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| me-peaceful |
We celebrated my birthday 2 days in advance this year as
Bear will be away and I will be offsite at a hotel downtown for work. today is the real day:)
We had dinner at my Mom’s and it was such a nice evening.
Was it the company? The food? The gifts? The laughter? Was it watching my three
teens as such different people than they were last year interact? Was it the
pride I felt at how graciously they thanked their Grandma for the lovely
evening? Was it the thoughtful gifts and words I received from all? Was it
pride…in the life we have created? The big loblaws yummy cake? The way Chase
sat and talked so maturely and humorously “my teeth at the dentist are as clean
as my language” , or Bear putting his arm around Didi and telling me “be nice
to your mommy!” or Beauty…asserting herself at the table to tell her stories,
articulate her feelings, interrupting and making her space. The French. All
their language-so beautifully spoken
It was
all of that and more.
Being with my family with my Mom always grounds me.
Centers me. And I know that it is always good time spent. Always. I am so
excited to spend more family time this Thanksgiving weekend
And it was funny because it was such a simple evening. On
my way there I was praying nobody else was invited as surprise. I am on a new medication
for higher blood pressure and the side effects horrible and I almost was not
well enough to come and had warned my Mom. She shifted the menu at the last minute
and had almost made a recipe I would not eat! The kids had big exams and so had
to come just for the dinner part and not the drinks and appetizer part.
Everything was heading in the wrong direction. My Mom was in the hospital a
week ago and probably not up to cooking so soon! But we all carved out space
and energy for each other and made the time for what is important.
I am not usually caring too much about gifts….I love them
but not what a birthday is for me . But the ones last night? Each one touched
my heart for a different reason. And the words and the cards. I have always
been a little disappointed in my kids on the birthday side to be honest. Last minute
little gifts and cards and you can tell they don’t like parting from their
money or time. They don’t go out of their way to make me and Hubby feel special
or each other in the past necessarily. Not one of their strengths. Has always
made me a little sad.
Well this year. Magical. Each one beautiful card with
long and meaningful words.
Each gift so thoughtful and careful chosen (including a sparkly
scrunchie and bodywash for the shower, a totally over generous gift card to
Chapters and a new charm of a palm tree for my charm bracelet with a full description
of why that charm was chosen (represents that time we take out at the cottage
and vacation to be a family and cuddle..awwwww..and represents 2014 for Chase.
As I looked at them all and soaked up the scene and happenings….I
felt so treasured and these words came to my mind
“In 2014…you
have finally been fully the Mother you have always wanted to be. And what they
have needed. This is it Girl. I have
become a leader at home in the way I lead at work: I lead from the head and the
heart most of the time now simultaneously. Finally.
I realized then this was no different than any year.
Their feelings were a direct reflection of how they felt exactly that year.
There was no expectation from me, no wants, no advice about bdays…it was all straight
from their hearts. And this
year? Their hearts were full. And every single bit of
heartache we have been through this year was wound up in those cards for me all
beginning with” Mom…2014 was hard…”or wow 2014 Mom..”They realized we got through
as a family..They realized we did not let them down when it would have been so
easily to. They saw their Mom and Dad as fighters. They got to see Love in
Action.
And my Mom’s birthday basket was sooo nice. Honestly full of everything
I love and so carefully chosen and wrapped. And Hubby’s gift was gorgeous –a new
work bag so beautiful and a bunch of treats inside. I was made to feel very
special this year.
These are my people. And I love them to the core.
I got a new haircut today. I put my scale away and just
admired in the mirror how my dress is fitting a little bit better since all my
emphasis on protein lately. I wore a favorite dress. I am going out to dinner
tonight with my colleague I wrote the book with from Swiss and Souklpeeer is
joining us for dessert as I need them to meet!
Tomorrow I am offsite at a great hotel for a program and tomorrow
night between meetings and business dinners Beauty and Hubby (and maybe Chase)
will come watch Parenthood with me and maybe even sleep at the hotel for my
real birthday.
We have never ever been as broke as we are right now, or
have had as much medical bills as we do, business for my husband is at a record-breaking
low and the side effects of my new med are at a record breaking high. My Mom is
still unwell most days of the week, and my daughter is in a brace 20 hrs. A day
for another two years, Chase has to yet again change ADD drugs and my boys are
both starting to truly grow up to fast for me in too many ways and too early
for my liking. There is no alcohol in our lives or house or at social events anymore
and each day and learning to adapt to other ways to comfort and handle the stress
of life as a team and a couple.
But you know what? In return? I got PEACE. The missing
link I have always been searching for.
And I can’t wait to tell my cherished collegue tonight
who has been a mentor for me for so many areas in my life..And has kept me
disciplined with good habits in my search for sun: that I seem to be here now.
And just at the point that my village thought I might crumple? I have found
Peace.
And I know what he will say: that he is proud of me.
At at my early bday dinner last night-I felt proud of my
little family. And excited for the future whatever it may hold.
and today on my actuall bday so much love already from friends and family and collegues and accountants, and everyone.
I am truly a lucky lucky girl. all so thoughtful and heartfelt. I feel like a princess
