When I get back from a vacation a few things are always
for sure:
-I gain 2 lbs if one week and 4 lbs if 2 weeks
-I have 1 very hectic week if I was away 1 week and 2
very hectic weeks if I was away 2 weeks
-I always get all my work done and caught up.
-I always lose the vacation weight I gained.
This time I gained 3 lbs and have 3 very hectic weeks of
work catching up.
So
of course I have to deprive myself with les food and do more exercise.
The exercise part is hard in and of itself considering
that except for sleep all my hours are filled catching up with work and home.
But I did it anyways, walking, gym and weights, yoga. By Friday afternoon at
5pm I figured I deserved my restorative yoga session which I adore and it is not
for exercise but for decreasing stress only. The sessions are 1.5 hrs. And only 8 poses are done and each one half
for about 7 minutes. But poses that are to stretch (vs work out) and relax. They
are amazing and you almost fall asleep. Leaving this class you almost feel like
leaving a great massage. Adore it.
Well this week there was a substitute teacher. What a disaster.
Talk about easy money to earn! She did 4 poses only and each lasted 25 mins
each. And three of them were on our back with our legs bent…how stupid. So all
she did was give three instructions the whole class, told us to breathe once or
twice and then we all pretty much fell asleep on the floor. At one point I
opened my eyes and it looked like a bunch of corpses on the floor with Indian
blankets on top of them with Hindu chants in the background. How can this be a
JOB for her?
What the hell have I gotten myself into??? This not only
does not at all help me to lose weight…it actually stresses my mind! By pose
three I decided to just go with the flow..and fell asleep.
Anyways back to deprivation. I have a number in my head
for my weight and I can NEVER go over the is number. Not that I love this number
of anything or think I look amazing or
in shape. It is juts my number for my body. The limit of what I can weight and
still feel attractive, confident and good and be happy with the way my clothes
fir and still live my life and eat the way I want too. For some this number would
be a lot lower, maybe others higher. We all have our boundaries and limits and this
is mine for whatever reason.. When I surpass it like after this vacation…my anxiety
hits the roof until the scale tells me it is under control.
And so those weeks getting it back to what it was usually
2-3 weeks is insufferable as far as I am concerned. I have a serious issue with
deprivation. It is horrible. It can be me deprived or those I love around me
and I feel deprived through them. These two weeks until I lose these three
pounds…I feel like nothing is fun or I having nothing to look forward too. And
I am eating a lot and not even depriving myself of much at all. I just HATE the
feeling of not eating what I want when I want. I am generally a fairly healthy eater
with lots of weekend fun. Very intuitive eater and rarely overeat but indulge
often not by amounts but of what I like. This week I was careful but not too careful
and even really pissed me off.
And when others close to me deprive themselves my high
alerts go off. When my mom told me no wheat for her a few years back I nearly
had a panic attack and hit all the stores immediately in terms of products that
would make her forget, when a friend told us not more coffee or alcohol for him
I was in near tears, another friend told us no more sugar rest of his life for
an illness and we held him in our arms, when my husband gave up alcohol I truly
felt that his life had ended. Others people’s deprivation of what they enjoy Is harder for me to experience than my own and
has always been like that.
But my own sucks too.
I think I am an alcoholic who does not drink
A binge eater that does not overeat
A coffee drinker that has never had a cup of coffee.
My husband feels exactly like me about deprivation. It
breaks his heart too. We share this craziness together.
I see these things as “free” and “easy” and “fun”. When
they have to leave or go away…I feel juts so sad. My heart breaks. Life is so
hard in so many ways….a cupcake or gin at the end of the day is just such a
little treat. Mornings can be hard to get up and go and face the day…a warm cup
of coffee in the hands with some good old caffeine just makes it that much
easier (PS I have never drank a cup of coffee or had a gin or barely any alcohol
in my life) pss I know I am a piece of work why do you think I see a
therapist???
Besides food and drink stuff I don’t care much about
deprivation. Not much ruffles my feathers. Tell me you lost your job, got
divorced, got your foot run over by a bus and I will sleep fine that night.
Tell me you can’t eat a cupcake? I go mad.
Anyways this combination of the crazy dumb yoga class and
me not eating much these weeks is a strange one (although PS I just had three
cookies). My relationship to exercise and food is quite funny actually and so
is the vacation weight. Because as soon as I lose those three pounds? Like as
in literally the moment I lose them? Back to normal eating. It’s not like I
could think” oh it would be good to lose a few more!” No way. Not worth it. No
more deprivation. And it’s not as if I go and eat a cake or anything it’s more
like a bowl of cous cous with some veggies on top. I guess we all have our funny relationships
with food don’t we?
So tonight we are having tabouli and chicken and
brownies. Tomorrow zatar sandwiches for lunch and homemade taquitos and rice
and salad for dinner. Monday I am going for BFF Bday dinner at Steak Frites. So
what am I missing exactly? Nada.
Nothing. Except my peace. Except self-managing is hard especially when it comes
to having to monitor it three times a day when food is around us all the time.
I guess I self-manage in so many other ways in life, and perform, and stay
successful and organized…I just wish food and drink (even if I am not drinking
it!) was a free ride.
So there it is people. All out there for you to devour
and eat up. Crazy me.
