“The root of all suffering,” the
Buddhists say, “is the desire for things to be different than they are.”
After a long and grueling week of
waiting-we have returned form the orthopedic surgery pediatric unit.
Beauty defiantly has moderate (not mild)
scoliosis. She will be braced 18-23 hrs per day for approx. 3 yrs. And I am now,
almost overnight I am the Mom to a talented, beautiful, athletic dancer and
skier who has adolescent idiopathic thoracic single curve scoliosis for
the rest of her lifetime.
Our world has changed in a way that we
never asked for it to change.
Do we ever have the choice?
Everyone has something to deal with.
This will be hers. This will be ours. This one is big.
I feel parts of myself coming out I
hate. Illogical-stupid -irrational feelings that are totally foreign to my soud-jealously towards everyone who has children who do not have to go though
this. Resentment at “easy stress” of others that I used to be able to relate to
and that now seem so trivial to me and probably will be for the rest of our
lives. Parts of myself I hate are emerging. Jealousy-resentment-anger. And I
can feel people pull away too-it’s just too much for everyone. And Beauty’s
situation scares people-our situation and hardship is scary right now. It has
reached record proportions. I am now the girl with a ton of problems and ones
you don’t want ever happening to you right? Or maybe it is me pulling away from
you all. Too much. Too much.
I cried and cried and cried let night
until my pillow was so wet I had to change it.
But I also knew that deep inside of me
and us…there is a new beginning too. A person in there I also love who will
emerge. A person inside of Beauty that will emerge too and make this a beginning
and not an end. Who will accept where we are at and use it at the deepest of personal
transformations for all of us. I know it is there inside and I just have to get
to it.
And for this reason and only this reason..we
will be unsinkable…..one day..we will be unsinkable…she will be unsinkable all
will be unsinkable to the pint that
people will look at us and say “I wish I got to grow, love, change and be that
way”
Suffering is the biggest of change catalysts.
I feel like our family has lived a
lifetime together in a mere 2 months.
One day.
But for today….and probably tomorrow
..and the next day after….?
I feel a pain that never in my life have
I ever felt anything close too. And unless you have had a child with serious
health issues… I can assure you….you have never even come close to feeling this
type of pain in your lifetime.
And I keep asking myself-which is completely
normal:
Why Us? ??
When the really question is: Why not Us?
