alone in this as
they share their lives so intimately with me.
But as I sit here on Father’s Day with my husband I
realize all the I do have. What my husband and I have is the shared love of
these three beautiful children now teens that we have shared every moment with
of their lives. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. Every moment is
ours since the moment they put those babies in our arms until what I am
suspecting will be the moment both of us go to our graves.
Our histories as a family are identical. As we watched
our daughter at dinner the other night, loving us, respecting us, sharing
herself with us (finally!!!) Memories poured
through our hearts. In bed that night we could not stop thinking about and
talking about her childhood and how it all played out. Last night , like so
many other weekends we sit as a family each individually or together pouring
over the digital frame we keep front and center at the cottage, that ties our
present lives to our past lives-watching those babies of ours become who there
are today.
Today I am grateful for the husband and Father I have in
our lives. So fully and so completely. So ultimately. I am grateful for our
unique situation and although I will never have what my friends had in so many ways,
they won’t have what I have either. All of us have our own More, each situation
so beautiful, so unique, so amazing, so wonderful, so…our own.
And on this day I am so blessed to also have that unique
intimacy to explore with all of those friends what each our situations has, and
does not have ingrained in it, and have the beauty of being able to be in it
all…together.
Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful Dads out there
that allow me to be so close to their lives. To the whole group of them all
with such different situations who have taught me so collectively what I have
in my life to cherish and what I will always strive and seek out for. To the
world out there who will always keep me feeling humble and grateful and yet
always keep me on my toes!
And to our Dad’s in Heaven:
Max: You would be so proud of your boy. He has taken everything
he learnt from you and that solid foundation to a whole new level. You would
love seeing the Husband and Father he is today
Grampy2-Oh I miss you so!!!!!!! The last 7yrs of your
life were the busiest of mineL I
wish I had you now Grampy2……I wish I had that time again. But I feel good that
I put it into the places that it needed to go-into your beautiful grandchildren.
Oh Grampy, I have grown into being a wonderful and caring wife and mother. Some
of your guidance shaped this evolution. I love you so much and miss you dearly.
Dad: Dad so much of my life and choices have been shaped
by you. I choose My Protector because of you-to ensure that our children were
safe, and cared for, and taught and loved. Part of that was because of what you
taught me and part of it was because I wanted them to have in a father what I
could never have myself. I have learnt so much along the way. I will always
crave the father you were not to me on earth, but always remember the deep love
you had for me too. A paradox in every sense and shape and form. I call on you often
in your death and rely on you so much more than I did in life…and this is a
true true blessing as I can feel you help me and watch out for us. Especially
health and safety wise. I truly truly
truly feel it. You have grown in your passing and matured and becoming so much more
healthy and dependable and able. Please continue to allow me to feel music in
my heart and help me to put pen to paper. Please continue to be there for me in
death as was not possible in life.
I will take that Dad.
