I have heard this analogy in many forms…rocks in backpacks..heavy
suitcase…stones in the heart . It all comes down to the concept that we as
human beings carry many heavy loads and certain things add to those loads and certain
things lighten them. I personally think most people-all of us-make our load
heavier ourselves or lighter. The power lies not with the outside world but within
us.
I have been personally been trying to lighten mine for yrs. . . . . with
varying levels of success.
This week I had 3 people tell me “that I really seem to
have my act together in my life” or a varying form of this same statement…and
this made me very happy and complimented.Because you know what? I think this is
kind of starting to be true…finally
I HAVE WORKED SO SO FRIGGIN HARD ON MY SELF. YEARS AND
YEARS OF TRANSFORMATION AND THERAPY AND SELF AWARNMESS.IT IS ALMOST CRAZY HOW
MUCH IN TIME I SPEND TRYING TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER-EXPLORING CHILDHOOD-GOING TO
DARK DEEP PLACES…..FIGURING OUT MOTHERHOOD AND MARRIAGE..WORKING WORKING
WORKING…
Ahh….I sorta feel like 2015 is there year where it will
fully show.
I ironically always started with the bigger stuff-get
those rocks out of my knapsack first. The hard stuff, the really hard stuff. And
I amen really really hard people..
And the more stones I unload, the more place I have to
fix the little stuff! It’s so true! And I see it in people all around me-people
who are not at peace, who hold grudges and repress things and don’t deal with
what hurts them. People who want to be happy but come across to the world as
bitter, people who want so much but can’t have it..Because they have not faced
the true demons yet. People who have not said sorry when they should-people who
have not forgiven those who have done them harm.Their knapsacks are wearing
them down. And each time a difficult situation comes up- they resort to
dysfunctional behaviors and derail. It’s totally what I did and have done for
years…..
Until
now.
So now my little stuff is making me proud.
-I have room in my head and heart to get healthy! Over
the last 7 weeks I have lost 6 lbs. and more importantly have found an eating lifestyle
that I will likely stick to forever. It is healthy, and good for me, and feels
right, and makes me slowly but surely shed lbs. in a healthy way that I don’t feel
I am depriving myself in most ways. I feel good
-My blood pressure is normal! 114/80 yesterday! I have toughed
out 4 weeks with awful side effects on what felt like a drug from hell…and now
each day is getting a bit better. Maybe I will need to change eventually as
side effects hard-but maybe I just had to tough it out.
-I am exercising 4 mornings a week-power walking always
by the lake
-Our finances are getting in order after 18 years. I know
now how much we spend on groceries and cable and clothes! OMG. This was imposed
on us as in a bit of a financial bind right now-but nonetheless it is making us
look at all this scary stuff
-And I wash my face every night. I am a Fancy Face again.
I know these things are not life altering-but they are for me. They have been on
my to do and resolutions lists for about a decade now….and now I am doing them!
And why? Oh why? Oh why? Why now???
Because I have freed some big emotional energy-some feelings.
I am fully authentic and living life from my head and heart in sync. I have
worked my ass off to get here.And I have almost arrived. And I hopefully will have
by that end of 2014. My year from hell in fact has thought me to live and
forced me to live to my full potential. The career will come next..in about 5 yrs…
Soulkeeper told me a few years ago-never ever to give up
therapy until you have the feeling of complete peace-that no situation will
ever take away from you-because it belongs
to you. She said true transformation is when you have this. I am not fully
there but well well on my way-I can see the light of it. And when Soulkeeper and I discussed we realized that this
does not come free at all. You have to put in the work to get it..Have to bear
your soul fully and authentically. 100 percent. And go through all the hard
stuff and face it…and FEEL it. I feel free. I feel like I have found the treasure
chest in the ocean and I have unlocked it and am slowly but surely swimming up
to the surface with its heavy load in my arms...ready to take a breath of air.
Finally.
And you know what? I think I am armored to carry more suitcases
and more rocks when they come my way (which they most certainly will) I think I
can also carry them better now.And I am reaching for the hands of my loving husband
and children and family and friends. to help me carry life’s load. To share it with them even if just a little bit at a time.
It’s starting to feel complete.
and that is how it is all occuirng to me.
and that is how it is all occuirng to me.
