Naysayers

I read a blog this week on this subject that really spoke to me. About Naysayers..the people in your life that are often not there to encourage you-but often actually discourage you as you find your way through this thing called life.

Often it is subtle in ways. Dismissive. Alienation. You would confront the person and they would say ”Who moi???”

Often the people are not super close to you either. Could be casual acquaintances, or colleagues. The naysayers that have the more impact are the ones that are close to you, the husbands, the kids, the sisters, friends, parents. The ones that are supposed to be there for you.They are the people that don’t follow you in your dreams. Or make it mighty hard for you to achieve them with all of their negativity.

Then there are the NeutralSayers (this term and the next one I made up). They are the people in your life who you often get the feeling don’t really care on way or another about things that are very often important to you. But you are supposed to care about their lives 24/7. If you yourself bring stuff up-they will be there for you-but they won’t initiate these conversations necessarily. They won’t start them. They don’t hold dear to what is going on in your particular life. Their lives are always more important than yours. Their issues so much bigger than yours. They will ask about your life-but often out of politeness when they realize they have not asked about you in the last few months…followed by a summary of their lives.

And then there are The Yessayers. They draw you out. They pull your dreams out of you. The create your dreams with you. They nurture you as though you were their own child. When you are with them you feel loved and taken care of . Recognized and acknowledged. It doesn’t matter if your dreams and pursuits are important to them-they make it important to them because it is important to you. They bring you further than you could ever go yourself. They visualize your future before you even do. They help you get there. And are on the front row applauding you no matter what. Supporting you in whatever way they can. And part of their support is telling you if you are in danger. Tough love can be a big part of yessaying.

In reading the other blog I did about Naysayers…I agree that often the reasons are less about you and more about them that they are not supportive (the same goes for neutralsayers). Often whatever is happening to you (especially if it is good) impacts them somehow and they feel negativity. Jealously, inadequacy, envy, loneliness, loss etc. (instead of expressing it to you-they naysay you. They make things that are big for you seem small to them. Or irrelevant to them.

Weddings bring this out in lots of people. Finding the perfect partner. Writing a book. Starting a blog. Having your son go to medical school. Getting a promotion. Having a new baby. Sometimes if you know a lot of naysayers and neutralsayers, some of the biggest milestones of your life can be so very lonely without them .

What is important to remember is that the issue always lies with them and not you. It’s not something you did or did not do .It’s often a lack of self awareness on their part I think.

The yessayers have more confidence in themselves and their circumstances. Have more security. They take your projects and news as your and not a reflection of their own lives. If they are jealous they get over it. If they feel inadequate they deal with it. It is about you and not them. They are able to out themselves aside and be there for you and nurture you. They make space in their lives to multitask and space for you . If you are lucky enough to have  yessayer or many in your life-you know that feeling of warmth, security and love. They are the very first people you will call and shout out your big news with huge excitement and passion. They feel excited about what you are excited about.

So are you a naysayer, a neutralsayer or a yessayer? Which do you want to be? Which do the people you love think you are?

I asked myself that question. I think I can be a naysayer with some people and a yes sayer with others. I am never a neutral sayer with anyone.

My naysay is more a devil’s advocate role which I am sure must be very annoying at times. It is the want to be lawyer part of me that likes to explore every single angle of stuff and ruffle some feathers. Its intellectual candy for me to take an opposing view and makes me more clearly on my own. I try to be supportive but sometimes feel it must come across as naysay. (but  an extremely supportive naysay). Something I have to explore more and work on. Sometimes I think I can really break people’s bubbles especially if it is an issue that is super important to me and we disagree. Hard for me to support something that scares me for the other person and makes me feel they are ruining their life in some serious way. This can make me naysay. When there is something positive going on..I am not a naysayer.

Yessay is strength for me. I am there for the people I love pointe finale. I think I remember what is important to them most of the time and take active interests in their lives even through my own crap. Maybe not to everyone but to the people I love most.. Sometimes I feel envious and jealous but I admit that to myself when it happens and sometimes even acknowledge it to the person too. And then move onto their stuff taking with me the learning of my negative emotion. I love supporting the people I love. If everyone I loved had a blog I would be reading it every night. I love looking deep deep into people and getting to know them intimately. I love understanding the people I love and their lives.

But the truth is as one of my BFFs told me a few years ago I am a better friend when someone is unhappy than happy. It is true. I have changes a lot since this feedback and realization but interesting for me to analyze why that was..or is? I think people run to me when things go badly because I am a great problem solver..decision maker and very directive. But that is not the only reason…..there are others for me to explore.

So the next time your special someone announces some great and exciting news (or sad news)..analyze what happens inside for you ? And what happens outside? How do you make that person feel? Is it how you would want to be treated? How would that person react to you in the same situation? And then decide if you are not where you ought to be and take action towards yes saying.

Life is too short for the envy, jealousy and inadequacy that we all feel. And life is also too short to be the type of friend who the universe only revolves around you and your issues as we all have many. There is a particular blog I read that often makes me feel a certain negative way. The other day I really thought about it and said to myself ” Hey you know what she has a great life..what parts of it do I want more of? How do I get those?

And then it is up to me to make that happen if that is what I decide I want. And support the happiness of others. Or the sadness.

Relationships involve more than one person. For them to be sustained on a true, sincere and authentic level they need to involve more than one person.